Beholding the Beloved

2/12/12

2012-02-13T07:21:00.000-08:00

Do you know what it feels like to live in the shadow of your doubt?

It's like tip-toeing towards the edge of a cliff, where a pit of despair is much too close a reality.

Look past the doubt, look past the fear.

Realize your ideal is illusory and false,

or else no strenuous effort will allow me to reach that unreachable height.

Open your eyes, see your heart is already opened.

Cherish what this is - for what it is rather than what it is not,

or else I will never stand a chance.

Stop trying to ruin a good thing, a God-given gift.

Let your mind let go of what you've thought you needed, based on what you've known

or else I could never live up to that impossible standard.

Let your character be stretched, let your heart be pained at times,

for that sting and the stretch make the joys much more vibrant and the love that more deep.

Let your fears be conquered, let your heart be at ease, may your trust be restored. Let love win.

And until then, I tip-toe towards the end of the cliff - knowing there is darkness in the pit below, but letting the hope that you've built a bridge across it worth the risk.

Light

2012-01-03T15:52:00.000-08:00

Lord, Guide me in Thy true light in a world full of evanescent illuminations.
Keep my gaze fixed on You.

Living in the Shadow of Christmas

2011-12-31T12:54:00.000-08:00

The notoriously joy-filled and peaceful season of Christmas has come and gone. Presents have been ripped open (and either enjoyed or returned), the twinkling lights shine no longer, decorations have been packed up, feasts and cookies have been consumed and life returns to normal (perhaps with a few extra pounds around our waists).

The days before Christmas are full of anticipation, preparation and excitement. Then, come December 26th, the magic and merriment seem to vanish instantaneously. Life goes on and the cycle continues the following December.

Is this how Christmas should be - a short-lived, seasonal moment of excitement? For those who have come to know Christmas in terms of a "Hallmark holiday" - mainly existing for consumeristic purposes, with no real depths or meaning other than an opportunity to shower those we love with the latest and greatest gifts and rack up a whole bunch of credit card debt - then the joy of this season really is only temporary (with the ending result/shadow of Christmas including momentary excitement until the gifts get old and the burden of debt).

For those of us who claim to know the real reason for the season - God incarnate who came for all mankind as a baby in a lowly manger - then the "shadow" of Christmas is more like a brilliant light, full of peace, joy and redemption that floods our entire lives. If the reason for the season is to celebrate the birth of our Savior Jesus Christ, then the rest of our year should be spent living out a life of thanksgiving to God. If we know the reason for the season, our lives will be full of light, our situations will look radically different and we will know a source of hope and unsurpassable peace, even in the face of trials, tribulations and despair.

If we celebrate Christmas with purpose and richness that can only be attributed to the birth of a Savior, Christmas songs have more meaning, love has greater depths and hope knows no bounds. For those who are trapped in the patterns of the consumeristic Christmas and for those who live in the seemingly unshakeable shadows of darkness, depression and despair even in the Christmas season, there is hope. It is never too late to know and experience the good life in Christ. And for those who know this Savior, let us rejoice in the opportunity to experience Christmas joy year round, even after the lights are packed up and the decorations are put away.

But when the goodness and loving kindness of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us richly through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that being justified by his grace we might become heirs according to the hope of eternal life. - Titus 3:4-7

I Can't (Won't) Let Go

2011-09-02T15:07:00.000-07:00

"Do you know where your heart is?
Do you think you can find it?
Or did you trade it for something
Somewhere better just to have it?
Do you know where your love is?
Do you think that you lost it?
You felt it so strong, but
Nothing's turned out how you wanted

Well, bless my soul
You're a lonely soul
Cause you won't let go
Of anything you hold"

One Republic's song has been playing in my head all day. The line that cuts me the most is also the one that has convicted me: "You're a lonely soul, cause you won't let go of anything you hold..." Surrender is an action on which Christianity is firmly founded. There is true freedom (often accompanied by fear) when you realize that the amount of control you actually have over your life is miniscule. But the freedom comes in acknowledging that God is sovereign over all, is in control of everything and has our good in mind. Letting go allows us to see God move. It requires faith. Trust. A daily, maybe hourly, decision to let go and not take what we had surrendered back to try and figure it out on our own.

I've seen God move in areas I've surrendered to him and I am so in awe of His faithfulness. But when it comes to love, the ability to surrender is often crippled by whispers of the past, wonderings what could have been and deeply rooted feelings. While I feel like I've surrendered so much, the fruit of my present predicament points to the fact that I'm still holding on to something. Because I won't let go, i'm disabling myself from fully committing or wanting to move forward in anything else, relationally. And there is no one to blame but myself. I won't play the role of victim or ask God 'why?' any longer; it's time to accept that I am currently in this place because I have chosen to be. I say this without being guilt-ridden and self-degrading, but with hope in the freedom this realization brings.

I love how on One Republic's CD, the song that follows "Say" is "Mercy". It's like the first song is meant to convict you or propel you into a state of self examination, and the latter is meant to remind you how much mercy surrounds you, right where you are. Whether or not Ryan Tedder and the band intended to order their songs for this particular reason or I'm reading into it way too much, it is comforting nonetheless.

I Am {Purposefully} Single

2011-08-07T21:15:00.000-07:00

Recently, someone laid out priorities in this order: 1) God 2) family (spouse first, then kids) 3) your ministry. Someone else shared a shift in her life from a thirst for adventure to wanting to be known as a Godly woman, good mother/wife and someone who always has freshly baked cookies in her kitchen. Still another person that knows me fairly well was shocked as we caught up and exchanged news of friends and family members' progressing romantic relationships, and i did so in a seemingly cynical manner. As I've sought council on my current predicament, I've come to realize it's not cynicism at all. I am completely overjoyed for my dear friends and their sweet relational seasons and marriages. I cannot wait for the day marriage is (perhaps) in my own horizon.

About a month ago, God gave me this vision of myself sitting in a room surrounded by doors - some are wide open, some are locked, still others are open just a crack. As I sit there, God is instructing me to wait. Instead of waiting, I've made attempts in moving forward anyways. A friend recently pointed out to me that "drama swirls around you like a tornado". While part of me gets offended (I blame the thinker in him and the feeler in me butting heads ;P) I do know this "dramatic" season has been in large part due to the fact that I have attempted to act out of confusion and take steps forward solely based on my "in-the-moment" emotions. I've self-prescribed my singleness as "unhealthy". I've blamed past relational baggage. I've wondered what is wrong with me in not being able to move forward with one of the most amazing men I've met. I've looked at all these doors and wondered if I'm having commitment issues, in fear that walking through one door will require me to shut all the other ones. While some of these fears and possibilities could perhaps be playing an underlying role, I'm beginning to believe this season of singleness is a God-ordained season full of purpose.

I've placed myself on a track that much resembles the "Christian American Dream", as I refer to it: that drive to find a partner in ministry/spouse at a young age, settle down, etc. etc. which has led to disappointment and failure due largely in part to the fact that God's journey and plans for my life are entirely different.

In talking with my mentor, I realized this is yet another time in my life where God is calling me to yield and surrender EVERYTHING to Him - my relationships, my singleness, my career, my school, my passions, my dreams, literally my all. This thought and act of surrender doesn't seem too difficult at the moment, seeing as I'm in a place where I'm not clinging to anything or refuse to give anything up. Seeking the Lord and waiting for His instruction are the only things I can really do, sitting in this room surrounded by doors. Not to mention, I've seen the Lord's faithfulness in past moments of surrender - where He has taken my petty, humanly-constructed plans and replaced them with a bigger calling and better-fitting journey in Him.

There are seasons of singleness that are unbearably painful - perhaps after a divorce, a death, a brutal break up, separation etc. Sometimes, singleness is cast upon us and we have no choice but to grin and bear it. This particular season, however, is purposeful, sweet and indefinite. I am not putting a time frame or restrictions on it, but trusting God will allow it to continue until He sees fit, as I continuously yield to and lean on Him. I TRUST that He will make it clear in moving forward and that He is continuing to heal and prepare me for the next season.

For now, my priorities are my Lord and my ministry and that EXCITES me. I do not have to attempt to fit into a relationship or move forward when I am clearly not ready. I firmly believe love will be awakened when the timing is right. And one day, while I'd love to be a Godly woman, good mother and wife, with cookies readily available (probably store bought cookies, in my case ;P), I will enjoy this wild adventure and sweet season as a single woman seeking to know and draw closer to the Lord. :)

Come Away

2011-07-18T21:57:00.000-07:00

I can't get enough of Jesus Culture's song, Come Away today. "I have a plan for you, it's gonna be WILD, it's going to be great, it's going to be full of Me..." This line keeps penetrating my heart over and over again. God's plan for us is WILD - this EXCITES me. I think I've lost site of that idea lately. I have this vision of myself sitting in a room full of doors that are partially open or closed and locked or not yet open, and God is instructing me to wait patiently and be still before Him, allowing Him to move in His timing. Just this morning, I was in the midsty of battling exhaustion on so many levels - spiritually, mentally, physically, and ready to give up. Yet in His mysterious way, God used a song with simple lyrics to restore my confidence in Him. His wild plan involves journeys through desert seasons, through trying times and heartbreak. It leads us into great joys, bigger and better dreams than any human could ever fathom or construct. It may lead to unbearable pain, may cause us to surrender other plans, may bring us to a point of diverting from the social norm. But His plan is great and ultimately brings us to know Him MORE. And while this plan may involve pain, it's worth it over and over again.

So in a time that requires much patience in practically every area of my life, I rejoice knowing it's all part of God's WILD plan. What a relief for a free spirit to know my life and journey in the Lord will never be mundane, boring or look like anyone else's! Besides finding rest in this song, it's also time to reread C.S. Lewis', The Great Divorce. Mmm, yes. Life's simple pleasures :).

Musings on Claiborne's Irresistible Revolution

2011-03-14T14:46:00.000-07:00

I am incredibly grateful for the opportunity to grow up in a middle class family, where worrying about if we'd have enough food to eat or a safe place to live and sleep were never concerns. I have had opportunity after opportunity handed to me - the ability to travel and see the world, the opportunity to attend a university and now SEMINARY, the chance to go "back to school" shopping for a new wardrobe and new shoes each year.
And yet, as I'm reading Claiborne's Irresistible Revolution, my world is being rocked. It's like his words and the ideas he conveys on how to live a life of poverty and simplicity is one more chip into the mold of the life i've accepted and know so well - a comfortable existence. I've seen snapshots of what life is like in third world countries on mission trips, I've seen cases of homelessness and soup kitchens, but i've seen them through the windows of air-conditioned vehicles or with the mentality that I have an escape and can return to life as i know it whenever i want.
Here is the quote that has had my mind reeling since i read it: One of my friends has a shirt marked with the words of late Catholic bishop Dom Helder Camara: "When i fed the hungry, they called me a saint. When i asked why people are hungry, they called me a communist." Charity wins awards and applause, but joining the poor gets you killed. People do not get crucified for charity. People are crucified for living out a love that disrupts the social order, that calls forth a new world. People are not crucified for helping poor people. People are crucified for joining them. - [Claiborne, 129]. As a girl from the suburbs, charity and giving to the poor is what's kosher, it's deemed enough. But is it enough? Are some people called to give generously (backed by the idea that "to whom much is given, much is expected")? Or are we all called to something more? Jesus lived his entire life amongst the poor, He was one of them. It wasn't a matter of how much should He give to the poor, it was a matter of choosing to live that lifestyle.

Given a choice, how much is enough? Because i've been blessed with a life of opportunity, can i be satisfied with simply giving? Are some people called to live a life of poverty and others called to give while continuing to live a comfortable life? Or is it one calling some take literally and abide by while others settle for charity? Am i asking, what next? and even considering a drastic life change because i envision an idealistic and inaccurate idea of poverty? How much have material items drowned out God's voice in our lives? How much is too much? Can I continue on living the way i do, if i use my education and future vocation for the greater good? While my dreams of international missions are still a possibility, what of the state and great need in this country? What if i could own a house and open it up to the homeless? What if i adopted a crazy amount of kids and gave them an opportunity for a "better" life? What if i was a foster mom and opened my house to kids who are struggling with feelings of abandonment and self worth? What if i didn't even own a home? As all of these questions plague my mind, I love Claiborne's response: Not everyone responds the same way. Some will give up their houses and leave their fields. Others will offer their possessions to the community and form hospitality houses like Mary and Martha, and Peter's family...There are Matthews who encounter Jesus and sell everything. But there are also the Zacchaeuses who will meet Jesus and redefine their careers. So not everyone responds in the same way, but we must respond" [Claiborne, 142].

We must respond. As a church full of people to whom God has unique purposes and unique callings for each individual, it is our job to respond, in one form or another: to glorify Him with our vocations, with the way we lead our lives, with the purchases we make, even down to the amount of clothes we buy, how much we spend on dining out, how much we give. Our calling may be as drastic as giving up a life of luxury for a life of poverty. After hearing countless messages and sermons on giving and the needs of this world, after seeing mere glimpses of poverty in different faces and places, is Claiborne's Irresistible Revolution the cherry on top, the final chip that will cause this mold of "life as i know it" to shatter? Here, as a twenty something woman who ha been giving much opportunity and an infinite amount of blessings, I am left wide-eyed and wondering - God, what is the lifestyle you are calling me to? How are you asking me to respond?

Reading

2011-03-03T10:38:00.000-08:00

It's decided: I am a book worm. The scene in Disney's Beauty and The Beast where the Beast gives Belle a huge library - book shelves from floor to ceiling packed FULL of books - would be a dream come true for me:

While that amount of books may be slightly overwhelming and may take more than a lifetime to get through, how cool would it be to have that many books at your finger tips? Seminary is a sweet blessing when it comes to never running out of things to read. While reading for class takes up the majority of my reading time, I try to set aside time for reading of my choice, as well. I am currently reading and/or will be reading the following list: Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne, Contemplative Youth Ministry by Mark Yaconelli, The Great Omission by Dallas Willard, Lioness Arising by Lisa Bevere and Forgotten God by Francis Chan. I cannot wait to crack open these books and absorb all the information, lessons and outlooks on life and faith they have to offer.

This short and slightly nonsensical rant about my passion for reading is a post of thanksgiving - i am so thankful for the written word. I am so thankful for the access i have to books - gosh i don't ever want to take this resource for granted! I am so in awe of the power behind the written word, the power of speech and the ability we have to put mere symbols/letters together to make words and sentences and stories and books, which allow us to COMMUNICATE. I am beyond thankful for the Living Word that serves as the backbone, foundation, guidance, direction, way to true life. Thank You, Lord.

Dreams

2011-02-25T20:02:00.000-08:00

My dreams are changing:
From neatly packaged visions, wrapped tightly in perfect bows
to boxes ripped open - wrapping paper torn to shreds and tissue paper scattered everywhere.

Had my dreams for my future been in charge,
Seminary sure wouldn't have been in the cards. Youth ministry/marriage and family therapy? Probably not. A photography business? DEFINITELY not.

Point being: My dreams have changed. And continue to do so. Up until recently, my dream for the future included getting married young, starting a family, being an elementary school teacher living in a comfortable home. Now? Apparently, marriage is further from my mind than i thought...or maybe it will take just the right guy to come along and awaken that dream again? Who knows. What i DO know is i've been given a wonderful opportunity for more education - one that encourages me in and grows me spiritually. This mixed with a wonderful church family and community, an amazing internship, a caring family and so much more - life is GOOD. God is good. And thank the Lord His plans are so much greater than i could ever fathom.

One Year Ago: Sweet Grace

2011-02-20T18:20:00.000-08:00

While i should be working on the homework i've allowed to pile up, I can't help but be swept up in an unshakeable peace. A little over a year ago, I was at my lowest of lows. This one horridly painful night I will never forget - grief had overtaken me and i remember choosing to wallow in my anger and self-loathing over God. I literally turned away from Him, and went so far as to curse Him for allowing me to experience such heartbreak. How far He has taken me in this past year. How much He has redeemed me, poured out His love and blessings over me, looked at me with favor. Don't get me wrong - it sure wasn't smooth sailing immediately following this particular night. But the more room I gave God to move in my life, the more He awakened my desire for Him, the more He was able to restore. It was in this painful season I realized we were never meant to do life alone.

Now, here is where my mind is blown. On the one year anniversary of this painful night, guess where i was? I was with my middle school ladies at a church retreat for the weekend. And on this very night, I watched the Prayer Walk i had spent time planning and praying about in my internship come to life. As I helped lead a station centered around forgiveness and being washed clean, my heart was so uplifted as i watched hundreds of young woman spend time before the Lord. This image will forever give me goosebumps.

To see how far God has grown me and to watch Him become Lord in my life more and more each day even in this past YEAR alone is evidence of His beautiful restoration and plans for our lives. My God, it took walking through darkness and despair for me to truly rejoice over the vibrance and richness the next season held. I am so grateful for the opportunity to go to Seminary, to be a part of Substance church, to be able to watch God move in the middle and high school students at Hosanna!

The word to describe this season is grace. It is by grace we have been saved (Eph 2), His grace is freely given. His grace is what pulled me through, His grace is what redeems and saves me from a sinful nature each day. How evident His grace is.

Reflecting

2011-01-12T10:31:00.000-08:00

Day 3 of fasting make-up and eating out. I'm having most trouble with the make up fast. Already, I have caught myself wrestling with feelings of inadequacy and not feeling "put-together". It's crazy how much more i feel exposed and transparent with a bare face. Even walking into my class Tuesday I felt self-concious as questions of my worth and vicious lies swirled around my brain. Praise Jesus that self consciousness isn't an area i typically struggle with. But this fast has already revealed how much I find confidence in feeling "put together" as far as looks are concerned.

As I sit here, day one of my internship with the amazing Middle School/Senior High Ministry team at Hosanna!, I'm brainstorming ideas for a prayer walk for the middle school girls retreat. One of the reasons I'm fasting make up for the next three weeks is on behalf of these students and their own faith journey, and in preparation for the retreat. While the prayer walk project involves creativity, planning and leading middle school girls to know and experience the love of Christ (all passions of mine! :P), I also want the prayer walk to glorify God first and foremost. I want it to be original and creative, to really make the girls think, meditate on and spend time with the Lord rather than cheesy and redundant. God, be the passion and fuel behind this planning.

As God is uncovering areas in my own life where I find confidence outside of Him, I have this amazing opportunity to use that in ministering to middle school girls. How SWEET is that?! God, be the source of our self-worth. As we experience more of Your love, may we allow it to transform our lives, from the inside out, so that we may be a testament to your grace, mercy and all things good.

Awakening Fast: 21 Days

2011-01-10T10:29:00.000-08:00

Twenty one days of fasting starts today. Substance church is partaking in the Awakening fast (check it: http://www.awake21.org/) Sunday's sermon really put the idea of fasting into perspective. The idea of fasting can be written off as outdated and unimportant in today's day and age. The purpose of fasting can be misunderstood - as God's way of making us suffer or as a method of bartering with God (we give up this, if you give us this in exchange...) Pastor Nick Foulks really hit home with this main idea: "We don't fast to get something from God, we fast to ALIGN ourselves with God". When we are truly aligned with God, He is able to do a new work in us. So often does the clutter of this world and our focus on the tangible, immediate situation that surrounds us (rather than focus on the ever-present, unchanging LOVE and plans the Lord has) distract us and trap us in our bondages and footholds.

The idea of fasting is insanely relevant and extremely essential to our lives. If you feel called to give something up - whether it is a traditional food fast (giving up one meal a day, fasting for a 24 hour period one a week, refraining from fast food or dessert, etc.) or takes another form - join us for the Awakening fast. I guarantee God will move and work wonders in your lives and the lives around you. As Pastor Nick reminded us, fasting allows our sins to be broken off and for us to become aware of the needs and live s of people around us. Check it: 6Is not this the fast that i choose: to loose the bonds of wickedness, to undo the straps of the yoke, to let the oppressed go free, and to break every yoke? 7Is it not to share your bread with the hungry and bring the homeless poor into your house...8Then shall your light break forth like the dawn and your healing shall spring up speedily; your righteousness shall go before you; the glory of the Lord shall be your rear guard. -Isaiah 58:6-8

I feel the Lord calling me to fast a couple things:

1) Make up. It's so easy to go without make up on a mission trip in a foreign country. And i gave up make up for five days this summer (check out the blog post here). But in the ordinary ebb and flow of normal life, it is HARD. I love putting make up on - it's like an art (as cheesy as that sounds). It also covers up blemishes and enhances...well, your appearance. But how much time do i spend in front of a mirror each morning, getting ready for the day? This fast will not only give me more time to spend with the Lord each morning, but it will emphasize the importance of finding our self worth in Him. I also feel called to give up this area on behalf of the middle and senior high girls in my small groups! May their own faith walk be strengthened by knowledge of God's great love for them, may they find their self worth in the Lord, for their purity, for their hearts to find strength in God and not things of this world.

2) Eating out. See ya later, Panera, Caribou, Flame, etc.! I spend so much money eating out when a peanut butter and jelly sandwich from home would be cheaper and just as delicious. If i can put so much of my finances towards eating out, isn't there a better place for them? I'm hoping that this fast from eating out will lead to more clarity regarding finances, investing in my business, savings, and most importantly - giving more for Kingdom advances.

So, do you feel called to fast anything? If so, seek God first and foremost. What is it He's calling you to give up? What area of your lives have you not trusted Him to enter and are afraid to give to Him? Surround yourselves with people that will support you in this fast and set goals you can actually reach so you are not bogged down by failure but focused on the reason for fasting - alignment with God.

Musing on the New Year

2011-01-02T12:14:00.000-08:00

New Years Resolutions are lousy. In attempts to better our lives, we firmly decide to do or not do something for the upcoming year. While the first of January marks a new year and new beginnings, why must we wait until the new year to strive for a better quality of life? It's also an ongoing joke that New Year's Resolutions are broken not long after they are put into place. That diet, that work out routine, that decision to go to church more or read our bibles more or whatever shape our resolutions take are kicked to the curb long before the beginning of the new year. So much for resolutions being "firm" decisions if we are able to dismiss them so quickly.

While i fail to see the point of New Year's Resolutions, i do think it is essential to strive for a better quality of life. But what if we took the time to evaluate our life - to notice areas of weakness or places that require upkeep, to locate areas of spiritual dryness or that need refinement - on a monthly or weekly basis? What if we took time to spend intimate time with the Lord on our own, while allowing fellow brothers and sisters in Christ to surround us, build us up and provide us with fellowship and community? Let's not stop there - what if we took the time to give back to strangers and reach beyond the walls of church in outreach and service? It is my prayer that you - no matter where you are in your faith walk, whether or not you have chosen to believe and follow God - and me enter into this new year open-hearted and anticipating a better quality of life.

I have been convicted time and time again, by my parents and other friends, that i am far too busy. I over-schedule myself, am always on the go and am hard to reach. Even in this Season of Rest (that is rapidly drawing to a close) I still found myself running around quite frequently. In Brennan Manning's The Wisdom of Tenderness, he asks readers to examine our lives and ask ourselves a series of questions. Here are just a few that convicted me:
-Have I kept others waiting?
-Have i carelessly forgotten (or simply not kept) an appointment or a date?
-Have I been difficult for others to reach, feeling too busy to put myself at their disposal?

Talk about a shot to the heart - these are areas of my life I so struggle in. So i pray, that into this new year, God refines me and teaches me the importance of keeping appointments and not allowing a busy lifestyle to interfere with reaching others and spending time with them in fellowship.

It's a new year. Instead of making a resolution that you fail to keep, i challenge you (and myself) to continuously take the time to examine our lives and strive to find a better quality of life. God, teach us to love more, to give more, to serve more, to reach out more and to seek you wholeheartedly. Open up our eyes to You and Your merciful ways.

Full Circle

2010-12-19T18:28:00.000-08:00

God is the most magnificent Healer. In the moments that bring revelation - when loose ends are tied, or long-awaited closure finally arrives - we are greeted by this supernatural peace and overwhelming reassurance that God truly is in control of our circumstances.

When we are able to survey the wearisome and trying journey from the higher ground - look down on the path that had led us through darkness, through deserts and despair and see how far we've come (or rather, how far the Lord has led us) - it is a glorious moment. In that place, enraptured by the Lord's splendor, His strength and faithfulness, all you can do is stand in awesome wonder, taking in all He revealed & refined on the journey. While the journey may have been brimming with pain and the testing of your faith, you now can say for certain, "It is worth it - any journey that leads me closer in relationship to Jesus Christ, that makes me more like Him, is worth it." No matter the intensity of the heartbreak, the sickness, the loss, the pain, the effort - knowing Him more is worth it. Yes, this is easily said in the reflecting stage, as you bask in the sweet sunshine on higher ground. However, when our faith must be our eyes and we are in the thick of the journey, the proclamation that "it is worth it" may be either the furthest thing from our lips or said through our teeth, as our jaw is clenched together in pain.

Regardless of where we are on the journey, we must remember the beauty that is Romans 8:28 - God causes ALL things to work together for our GOOD. Even every bump on the road, every callous we obtain, every time stumble or fall flat on our faces. In the words of Brennan Manning, "The wisdom of tenderness allows us to love our whole life story and know that we've been graced and made beautiful by the providence of our past history. "Even from my sins," wrote Augustine of Hippo, "God has drawn good." All the wrong turns in the past, the detours, the mistakes, the moral lapses - everything that's irrevocably ugly or painful melts and dissolves in the light of accepted tenderness" [Manning, The Wisdom of Tenderness, 32]. Right now, here, today, I can thank God for the people He placed in my life for a brief moment, and no longer question why they may not remain. As i listened to my Ipod on shuffle yesterday during quiet time, two songs played in a row that had once sent twinges of pain through my heart, as they were linked to memories and old emotions. Yesterday was different - i was able to thank God for the sweet memories, but also thank Him for the new thing He is doing. SO SO SO SO GOOD!!!!!

God will bring healing. In His perfect timing, He always does. And when we are in the most brutal battle or deepest valley, we must hold on to this promise and keep our eyes fixed on Him. When we are reveling in wholeness and redemption, we must remember all the Lord has revealed and taught us through the journey.

"It is only a faithful person who truly believes that God sovereignly controls his circumstances" [Chambers, My Utmost For His Highest]. God, give us the faith to believe that you control our circumstances. As you remain sovereign and reign with goodness and compassion, may we trust you with our future, while relishing in the moment that is today - the here and now.

Road Tripping

2010-12-10T07:56:00.000-08:00

As Hannah and I are enjoying this crazy, spontaneous adventure, I'm learning so much. Like for instance, though I am very much an extrovert, i NEED NEED alone time to regenerate at times. I can't wait to hit the beach today and just read listening to the sound of the ocean. I have also learned you really get to know someone on a road trip. Hannah and i joke - we've been on 3 official "dates" before we headed on this road trip. So, though we seem pretty friend and travel compatible, there is so much left to learn about each other. Kind of like any other relationship, huh? Takes time. A third thing i have learned - i love the open road. Yesterday i drove for 8 hours straight. Give me some great music and someone to talk to every once in awhile, and i'm good to go. There's something therapeutic about driving.

And the final thing i've learned: road trips are about the journey. I was blessed to grow up with a dad working for the airlines and being able to fly everywhere for free - Japan, London, Australia, New Zealand, Mexico, Poland, Spain, Amsterdam, Guatemala, El Salvador, all over the US, you name it. Flying is mostly about arriving at your destination, getting there as fast as possible. And while i greatly appreciate the speed and the service of flying, road trips are necessary at times. Though we had an ETA for reaching Florida, we drove until we were tired, we stopped at random attractions - some, big landmarks i've only seen in pictures, others less known but just as amazing (like the giant sized Superman :D). When you enjoy the journey, the destination is just another phase. And while Florida and the condo we're privileged to stay in are awesome, the open road and random stops were sweet, as well.

Hmm...just a little of the more in depth thoughts I'm processing as we tackle some pretty silly bucket list items and dares. :) See you all in a week or so!

Caden

2010-11-21T21:44:00.000-08:00

I am marveling at God's creation, in the form of my friend's sweet baby boy. His smiles, his gurgles, his cooing, how much he has grown in the past three months - God, you are a master artist. The end.

Align my Dreams to Yours...

2010-11-19T13:16:00.000-08:00

"When my dreams are over
and my feet hit the floor
is my will enough to move on?
When we fight to get back
the love that we lost
will my hands be enough to push on?
Tell me, will i have enough to go on?

When there's nothing we can't afford to sacrifice, there's no way they can put out your fire"
-Needtobreathe, Nothing Left To Lose

What happens when we allow God to heal us only so far - just enough to feel okay and somewhat whole? What happens when we allow Him to close the door on some desire outcome, but we cram something into the doorway to keep it open, even just a crack? When we only allow God to move ever so slightly or just enough to convince us we're okay, we are fooling ourselves.

I found myself in a place where I had allowed God to heal this specific wound just enough, so that it could ripped open and exposed again if this particular person reconsidered. I would allow myself to be led on by a broken past and hopes of a redeemed relationship. I would respond to this person, at the drop of a hat, when he thought it was okay to let me in; I would reach out, even though it was against my better judgement and would often result in the wound being split open again.

And then, I woke up. Or rather, I allowed God to shake me awake from this distorted dream. When we only allow God to move a little bit, or only give Him certain areas of our lives, we aren't fully surrendering to Him and His perfect will. I had been in this place where I bargained with God (oh, how we are creatures that love a good bargain), allowing Him to have His way ONLY if the future He had for me would turn out like I had envisioned and dreamt of.

But, when i actually opened my eyes, I realized that this so-called "love" I had hoped would be reawakened was merely the broken framework to a crumbling, charred structure. I realized that I had been holding on to a not-so-perfect match because I had allowed myself to assume that this one example i had experienced of intimate love between two people was love itself - and no other guy would ever be able to give me that love. But this imperfect example of love pales by comparison to God's love for us. It also kept me holding on to it, stubbornly loosening my grasp little by little.

After a much needed wake up call and after allowing the Lord to crush this broken image i had of love and throw everything out the window, I can finally say: MOVE, GOD. Take it all, have Your will and replace misconceptions with your divine and perfect love. Do not let me deceive myself, thinking I've got it all together, that i'm strong enough to deal with this on my own - i don't and i'm not. But i pray this acknowledgement of my weakness keeps me leaning on Your strength, for You are love and You bring new life. Give me patience, as You align my life and dreams to Your will. Fuel a fiery passion to live for You alone. Do not let past hurts cause me to build up airtight walls around my heart; rather, soften it, break it, refine it and do with it what YOU will.

Life Lately

2010-11-08T12:14:00.000-08:00

Life is sweet. God is faithful. I am now 22 years old and marveling at how much has been crammed into this past year! On my run this afternoon, my mind was racing and my heart was overwhelmed with joy upon reflecting on what this past year has held. Here is just a summary:

This past year - I have traveled!!!! Since last year i've been to Hawaii (twice ;P), to Jamaica, to Puerto Rico, to New York, to El Salvador and Guatemala. Seeing the world is one of my most favorite things to do, and i've been blessed to be able to see sites around the world with people i love so very much.

I have also seen two of my best friends marry their best friends :) What a joyous occasion it is when two people step into the next season of life as one body, united and rooted on Christ, the solid rock on which we stand? Chana and Jodi and their spouses are such wonderful friends, and it warms my heart to see the Lord's love and goodness overflowing from their marriages :).

I GRADUATED with my BA from the U of M. Only by God's grace, I was able to cram in 20+ credits/semester and graduate with a major and spanish minor in three years. Let me tell you, the graduation ceremony certainly marked a victory for me! My three years at the U of M were full of hard work, joys, rough patches, blossoming friendships and further awakening to this diverse world. I was blessed to have sweet roommates that are a few of my best friends to this day, and meet a group of fellow Elementary Education majors that became some of my good friends.

Other highlights: getting involved with middle school and senior high students at my church in Lakeville, being a part of the Miss Lakeville Scholarship Pageant (a challenge and something totally NEW that led to meeting amazing women), growing closer to my sweet spiritual mentor, finding a church community that believes church should continue outside the walls - one that challenges and encourages me and is such a perfect fit (here's the place where i give a shout out to Substance Church - check it out sometime!)

This past month: My so-called "Season of Rest". The night before i was supposed to start the teaching license program at the U of M (where i would start student teaching and taking classes working towards my teaching license and masters degree), I felt the Lord calling me to take a semester off. So, holding fast to the promise of His faithfulness and provisions, I obediently followed, thinking this time was merely time to rest before finishing up my teaching license. But boy oh boy, did God have a different plan. As of a couple weeks ago, I let the U of M know i will not be returning to finish up the program whatsoever. This season of rest gave me time to seek the Lord and truly wait in my watchtower (so to speak, check out Habakkuk 2:1) for His response. Long story short, in this time, the Lord has affirmed that His call on my life is still teaching - but not necessarily in the classroom. While i've been so focused on finding an identity in a career of being an Elementary School teacher, He's been bringing an even bigger passion into my life - youth ministry and missions - and revealing my identity comes from Him alone. God's plan for my life far exceeds anything i could've ever dreamed! His works are astounding - after touring Bethel Seminary and talking to a couple professors there, I had this overwhelming excitement that this is the place He's calling me to. It just...fits, you know? So, in the next couple weeks i'll be applying for the Master of Arts in Christian Education with an emphasis in youth ministry.

And, come January, I'll also be starting an internship with Hosanna! working with the youth ministry staff and checking out what goes on behind the scenes. I'm so PUMPED about it - I get to work with the church i grew up in and even some of staff that were a part of my own faith walk. God opens doors, let me tell you. He is good, He is good, He is good.

I'm still working at Applebees and love my coworkers. Plus i get a few photo gigs here and there too, which is rockin.

And I'm loving Substance church and the wonderful community of brothers and sisters in Christ. My dear friend Megan (who is so sweet and such an answer to prayers for more Godly women in my life) and I turned an unofficial group of people that go out to Flame after Tuesday's Deeper service into an official subgroup. I'm also hoping to get involved with worship at Deeper services, and am currently taking a Shift class and really enjoying the fellowship and friendships of so many amazing and passionate people!

Goals and Weaknesses: In this, my 22nd year of life, I want to accomplish a few things: 1) Get my photography site up and running. 2) Run a half marathon. I am not disciplined in the area of working out whatsoever. It's so sporadic and depends on my mood. While running is such an act of worship and is becoming my time to seek the Lord in prayer while marveling at His creations, it's also challenging. Meaning, I have to man up and discipline myself. God give me strength - HAHA 3) Learn how to say no and tell it how it is... In certain situations, I don't express how i truly feel. I've realized i resort to using humor to keep things lighthearted or to avoid talking about specific issues. I avoid certain situations. I also HATE letting people down or hurting people's feelings - i guess the term for that is people pleaser, huh? While God has revealed this area of weakness, He is now stretching me! I know conquering this weakness will require relying on Him and speaking truths in places i tend to avoid. I'm laughing right now, i think out of nervousness, knowing my prayer and goal to conquer this area of people pleasing will lead to God bringing situations and people into my life that will require me to tell it how it is...oh gosh. :)

Life is so sweet. Towards the end of my run today, I took a shortcut through a field that had recently been harvested. It brought back a memory of last Thanksgiving: I remember walking through a harvested field and being so burdened and full of sorrow by the lack of life and fruition in the trampled, stripped field. That field resembled the season of life i was in at the time - so broken and bleak. But today, a glimpse of this field brought me so much JOY!! God is God, in and out of season. He brought me through that painful season into a life where i strive to seek His heart in all i do. There will be seasons where God will break us down strip us of certain things, or allow us to walk through a season of sorrow. But, it is merely a season, meant to bring us closer to Him. Like the plowed field, He will bring new life from death. He will plant us, water us, grow us and mature us, so that we will be fruitful once again - even more than before. I pray that all things in this life will pale in comparison to seeking the Lord with every fiber of my being - Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I could gain Christ 9 and become one with him. -Philippians 3:8 This is my prayer. Oh Lord, that You are my passion, that You reign over all things, that i may be someone You can use - for Your glory alone. Thank You, for the abundance of life and blessings You have given me. Thank You for being the only constant in this world. Thank You for the sweetness of life and for Your love, which is even GREATER than life itself.

Relationships: Do NOT Settle

2010-11-01T19:22:00.000-07:00

My heart breaks for the women in my life who have grown complacent in their relationships and have chosen to settle. Much too often do i hear a woman doubting that they really deserve more or falling further and further into the pit of despair, hopelessness and so called "love" with a guy that doesn't treat them right. Or won't fully commit. This ANGERS me, to be honest. Young women and women alike begin to lose hope in love or lose sight of true love as they convince themselves that the rut of a relationship they're in are as good as it gets. So, I am blogging about it. My voice is but one weak whisper, but paired with my passion for truth and justice to reign, I pray that it will reach the ears of those it was meant to. Bottom line, women, do NOT settle. Couple points:

1) Will he commit? And remain through better and worse?
What is the point of relationships if you do not see a potential future spouse in that person? Upon entering a relationship, if that man is not willing to commit to you FULLY, wavers when the going gets rough, cheats on you, takes advantage of you, talks down to you, abuses you, pushes your boundaries further and further back, is controlling, etc. it is not worth it. If a relationship is preparation for marriage, and the guy will not commit now, then any future together is bleak and unlikely. Do not allow your heart to develop so many ties to this person, so that you are left making up excuses for him treating you wrong or for his non-commital attitude. You are worth so much more. Which brings me to another point...

2) Do you know your self worth?
This may sound like a cliche question to some, but honestly i don't think many of us really do know how much we are worth. Women in relationships - Do you have an unsettling fear that you can't do any better? Do you find yourself trying so hard to make it work because you don't want to end up alone? Do you feel like you're not good enough - for anyone? That you're not pretty enough or too weak to be on your own? These are all lies. All heartwrenching, wicked LIES. You are worth so much more. You deserve true, whole, unconditional love. Even in your lowest of lows, at your worst - you deserve the greatest of Love. No matter your past mistakes, the guilt you hold on to - God demonstrates His own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us (Romans 5:8) God sent His only son to cancel the weight of sin and grant us eternal life, because He LOVES us. So so so so deeply, that no one can comprehend. Lovely women in my life, there is NOTHING that separates us from God's love - neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor death, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us...(Romans 8:38) You are deeply loved, right where you're at, by a Savior so full of mercies, so faithful and so loving. He looks at us with unfathomable joy and calls us His own! "You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you" are the words that fall from His lips (Song of Songs 4:7). Cling to these truths - you are worth everything - someone that will lay their life down for you. You are worth so much more than abuse, than a non-commital guy, than someone who does not put you before himself DAILY, than someone who does not take up his own cross, who doesn't love God above anything else. "Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces" (Matt 7:6) So the question is, have you settle for a dog or a pig that tramples you and convinces you you are worth nothing? If so, run. Run into the arms of someone who will never leave you or forsake you, who loves you and wants your absolute best. You are worth so much more. Don't ever question that.

3) Have you confused soul ties with love?
Sometimes, we mistake soul ties with true love. Souls ties often form when we cross lines with that person - be it physical intimacy, abuse, time poured into the relationship, spiritual/mental ties, etc. These soul ties restrain us and are so often confused with true love. I heard someone once say that "REAL LOVE will do WHATEVER it takes to lead you into life" (Luke Allison). Take a step back and examine your relationship. Is that relationship life-giving or life-sucking? Do you feel stuck? Do you feel like you are nothing without that person? Does that person take advantage of you, tell you what to think, push you, control you, thwart your biggest hopes and dreams? Does this person commit to you physically but refuse to do so relationally? Is this "love" leading you into life? If not, it's not love.

So here comes the hard part. If you've opened your eyes and realized your relationship is not life giving or that you've settled, it next step is difficult. But i beg you, do not remain in the complacency and familiarity because it's easier. Take that leap of faith and stand up for who you are and what you deserve. End that relationship, and stick with your decision. It's going to be a fight, sorting through those soul ties that may have formed or allowing your heart to truly heal and recognize you deserve more. It's going to take time, and you may take three steps foward and slip back a couple countless times. But take that step - out of death, out of a damaging relationship and into LIFE, into Him. Find WOMEN that will encourage you and support you and uphold you and stand by you. Do not try to fill that void with another relationship or other transient things. You may protest and say i don't understand or that this relationship is different. Women, we were created to be helpmates - encouragers, uplifters. But do not be convinced that it is your job to fix or change someone. This will get you nowhere. Please take that step into LIFE and away from the 'man', the lies, the life that enslaves you. I promise you, if you trust that God has a better future and a better LOVE in store for you, He will not leave you hanging. He is faithful and will show you your self worth - if You let Him. He will provide - if you let Him. He will heal your brokenness, sever any soul ties, in His timing - if You are patient in the time of waiting and let Him. I beg you - LET HIM.

Books to Check out:
Hinds Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard
Crazy Love by Francis Chan

Brothers and Sisters in Christ: Check out this website: http://www.marshillchurch.org/media/trial/marriage-and-men

Transformations

2010-10-27T10:34:00.000-07:00

After hours spent tossing and turning, trying to fall asleep last night, I stopped fighting it and spent time reflecting on this thought - Our whole journey in faith is one giant transformation. Check it: And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit. - 2 Corinthians 3:18 We are being transformed. From one degree of glory to the next. So, when the veil is initially removed and our eyes are opened to the wonders and works of God, this is one degree of glory. When we have a desire to seek God through anything, this is one degree of glory. When we are learning what it means to leave our old ways behind and follow after the Lord, another still. As we walk through trials and tribulations, in and out of season, we experience further transformation as we learn to cling to God and turn to Him no matter what lies before us. So often, we do not turn to the Lord for guidance or refuse to let Him enter in to certain areas of our lives. Still, in these moments we are being transformed. When the Bible calls us to "be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect" (Matthew 5:48) this is the final degree of our transformation. There is no way to attain this degree of perfection on our own - it requires sanctification with our Lord, so that He may lead us into perfection. While this final degree may not happen until He returns, we are called to work towards perfection in Him. Sometimes, we may take the matter of our own transformations into our own hands. This is when we fail to acknowledge the Lord as THE crucial part in our transformations, begin to think we can do it without Him. When we take transformation into our own hands, we often adopt the minds of the Pharisees and find refuge in our religious ways and preconceived ideas of who the Lord is. We begin to revel in our self righteousness and lose sight of how much we need the Lord. If and when we arrive at this point, we are at the mercy of the Lord and experience transformation as He tears down our preconceived notions and throws them out the window, reminding us of His power and how truly weak we are without Him.

Transformation. I have experienced more transformation in this past year and a half than in my entire life combined. Thanks be to God for the trials, the people, the situations, the losses He placed in my life so that the transformation process could continue. Truly. Though i am far from perfect, He has become this fiery passion within me - greater than life itself. And this is something i crave to share, as others enter into or continue to walk through their own transformation processes. As we draw close to God, He draws close to us. It takes us stepping out first, opening ourselves up to the One who brings transformation.

Forgiveness and Reconciliation

2010-10-22T12:49:00.001-07:00

For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you -Matthew 6:14

Is it just me, or is forgiveness is one of the hardest things we are called to do? ESPECIALLY when we have been cut deeply, hurt over and over again and/or are the ones that have been wronged. While God has forgiven us for our sinful nature - cancelled all of our sins through the death of Jesus, the spotless lamb and most perfect sacrifice - He calls us to forgive just the same. Forgiveness is a choice: at times, the person who has wronged you isn't going to ask you to forgive them. The act of forgiving, though difficult, brings so much freedom. When you release the anger, hard feelings, grudges, etc. toward that person and place it in the Lord's hands, freedom comes to both parties. Forgiving someone doesn't always mean letting them back in to your life in the same magnitude as they were before, or even at all. But it does mean that any feelings of resentment or anger have been released, through the act of forgiveness. In forgiving someone, you may be left with anger, frustration, and/or hurt, and that is okay. Sometimes, this is part of releasing and the healing process. But in the act of forgiving, you are no longer ruled by anger towards that person, your life is no longer run by your frustrations and hard feelings for that person. Basically, in forgiving someone you release them to the Lord and drop any charges you have against them.

As you may know (and/or have read), this past year and a half of my life has been full of many changes, painful pruning and new direction. About a year ago, i feel into a period of grieving, darkness and loss. Now, standing on the other side of that darkness in the marvelous light, and being able to be a witness to the Lord's faithfulness in that time, I have deeper understanding of that season. The Lord is my rock, my refuge, my savior, my beloved, my healer...and His mercies and faithfulness never cease. My relationship with Him is my first priority and i can now claim Him as my everything. It took walking through that season of darkness and loss to come to this place of intimate relationship with my Savior and King. How does this relate to forgiveness? During this time, God allowed the two people i was closest to to fade out of my life. One seemed to be ripped out of my life while the other sort of faded away as I was consumed by darkness and she felt abandoned and hurt.

While the two relationships and the aftermath have looked entirely different, it took forgiving them both and waiting for their forgiveness for reconciliation to come. And that reconciliation has happened with BOTH relationships in the past two weeks. God is faithful, right? In one relationship, I had forgiven him straight from the get go. But it took releasing him, waiting on the Lord and allowing healing and forgiveness to come on God's timing. Yes, i had fought and fought and carried a burden for the longest time, feeling like i needed to show and guide this brother in Christ, out of the love i had for him, into that place where he was able to forgive and receive healing. But the BIGGEST thing i've come to realize, in this relationship, is the humbling fact that the Lord doesn't need me to work. AMEN. And in forgiving and waiting for forgiveness in return, I have learned that forgiveness and reconciliation often requires WAITING on the Lord and trusting Him through it all.
The second relationship, the one that sort of faded away, was different. In this situation, my dear friend felt wronged and abandoned as i was enveloped in my season of darkness. This, too, took WAITING on the Lord. I know i had hurt her, but i couldn't jump back into the relationship for fear of hurting her again. In this situation, it took time for HER to forgive me and feel ready to put herself out there again. In this situation, I was called to step out and initiate something. And let me tell you, before meeting with this dear friend last night (for the first time in literally 6 months or more) i was sweating profusely...and kind of felt like i was going on a first date ;).

During this past week, in spending time with these two people that had once been key people in my life, I've realized that while the three of our lives have changed - we've grown, we've matured, journeyed further into our careers and passions (or different ones), experienced changes in our family, life, etc. - the relationship and deep care i have for both of these people still remain. With my dear friend, it felt like she and i picked up where we had left off - which was SUCH a blessing. And so, first and foremost, thanks be to GOD for bringing forgiveness and reconciliation in His time.

My prayerful advice to all of you, brothers and sisters, is that you do NOT delay in forgiving those that have hurt you or ASKING for forgiveness. Forgive them, in this very moment. Do not hesitate, do not protest, just forgive. It says in Matthew 5:23, "if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. FIRST be reconciled to your brother..." Do not delay in forgiving, for it will bring you true freedom. Then, the next step involves WAITING on the Lord. Be patient and wait for Him to act, as the Psalms so often remind us. Give it to God and let Him handle it. For surely, His ways are mightier than ours, His plans are more beautiful.

Friends, find true freedom in forgiveness. I pray we crave reconciliation with each other and allow our relationships to mirror the astounding act of forgiveness that God revealed in sending us His only son.

Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.-Colossians 3:13

You Are My Passion

2010-10-20T22:40:00.000-07:00

Check out the lyrics and the song below: You are My Passion by Jesus Culture :)

"I'm alive to bring glory to YOU, King
God of VICTORY, You are my PASSION.
It's in the way You are, You don't change at all,
Great and humble God, You are my PASSION.

My strength in life is I am YOURS
My soul delights, because i am YOURS..."

The Lord gives us victory. Freedom. He fuels our passions - shapes them, uses them for HIS glory!!!! Find hope in that, dear friends!

"Your WILL on EARTH is ALL i'm living for

Jesus, I glorify; Jesus, my love is YOURS
You are my heart's desire; I live to KNOW YOU more"

Lord, we show our trust in you by obeying your laws; our heart’s desire is to glorify your name. -Isaiah 26:8

"Light that breaks the darkness, showing what true love is
Always full of GOODNESS, You are my passion.
You never do me wrong, the meekest Man, but strong
The most perfect song, You are my passion."

The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness can NEVER extinguish it - John 1:5

God is good. He is good, He is good, He is good. May you find strength in Him, passion FOR Him.

Psalms :)

2010-10-19T22:32:00.000-07:00

My prayer, my worship, my plea, my thanksgiving to the Lord, through a conglomeration of some Psalms

Come and listen, all you who fear God, and i will tell you what he did for me (66:16):

Your unfailing love is better than life itself; how i praise you! (63:3) O Lord, your UNFAILING LOVE fills the earth;teach me your decrees (119:64) Let your steadfast love comfort me according to your promise to your servant. Let your mercy come to me, that i may live; for your law is my delight (119:76-77) Let your unfailing love rest upon us (33:22) Take DELIGHT in the Lord, and He will give you your hearts desire (37:4) Open my eyes to see the wonderful truths in your instructions (119:18) Turn my eyes from looking at worthless things; and give me LIFE in your ways (119:37) Your word is a lamp to guide my feet and a light for my path (119:105) You are good and do only good; teach me your decrees(119:68) Your laws are my treasure; they are my heart's delight (119:111)My suffering was good to me, for it taught me to pay attention to your decrees (119:71) Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning (30:5) The Lord will withhold no good thing from those who do what is right (84:11) Let all that i am wait quietly before God, for my HOPE is in him (62:5) Be still and know that HE IS GOD (46:10) Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait PATIENTLY for him to act (37:7)Keep steady my steps according to your promise, and let no iniquity get dominion over me (119:133) He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as i walked along (40:2) The Lord says, "I will guide you along the best pathway for your life" (32:8) You are my hiding place and my shield; I HOPE in your word (119:114) How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered! (139:17) Seek His presence continually (105:4) You have turned my mourning into JOYFUL dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with JOY (30:11) My soul makes its boast in the Lord (34:2) Let all that i am praise the Lord; with my whole heart, I will praise is holy name (103:1)

The Tunnel

2010-10-18T10:37:00.000-07:00

This image and analogy came to mind yesterday, as I headed up to St Joseph to visit my cousin and some friends. As i drove through this tunnel, I realized the past year and a half can be summed up by this momentary time in the tunnel.

As I approached the figurative tunnel over a year ago, I refrained and fought with all my strength to avoid going through it. After losing my strength to fight, I reluctantly stepped into the darkness. I spent the first steps into the tunnel looking backwards, focusing on the light evading me. Darkness enveloped me, and i began to walk through the tunnel. I wasn't sure how long the tunnel spanned, so i continued to walk. The light behind me was a mere dot on the horizon. I craved to see the light, but kept walking through the tunnel. Soon, my eyes adjusted to the darkness and I accepted the very journey i ventured on. Before I knew it, light flooded into the dark tunnel and i had reached the end. Though the light was the same light on the previous side, it seemed much brighter, to eyes that had adjusted to the darkness. I was in awe of the Light, so taken by it's majesty and magnitude... i wanted to follow after it more than ever.

***

When God allows us to walk through the darkness, may we never doubt His plans for us. Though we may not see beyond the darkness, He can. In times of Light and joy and fruitfulness, may we stand in awe of Him. In times of darkness, despair, loss, and the unknown, may we accept the 'tunnel' we're in and be encouraged, knowing the light will be SO much brighter on the other side :)

Wordless Thanksgiving III

2010-10-06T10:15:00.001-07:00

Find rest, O my soul, in God ALONE;
my HOPE comes from Him.
-Psalm 62:5

Our God REIGNS

2010-09-30T13:34:00.000-07:00

The Lord reigns, let the earth rejoice...!
-Psalm 97:1

Listen to this:

Simple lyrics, right? Our God reigns; forever Your kingdom reigns!

The definition of reign as a verb: 1) to posses or exercise sovereign power or authority 2) to have control, rule, or influence of any kind 3) to predominate, be prevalent

So when we sing Our God reigns, we are claiming that He is sovereign and in control. We are CLAIMING that He will prevail - His kingdom, His power and His glory. Jesus Christ is not only our Lord and Savior, but the Supreme Ruler. No matter what we are dealing with, no matter what darkness we are going through - He REIGNS!!!!!!! Seriously, can we even fathom that? If we could, and if we really trusted that God reigned over EVERY ONE of our situations, there would be so much more peace and joy, even in the midst of our trials.

You guys, our God reigns! Listen to the song again. Only this time, let that truth sink in to your heart.

If we truly trust that our God reigns, how do we respond? As i've been praying for specific situations friends are dealing with, this is what i feel is the answer that encompasses several of them: Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord! (Psalm 27:14)

Now, waiting on the Lord may look different in each situation. But as we wait in the Lord, we trust His sovereignty is at work - meaning, He is reigning over all our situations! Sometime in our waiting, we are called to act, make a decision, reach out to someone, say something we've been scared to say. Sometimes, we'll be called to not say anything and completely remove ourself from the situation, pray without ceasing, etc.

I am in a season where i am learning to further trust in our God's sovereignty. I believe He has called me into this new season and new career, for it was only after acting - taking a semester off and waiting on Him, that i received new direction. In this season of rest, i've sought Him more than i ever have, but i have also waited on Him (and still am). While His calling on my life becomes stronger, so do the enemy's attacks. And THAT is hard to deal with - the doubt, the apathy, etc. i'm currently confronting. SO, i must wait and trust that my God REIGNS and the enemy is crushed beneath His feet!

Sweet friends, you three who are learning to let go of love lost, trust in His sovereignty. He reigns! You who are in the midst of this beautiful season of being engaged, trust He is preparing you for your role as wife (even the submission part ;P) - He reigns! You all who are in a season of mourning or learning to comfort friends who mourn, He reigns! He reigns, He reigns, He reigns. Trust this, and find true freedom knowing He is taking care of our situations and asking us to WAIT on Him. Give the situations to our Sovereign Lord, be obedient, and see what He does with it. Trust me, the outcomes will be far greater than we can imagine.

Search Me, O God...

2010-09-28T22:24:00.001-07:00

Search me, O God, and know my heart!
Try me and know my thoughts!
And see if there be any grievous way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting!
-Psalm 139:23-24

At my church's worship service tonight (Deeper at Substance - check it out!), this Psalm became my prayer. The Lord has led me to the verge of something NEW, something HUGE. What's ironic about this psalm is that God already knows us, inside and out - our thoughts, our hearts, etc. But when we invite Him in, in fact when we command that He enters, as in this Psalm, He is able to move and bring things that are not pleasing to Him to our attention. Sometimes He uproots things, sifts through our hearts and makes us aware of footholds or areas in our life we were not even aware of before!

Minutes after praying this, i felt a need to reach out to someone - someone who i felt i deserved justice from, and have a strong desire to be reconciled with. However, after reaching out countless times in the past, i know this desire for reconciliation is out of my control. I have put myself out there, but now is my time to give this person space and allow them all the time he needs. SO, point is, this very thought and need to contact that person was a FOOTHOLD, a grievous way the Lord brought to my attention! At first, i did not connect my praying of Psalm 139 to this thought. This thought caused me to hit a wall, as i became frustrated and stopped worshipping. After finally forcing myself to seek council in the prayer chapel, the walls of confusion came down.

It's crazy how that works, huh? When we reach out, when we allow others to pray over a burden or foothold, when we let people in to the things we've kept in the dark....there is true freedom. As it says in the Psalms, for when i kept silent my bones wasted away... (Psalm 32:3) The Lord has created community and given us brothers and sisters in Christ so that we may be uplifted in prayer and encouragement. After seeking refuge in the prayer chapel, both for affirmation in the calling i feel the Lord has placed on my life and in further releasing this foothold, i broke down. Gosh, there is so much freedom in breakdowns sometime. I love it. The Lord affirmed a couple things that i would so love to share with you all:

1) Sometimes, there are deep-rooted lies we've come to believe as truths. When we ask the Lord to test our hearts and examine our thoughts, He may bring these lies to the surface. I had come to believe a lie a few years ago - i was not cut out for ministry or potentially being a pastor's wife. Though the Lord has absolutely crushed this lie and replaced it with His calling, there seems to be remnants that have remained hidden beneath the surface. I can say now, with full assurance, the Lord is calling me into ministry. For now, I am hesitant to share what exactly that entails, regarding my future career and mission field, for the Lord's call and direction could change once again!

2) I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me - even conquering footholds, though i am impatient and still a little frustrated. As i turn to Him and admit my weakness, man oh man does He MOVE!!

3) I suck at being pursued. I am such an excitable, outgoing, go-getter. While i can attribute this to my personality, i will also willingly admit it's a fault and shows a lack of trust in the Lord. Praise Jesus, He's working in me. And gosh darn, i don't have time to pursue a relationship right now! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Haha...i guess that could be my excuse in any season, but i'm so turned off to pursuing and slightly open to being pursued, given the right man.

4) In praying for my future hubby/ministry partner tonight with two amazing women (that's weird to type...and think about haha), besides it being completely necessary that he is a man after the Lord's own heart, i also realized there is a need for him to be ready and willing for our mission field to change. While my mission field is currently in Lakeville and the Twin Cities, who knows where the Lord will lead (and to what different state? country? CONTINENT?!?!?) So exciting, right?!

:) God is good. Allow Him to search you. If you invite Him in with an open heart, He has room to move - even if that means correcting, sifting, disciplining (for surely a loving Father disciplines those He loves). I also strongly strongly encourage people in all sorts of faith walks to not hesitate in seeking council and being prayed over. It is freeing to allow others in, to gain prayer warriors who will uphold you in prayer!

I am blessed beyond BELIEF to have such an amazing community of brothers and sisters!! THANK YOU LORD!

One Foot In Front of the Other

2010-09-27T19:45:00.000-07:00

I am a sporadic, undisciplined runner. I'll go through waves of really feeling motivated to run mile after mile, only to be discouraged weeks later that i can only run a couple miles. Its SUCH a mental thing, you know? I have the confidence that i am fully capable of running a half marathon and great distances, but there are times when i simply cannot because i mentally talk myself out of it.

The mind is a powerful thing. Today on my run, I ran two miles straight, then walked some. I was ready to tackle this long hill i always pysch myself out about. When i arrived at the bottom of the hill, I looked down at my feet and focused on each step. Rather than looking at the crazy intimidating hill that lay ahead, I focused on putting one foot in front of the other. I cranked up the worship music, meditated on Philippians 4:13 (I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me), listening to worship, and kept my mind focused on the Lord. It worked - for awhile, but my undisciplined mind and curiosity got the best of me, and i realized i still had so much more hill to climb. So i walked the rest of the way, feeling discouraged.

How applicable is this idea of "putting one foot in front of the other" in a life sought after the Lord, huh? While we are called to run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfector of our faith.. (Hebrews 12:1-2) it is also important that we take it a step at a time. For me, conquering that hill was similar to confronting other areas in life. If we focus on what lies ahead, or the difficult journey the Lord is calling us to embark on; if we were able to see a desert season lying straight ahead of us, or see situations that would bring us pain and hurt, we would be SO discouraged and so...unwilling to continue running this race, wouldn't we? Gosh, if i could avoid pain or a trying season, i think i would. And that is why the Lord's ways are so mysterious. That is why we catch glimpses of His plan in His timing, and He reveals things to us as He sees fit. This race we are running will be difficult at times. We will be left heaving and tending to running cramps. We may even have to sit it out on the side line, crippled by excruciating pain. We may have to run for lengths of time, in the heat of a desert and feel all that is within us running dry.

But let me affirm and encourage, the end result is worth it. Reaching the finish line after a trying journey, will be the best feeling EVER! God has placed us in this very journey - do you believe it? Instead of asking for Him to reveal more about the journey you're on, instead of asking Him why, let our whys be silenced with prayers asking God to be our strength and all we need on the journey. His plan is greater than ours. His plans are for our good.

And as for the mental discipline? We all must learn to take our thoughts captive before the Lord. When we catch ourselves falling into an oppressive cycle that bring feelings of unworthiness, that reveal generational curses we have come to believe, that discourage us and keep us from valiantly running the race that lies ahead, may we bring them before the Lord and allow Him to shatter the lies. May we turn to His truth, the Living Word to build us up and keep us hoping in Him. This journey? It starts by putting one foot in front of the other, knowing that whatever lies ahead, Jesus is who we look to, He is who we turn to, He is the source of strength we need to keep running, and the one who will shatter the lies we've come to know and replace them with His glorious truths. So take the next step.

Getting Towed

2010-09-26T17:33:00.000-07:00

It seems like when we're at a place where we're pursuing the Lord with all we've got, when we've laid down our will, the enemy attacks us even more and boosts up his defense. He hates when we are drawing closer to the Lord and allowing Him to work in our lives. So, since my last post about Letting Go, i've definitely faced some challenges. That same day, Friday, I went on a last minute road trip to visit one of my dearest friends in Mankato. Ally's been going through a lot of major changes and challenges of life, so i was really looking forward to just catching up and lounging together. Upon arriving at her apartment, the guest parking was completely full. Being the "responsible" women we are (haha), we wrote a note that said "visitor parking full", stuck it in my windshield and parked two spaces away from guest parking. The next morning, I headed to my car bright and early since i had to go to work. When i got to where i had parked my car, it was gone. I couldn't believe it at first! MY CAR HAD BEEN TOWED! Three things immediately came to my head: 1) I HAVE TO GET TO WORK! THIS ISN"T FAIR! 2) Really?! My car gets towed in Mankato?! Of the three years i've lived in Minneapolis, my car was never ONCE towed, and now HERE?! DUMMMMMBBB. and 3) Shoot! I do not have the money to get my car from the impound lot.
After calling Ally and convincing her this was not a joke (hahaha), she and her sweet roommate rolled out of bed, found the number for the impound lot and tow service and brought me there. It cost $80 to get it out, and i had little time to get to work and shower. THANKFULLY, i made it home in the nick of time, got ready, and booked it to work with three minutes to spare.
The funny things are, which are also the God things:

1) I had just read a chapter in Elizabeth George's book, A Woman After God's Own Heart about prayer - praying about EVERYTHING! As Proverbs says, in ALL your ways, acknowledge Him... so the whole time, I was praying. For patience dealing with the towing company and the lady who answered the apartment phone line. I prayed that God would reign in this situation, that i would trust Him and be slow to anger. I prayed prayed prayed, up until i arrived at work, i would get there on time. I prayed that God would provide, for He knows my money stresses.

2) I made it to work on time - with three minutes to spare.

3) The shift i was working? I had picked up the shift from a coworker who asked me to cover it. Guess how much i walked out with in tips? You're going to be in awe. $80!!!! The EXACT amount of money it cost to get my car out of the impound lot. I think it is safe to say, God was really reigning over this situation. HALLELUJAH!

We are faced with situations that will try us - every day of our lives. It is so important that we learn to act NOT on our emotions and anger, but to trust that the Lord has it all under control. As Hannah Hurnard states in her book Hinds Feet On High Places, "Every circumstance in life, no matter how crooked and distorted and ugly it appears to be, if it is reacted to in LOVE and forgiveness and obedience to Your will can be transformed". I pray that we learn this. No, the towing example is NOT an example of how i've mastered this technique - i'm not even CLOSE. It is a testimony, however, of God's power, His hand on the situation, and how comforted, looked after, and at peace we can be in the midst of trying times if we turn to Him and trust in Him with all we have.

Today (Sunday) I opened a book (so to speak) i thought had closed long ago - full of insecurities and not letting go of certain things. While my friends offered their outside perspective and advice, they kept insisting that I was, in fact, NOT over it as i claim to be. And while i know they're right, I felt discouraged. I thought i had begun this journey of giving it to God - that my decision not to act but to trust Him with it - were sure signs of me letting go. And, after a long nap full of many weird dreams, I felt even more discouraged. But that's just it - i have BEGUN this journey of giving it to God. BEGUN. It's going to take time. I'm not where i was a month ago or a year ago - praise JESUS! And this journey has gotten sweeter and produced more fruit as i learn more about what it looks like to release things into His hands! It is also important to acknowledge the inner workings of Christ - sometimes, God is doing some crazy heart/life changes that take time to cultivate. And while we may be aware that He is working, we may not know where His workings are leading and others may not see them right away. So, i'm filled with encouragement knowing i've sensed His workings and cannot wait to see the results!!

To wrap up...we're going to face trials. The death of a loved one, not being able to be reconciled with a friend or individual, not having enough money to pay the bills, etc. There's SO MANY trials. God did not promise us a smooth road. He did, however, give us His strength - and get this. It works BEST in our weakness. (2 Corin 12:9). He DID say our trials and tribulations will develop character and help us learn to persevere (Romans 5:3). And while we can not do it on our own, we can rest assured the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness (Romans 8:26). So, let God in to trying situations. Acknowledge His presence, His power, and your need. And you will be amazed at what He can and will do as He reigns over your situation. Give Him time and room to work.

Letting Go

2010-09-24T12:21:00.000-07:00

Why do we have such a hard time letting go? Releasing control, loosening our grip, casting our anxieties and worries and burdens on the Lord? There is so much freedom when we acknowledge that what we've been holding on to was never really ours to begin with. In the past, I've had a hard time letting go of relationships and admitting that God doesn't need me to work in their lives. I've had a hard time letting go of situations and truly accepting things i cannot change. Letting go is a struggle for many of us - letting go of someone we've lost, letting go of wanting to "help" people with areas in their life (which also results in attempting to live their life for them), letting go of the past, letting go of stress and present circumstances, letting go of wanting to plan the future, and the hardest of all - letting go of our own lives.

While i have been so fearful of a future unknown and unplanned, i have found sincere beauty in letting go of those plans. By loosening my grip and letting God work it all out, I feel...different. Renewed. I, Katy Gunderson, someone who had her whole future figured out, am finding pure joy knowing the Lord is guiding me into bigger and better things i never could've planned for myself. Even if i'm being kept in the dark and am uncertain of what/when they will be revealed. As i give Him more - my career path, my identity, etc. and acknowledge His faithfulness as He guides me, I am free.

Think about it. If God is in control of everything, if He has known us from the beginning of time and "all the days ordained for me were written in [His] book" (Psalm 139), these temporary afflictions, circumstances, losses, confusion, hurt, pain, etc. will pass. He has a brilliant future for those he has called (Ephesians 1:18). All we have to do is choose Him, with our free will, and entrust our lives - every aspect of it - into His hands.

As my man Oswald Chambers says, "Get to the end of yourself where you can do nothing, but where He does everything."

So, no matter where we are in this journey, what is it God is calling us to let go of and trust Him with? For me, it's the career choice i've had planned for years and years. It takes a giant leap of faith, but it is worth it. I pray that we all get to the end of ourselves and allow the Lord to take over and show us what He has in store.

Jars of Clay

2010-09-23T11:23:00.000-07:00

Last night, i spent my quiet time reading 2 Corinthians. I am so blown away by the amount of verses that really spoke to me in this time. For you women out there, of any age or any walk of life, I wholeheartedly recommend A Woman After God's Own Heart by Elizabeth George. I'm only two chapters in and so impressed with her teachings and encouragement to get rooted in the word. Seriously, check it out! She's inspired me to start memorizing a verse a week, so that I may store up truths in times of drought, and so i am ready and willing to speak them into existence!

Okay, so the connection. After reading the second chapter of George's book, I turned to 2 Corinthians for my first verse to memorize: 2 Corinthians 3:17-18. I'll get into that verse in a later post. I really want to focus on a verse later on in 2 Corinthians:

But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us -2 Corinthians 4:7

We = jars of clay: Plain, simple, average vessels used to carry water or other...things. We were created to contain what is poured into us. The power of God in us - His existence, His love, His workings in us, His call = the treasure within us. We, average and ordinary jars, have the opportunity to receive this magnificent treasure that is greater than gold! As we grow in relationship with the Lord, as we turn to Him to fill us, we are given Him - our treasure! Think about it - without God pouring into us, we are but empty vessels.

So, may we boast in our nothingness. May we accept that we are but jars of clay, so that the Lord's workings in our lives and His POWER are what people notice, what people see, and what they crave. It is by His hand alone and His power within us that we are: "afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed..." - 2 Corinthians 4:8-9 As we encounter trials, despair, confusion,persecution, etc. it is the Lord's power that is poured into us that gives us the power to move forward and live a life set firm in Him.

As mere jars of clay containing the greatest treasure, Jesus Christ, may our prayer be that the power and presence of the Lord will overflow from us (John 7:38). Take heart, friends. Rest assuredly on the Lord's promise and workings in your life:

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing us for an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal. -2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Savoring His Presence

2010-09-20T19:44:00.001-07:00

Be still in the presence of the Lord,
and wait patiently for Him to act.
-Psalm 37:6

Let your ROOTS grow down into him, and let
your lives be built on him. Then your faith
will grow strong in the truth you were taught,
and you will overflow with thankfulness.
-Colossians 2:7

A dear friend recommended the book, A Woman After God's Own Heart by Elizabeth George. Only pages into the first chapter about being a woman fully devoted to God, George emphasizes the importance of spending time in His Presence. She includes the story of Mary and Martha, and how Jesus commended Mary for sitting in His presence, enjoying His company and dropping the need to busy herself in preparation for His visit.

What makes it so hard to BE STILL and simply dwell in the Lord? How have we grown accustom to always going, going, going, constantly on the move - even if it's on to the next church event or the next service project or youth group or getting coffee with a person you mentor, etc. The list goes on. Yes, faith without actions is dead. Yes, serving and being actively involved in bringing His kingdom to earth is beautiful. But why is simply sitting at His feet - meditating with scripture, worshipping, simply beholding God so hard?

Spending time with Him is what He asks. Putting down the business of life, letting our minds be consumed by Him and stray away from the thoughts of all we have to do is His plea. If only for a few moments each day. As cliche and overused as this line is, we are in a relationship with Jesus Christ. Relationships involve spending time with that person, giving them your undivided attention and just...taking them in. And if our relationship with Jesus Christ is the most important one of all, i pray we all get to a place where we are OVERJOYED to just sit and bask in His presence.

When we give Him our undivided attention, when we allow Him to move as we remain STILL before Him, this is the very place where the Lord will reveal more of Himself. This time with Him is where He gives us visions, instruction, reveals His abounding love and affections towards us.

My prayer for all of us is that we find time to truly savor His presence. That we realize our need for Him, and feel an emptiness without taking the time each day to meet with Him. Stay in His presence, just a little longer. Spend time in prayer, focus on one verse or one quality of the Lord, or simply sit. Whatever time with Him looks like, God may we crave it. May we feel an insatiable desire for more of You.

Be STILL and know that i am God!
-Psalm 46:10

Draw near to God and He will draw near to you
-James 4:8

Check it: A Little Longer...

LEANING on the Lord (Song of Songs 8:5)

2010-09-13T09:12:00.000-07:00

I want to share with you yesterday's devotional from Streams in the Desert. It's based on one of my life verses and is such a beautiful reminder of what it means to lean on the Lord:

Who is this coming up from the desert leaning on her lover? - Song of Songs 8:5

"I once learned a great lesson at a prayer meeting at a southern church. As one man prayed, he asked the Lord for various blessings, just as you or i would, and he thanked the Lord for many blessings already received, just as you or i would. But he closed his prayer with this unusual petition: "And, O Lord, support us! Yes, support us on every leaning side!"
Do you have any "leaning sides"? This humble man's prayer pictured them in a new way and illustrated the Great Supporter in a new light, as well. He saw God as always walking alongside the Christian, ready to extend His mighty arm to steady the weak on "every leaning side".

Child of My love, lean hard,
And let Me feel the pressure of your care;
I know your burden, child. I shaped it;
Balanced it in Mine Own hand; made no proportion
In its weight to your unaided strength,
For even as I laid it on, I said,
"I will be near, and while she leans on Me,
this burden will be Mine, not hers;
So will i keep My child within the circling arms
Of my Own love." Here lay it down, nor fear
To impose it on a shoulder that upholds
The government of worlds. Yet closer come:
You are not near enough. I would embrace your care;
So i might feel My child reclining on My breast.
You love Me, I know. So then do not doubt;
But loving Me, lean hard.
-Streams in the Desert (September 12), L.B. Cowman

Beautiful image and devotion, yes? The Lord has crafted our burdens, He has allowed certain things to enter into our lives, SO THAT we may LEAN on Him. These hard times? These joys, these celebrations, these times of weakness and sorrow? They are all meant to bring us closer to the Lord. May we learn to truly, TRULY LEAN on Him. We were not meant to take on the world and our burdens on our own - He never planned it to be this way.

The first time this verse really sunk in, really become a life verse for me, was just under a year ago. I was bruised and hurting, I felt the darkness consuming me. And this sweet, sweet verse from Song of Songs, spoke wonders to me. I came across it in a book, an allegory of the Song of Songs (Hinds' Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard...check it out, seriously). And after spending time just meditating on it, i got this image of myself: beat up, limping, tear streaked and dirty cheeks, blisters on my feet, so weary and worn from the journey, being supported and held by Jesus, as He carefully walked beside me and led me and allowed me to lean on Him. Mmm, this vision still brings tears to my eyes. Life is a journey. We will have seasons of life where we are bruised up and limping and can do nothing but lean on the Lord. There are also times where the season is fruitful and beautiful and joyful, and we forget our desperate need to lean on Him.

So, where are you? Do you acknowledge your need to lean on the Lord? Do you realize our desperate need for Him to be by our side? Do you long for Him to pick you up, for fear that you have fallen and can't pick yourself up? No matter where you are, this truth is real: We need to lean on the Lord. Through any and all things. We need to depend on Him, admit our need for Him, and allow Him to carry our burdens and carry us through.

ACTS: A Call To Serve - ministry Proposal

2010-09-10T12:37:00.000-07:00

God has really been placing a burden on my heart - there is SO much need in this world, even in the community around us. I think, as Christians, we all need to be aware of that need and God's call for us to serve, to reach out, to go lower and be servants. This has been something that i've been praying about for a few months now. After being blessed to receive First Runner Up in the Miss Lakeville Pageant and now serving as an ambassador to Lakeville, i felt God beckoning me further - past the pretty dresses, the sparkly crown, the parades and events. God has placed the importance of service and the need for more opportunities on my heart - the need to equip others, to get them plugged in and provide people with places where they can put their faith into ACTION. God's ways are so wonderful, and I'm not the only one whose felt a tug on my heart. Miss Lakeville 2010 and my dear friend Jenna Diercks has also felt God calling her to serve. God had placed this dream and calling in our lives a couple months ago and continues to grow it.

On a mission trip to El Salvador and Guatemala (mid July), God laid a name for this ministry: ACTS. A Call To Serve. I wrote it in my journal and tucked the idea in the back of my head somewhere. Now, a couple months later, God has stirred again and brought this idea to mind. After listening to the song Turn Down the Music by Shane & Shane (listen below) in the car yesterday, the Lord provided further instruction: serve my people. Serve these people. The song outlines Matthew 25:34-40:

34"Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. 35For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'
37"Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'
40"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'

Jesus has clearly instructed us to serve those in need, those who are hurting, those who feel isolated, and those who simply need His unending love. My vision for ACTS is to work with already existing ministries, charities and organizations, meet their specific needs, provide ministry, and provide college (highschool? middle school? adults?) students/people with opportunities to serve. God has given us all unique passions, for a specific group of people, etc. He has given us gifts, talents to serve Him, by serving others. He has given us ALL we need to serve others. It just takes the next step. Do you feel convicted?

For now, my vision for this potential ministry involves focusing on specific groups outlined in Matthew 25:
1) Homeless/People in Need
2) Strangers/Immigrants
3) Sick
4) Prison

It would be AMAZING to partner, work with and meet the needs of homeless shelters, food shelthers, clothing drives, English language classes, Children's hospitals, nursing homes, Alcoholics Anonymous, and doing ministry - in prisons, on the street, in spending time with those who are hurting/sick/in need. There is so much need, yet we have been blessed abundantly - we are not helpless. By following specific passions and giving the Lord a chunk of our time to SERVE others, in one ministry or another, we are following the call of James 2:17 and 2:22:

17In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead. - James 2:17

22You see that his faith and his actions were working together, and his faith was made complete by what he did. - James 2:22

We are called to put our faith into action. We are called to minister and serve those in need. For whatever we do for the least of these, we did for Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior.

Isaiah 58:10-11 promises THIS:
10 and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry
and satisfy the needs of the oppressed,
then your light will rise in the darkness,
and your night will become like the noonday.

11 The LORD will guide you always;
he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
and will strengthen your frame.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
like a spring whose waters never fail.

John Piper comments about this verse:
"...if we pour ourselves out for others, God promises to make us like "a watered garden" - that is, we will receive the water we need for refreshment and joy. But even more, we will thus be a "spring of water" that does NOT fail - for others, for the demanding, exhausting, draining ministry of urban self-giving...God has made us to flourish by being spent for others. " - When the Darkness Will Not Lift, Piper 63

That is a promise. God is calling us to spend ourselves, to literally WASTE ourselves, exhaust ourselves, pour ourselves out for OTHERS and their needs. But, we will not be left with nothing. Rather, we will NEVER see an end to God's glorious riches. He will continue to fill us up. We WILL have the time and the energy to continue to serve and continue to waste our lives for others, thanks be to God.

John 7:38 - Whoever believes in me, as[a] the Scripture has said, streams of living water will flow from within him."

So, the next step? I need help. I need resources. I need others who feel a passion for one or more of these areas who feel convicted to step up and serve. I want ACTS to be the bridge and outlet for students to serve organizations, charities and people in NEED. Do you feel convicted and/or passionate about helping? God has yet to reveal how this will look, but i'm entrusting it all to Him. And it's time to get others on board, so this vision is not limited by my own tiny brain. Will you help? If so, comment on this note and include an email address. :) Keep pressing in.

A final word: In the past few months, the Lord has also placed the word "revival" on my heart. This world needs revival. The church needs revival. And in what better way to see a newness of life, a resurrected church, a fiery passion than to reach out, beyond church walls into places of need? This whole world needs revival. If you feel called to international missions, know that your mission field, your place to serve is wherever you are. Right now. In your very city.

"Turn down the music,
Turn down the noise,
Turn up Your voice, O God,
Let us hear the sound

of people broken,
Willing to love,
Give us Your heart, O God,
a new song rising up

Let it be our worship,
Let it be our true religion,
In this world, but not of it,
Holding on to our confession..."
-Shane & Shane

Memories

2010-09-09T11:01:00.000-07:00

Ah, memories. This afternoon, i've begun moving all of my belongings into my new room in the basement. Shoes, clothes and STUFF are easy to move; memories, not so much. I had photo album upon photo album, scrapbooks, old love letters, photo collages, ticket stubs and old bits and pieces of memories. The hardest part about memories are the emotions they evoke, especially when they tell of love lost, old friends you have lost contact with, and people that have faded away. While i was laughing one moment at the AWKWARD silly things i wrote about old crushes in some of my journals, i was overcome with sorrow going through things that remind me of those i'm no longer close with. It's crazy how that works, huh? God truly does work in seasons.

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:
a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn and a time to dance;
a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
a time to seek and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
a time to tear, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
a time to love, and a time to hate;
a time for war, and a time for peace.
-Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

I think the weirdest part of memories is how much they represent the idea of time and time passed. They tell stories, they speak of where we HAVE been, who we once were. How humbling it was to look at prayers i had written down and to see how the Lord has answered them, in time. No matter our memories, no matter the intensity of the bittersweet feelings they evoke, no matter where we've been, no matter where we are NOW, no matter how much we've changed, one thing is certain: While our memories are fleeting, while our circumstances, relationships, etc. are constantly changing, the Lord does not. He never changes! His love never fails, He will NEVER fail or forsake us. Even if memories tell of happier days and the present appears bleak, the Lord is still the same. Yesterday, today and forever. He will bring us through all memories, He will be our constant, and we can hold on to the promise that we will see joyful days once again.

Thank you, God, for the joys of the past. Even the sorrows and tough times, thank you. Even for love lost, friendships that have fallen away, the process of aging, THANK YOU. May they be reminders of your constancy. May they point to Your consistency, Your unfailing glory and your love unending. While seasons come and go, while events and people become mere memories, You stay the same.

A Semester (Indefinitely?) Off Explanation

2010-08-30T19:25:00.000-07:00

Here's a quick summary/beginning of the email i sent to my parents this morning:

I'm sorry to spring such a huge life decision on you last minute...and now my advisors would like to know in a matter of hours. The thought of taking a semester off just hit me last night. I've been praying about really honoring the idea of a Sabbath day and setting aside Sunday as a day of rest - yesterday was my first one. So, after going to church and resting while seeing friends, it's sort of a God thing that this thought were to hit me while i gave more time to God.

My life has always been go, go go. You have known and seen that. And school sort of fell into "the plan" - aka, my plan: Go to college, graduate as early as possible and, since i was in this really great relationship with this really great guy, we'd get married fresh out of college. And when God asked me to surrender the really great relationship, i was still left with this really great career i had been passionate about since...forever: teaching. So i sucked it up, and kept on going, full speed ahead (if not faster).

And here i am, a college graduate (well one lousy paper away from graduating). About to start student teaching and embark on the part of the journey i've been anticipating all this time. And the night before, THE NIGHT BEFORE, i feel a thought enter my mind: Take a semester off. Uhh...what? WHAT?! This is not like me. I have planned since day one, and though i'm "go with the flow" at times, my plan is where it's at mostly. But when the thought came in, i just felt a lot of peace. It was like this heavy and huge thought crushed a lot of the walls i had built and wiped out a lot of fear and need to control. The reason i'm so at peace with this thought is because it's really not anything i'd construct or think of. It's quite the opposite. I know God has been calling me to rest and slow down, lately. And though you may not have seen many results of that, it's been happening slowly but surely. I never would've thought in a million years it would mean slowing down this much.

...

So, this is a season of rest. I am still praying about taking the middle school class in mid-November so i could still be on track with the Licensure Program if i do so choose to go back in the Spring. At this point, i don't know what's next. There's been things that pop into my head - long term missions, ministry, going to school for family counseling? All of those things are good, but they are also a safety net of plans keeping me from facing, truly, the UNKNOWN. I need to let God...be God. Things WILL fall into place. Whether i go back to school or not, next semester or in five years, this is where i need to be.
I feel really passionate about devoting more time to the girls i mentor - investing more into their lives, being able to start a bible study, etc. I also feel really passionate about being involved with middle school/senior high ministries at church. So that's a start. And while i already feel a need to fill my now EMPTY schedule up with...more plans...i must refrain and face the unknown. I have a passion for teaching. I do. But i am now aware teaching may look different than in an elementary school. I don't know where God's leading. That used to freak me out, and though i'm a little apprehensive still, i'm so very at peace.

Today's (August 29) My Utmost For His Highest had a perfect, fitting verse: And this same God who takes care of me will supply ALL your needs from His glorious riches... -Philippians 4:19.

So, this is where i'm at. I'm FINALLY seeking refuge in the watchtower. I HATE waiting...but God's calling me to rest, so i may earnestly wait.

I will climb up to my watchtower
and stand at my guardpost.
There, i will WAIT to see what the Lord says
and how he will answer my complain.
-Habakkuk 2:1

To All Unbelievers, Seekers, the Beaten Down and The Church Alike

2010-08-28T20:02:00.000-07:00

As i was driving home from St Cloud today, i had time to spend time meditating and worshipping God. He laid something huge on my heart - how badly, how horribly we portray His unfathomable love to others that have yet to encounter it - to unbelievers, to seekers, to those that have been hurt by the church, turned away, beaten down by US - so called "followers" of Christ.

To Christians, Christ-followers, Catholics, Protestants, The Body, The Church:
We, as the church, the Body of Christ seem to forget that we owe it all to Him. We allow our minds to resemble the religious Pharisees - focusing on living a rigid lifestyle free from sin. At one point or another, we all fall prone to this way of thinking. And when we live our lives focused on the laws and regimented lifestyle, we allow our hearts to believe we have to earn God's love, God's affections - it is up to us and our good deeds, what we do.

And how, then, does this look to those on the fringes, those beginning to dip their big toe in to test the waters of church and God and faith, before they really jump in? Our need for perfection, to live a life that God would be "satisfied" with or "proud" of, our need to earn love, to live a regimented life grounded in the strictness that is religion and LOOK DOWN ON those we deem outcasts - Homosexuals. Addicts. Druggies. Alcoholics. Prostitutes. Sluts turns people away and turns them off from wanting to know the Author and Perfecter of Love Himself!

Who are WE to turn people away because of their visible sins and "unclean lifestyle"? And the King will say, "I tell you the truth, when you did it to one of the least of these, my brothers and sisters, you were doing it to me! ...I was a stranger and you didn't invite me into your home. I was naked and you didn't give me clothing. I was sick and in prison, and you didn't visit me." - Matthew 25:40,43

Here is the truth we all need to face: we have all sinned, and all fall short of the glory of God (Rom 3:23). The human race is depraved. We are disgusting sinners, filth, SCUM, full of selfishness and damned without Jesus Christ intervening on our behalf. Had the Lord not stepped in, had He not been the perfect, spotless sacrifice and given His life for us, we'd be...screwed, for lack of better words. There is NOTHING we can do to earn His love, no good deeds are ever enough. For what we give back to the Lord, He has already given us. Without His mercies, His unending grace, His presence in my heart, my soul would not be accounted for. It is by His grace alone that we are promised everlasting life. So we, the church, need to reflect that depravity by claiming what we really are: Disgusting sinners, Poor in Spirit, yet LOVED and REDEEMED by God's grace alone. Every time we feel a need to perform, to "do" good, to earn His affections, to wear a mask, remind yourself - hiding behind perfection and not claiming our brokenness is disheartening, misleading to those that do not know the Lord. Embrace the broken pieces of your life, EMBRACE your depravity and sin, for they are reminders of how much we need God. Not religion, not a regimented lifestyle, but the Lord's love overflowing. We need to REFLECT Him - not our 'need' to do good.

To All Unbelievers, Seekers, Those turned away, Struck Down, Hurt and Beaten UP:
I cannot apologize enough for how much i have misrepresented God - in my judgement, in my stereotypes, in my feelings that i am better than some, in getting caught up in my own feelings of having to do good to earn His love. I am sorry. If you have been hurt, turned away by the church or beaten down by someone proclaiming the Lord's name, I beg you, do not give up. Do not build walls up, hoping to defend yourself from a God that loves with unfathomable greatness, to a God that knows you and has loved you and will NEVER fail you or forsake you, even if you have turned away from Him.

The so-called church? The Body of Christ? We are absolute hypocrites. We live like we have it all under control, like we've done something that sets us apart from you. But you want the truth? We are broken, we are disgusting, we have sinned and messed up and failed. Please, do not let the church and our own...humanness turn you away from knowing the Greatest Love of All. Because here's the truth - we are all the same. This body is imperfect and has failed countless times. The only thing that's different, is that we have chosen to know and seek Jesus Christ and accept Him as our Lord and Savior. We have made a choice, that despite our brokenness and our pain and our imperfections and sin, we choose to trust in and follow after God. And this God is what sets us apart! Why? Because He forgives. He loves perfectly - God is LOVE. He accepts us right where we're at. Do you believe it? You better.

Absolutely NOTHING can EVER separate us from God's love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow - not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below - indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord. - Romans 8:38-39

Please, do not allow the imperfections of the church as a body of believers to turn you away from the Greatest and PERFECT Love, our Good & Merciful God and and the everlasting life we find in Jesus Christ.

If you do not know the Lord as your Savior, all you have to do is ask Him:

Lord Jesus, forgive me for all of my sins. I believe that You died on the cross, and You were buried and on the third day, God the Father raised You from the dead. Right now I open the door to my heart and I receive You into my heart as my Lord and Savior. Thank you for saving me. Amen.

Here's the catch: once we invite Jesus into our lives, our lives are not all about rainbows and sunshine and complete happiness. In fact, we may face more trials and persecution. But it is worth it. He is worth it. We must lose this life to gain a far greater one. As followers of Christ, when we encounter hard times - divorce, financial problems, confusion, hurt, heartbreak, cancer, disease, death, etc. - we know that nothing is greater than God. Nothing is too big for Him to handle. He will use all things for our good, He holds all things in His hands. He loves us and He has promised us eternal life with Him, in heaven.

To All That are Reading:
I'd like to end this post with an excerpt from one of my favorite books. I encourage you to check it out - The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning. If you have any questions, feel free to contact me. I may not be able to answer them, i may not be completely 100% knowledgeable about the bible or theologies, but i have tasted the goodness and perfect love of the Lord and caught glimpses of His glory and redemption. Ask someone, seek encouragement, find a church - keeping all of our imperfections in mind. Regardless of your decision, know the Lord loves you. No, it's not cliche, because we all forget it time and time again. He loves us. HE LOVES US. He loves you. Right there, as you are.

Hyperbole, bloated rhetoric, and grandiose testimonies create the impression that once Jesus is acknowledged as Lord, the Christian life becomes a picnic on a green lawn - marriage blossoms into connubial bliss, physical health flourishes, acne disappears, and sinking careers suddenly soar...The New Testament depicts another picture of the victorious life [we have in Christ]: Jesus on Calvary. The biblical image of the victorious life reads more like the victorious limp. Jesus was victorious not because he never flinched, talked back, or questioned; but having flinched, talked back, and questioned, He remained faithful.
What makes authentic disciples is not visions, ecstasies, biblical mastery of chapter and verse, or spectacular success in the ministry, but a capacity for faithfulness...After life has lined their faces a little, many followers of Jesus come into a coherent sense of themselves for the first time. When they modestly claim, "I am still a ragamuffin, but i'm different," they are right. Where sin abounded, grace has more abounded. - Manning [Ruthless Trust, 181-182].

We need God. We have all sinned and all fall short. But He loves us, right where we're at, where we've been, despite what's to come and how many times we turn away from Him. He forgives, He redeems, He renews, He revives. He conquers, He reigns, He loves loves LOVES something fierce. So let's fling off the masks and facades that we have it all under control. Let's tear down walls of hurt and run to Him, as imperfect and broken human beings SO in need of a Savior.

Check it:

"Healthy people don't need a doctor - sick people do..For i have come to call not those who think they are righteous, but those who KNOW they are sinners." - Matthew 9:12,13

Bedtime Stories

2010-08-25T22:37:00.001-07:00

As i sit propped up in bed and reflect on all that has happened in the past...week ALONE, i am so very grateful for the blessings and the Lord's faithfulness. On a more materialistic note, i am now a proud owner of a 2005 black Honda Civic Coupe - a belated college graduation present from my parents. I am elated, it's a beautiful car :) And thus began the search for the perfect name. It couldn't be just any silly name, it had to be THE name. (Yes, yes, i know, all of this for a car - can you imagine the naming process if/when i have kids?!) So, i searched high and low, browsed through baby name websites, glanced through countless meanings and various languages. After browsing through Song of Songs today before actually deciding on a name, i stumbled across one of my favorite verses:

Like the finest apple tree in the orchard is my lover among other young men. I sit in his delightful shade and taste his delicious fruit -Song of Songs 2:3

A word in Hebrew meaning shade/shadow is Tsila . Shade = black. My beloved brings shade, He brings refuge as we rest in Him. So, my black beauty of a car is named Tsila - Tilly for short - as a reminder of the Lord's presence. Is this silly? I feel a little silly putting so much thought into a name for a car...but thus is the result of overflowing excitement i have a hard time containing :).

And now, the bedtime story. Settle in, get comfortable, turn on relaxing music. I have learned from a Children's Literature course and throughout life that good stories have a moral and/or wholesome message woven into the plot. So be prepared.

****

Once upon a time, there were four friends who set out to climb to the tallest point in all of the land. They had set their gazes high and their hopes even higher. What was a mere seven miles through delightfully cool forests, past flowing streams and placid lakes? That mountaintop experience, that feeling of ecstasy in reaching the top, the view that awaited them was so highly anticipated and totally worth the trek.

So they set off - wandering through the dirt trail into the dense forest. Soon, the dirt-packed trail became narrower, barely wide enough for two to pass through walking side by side. Still further into the journey, large boulders and knotted tree roots covered the trail. The four passed through bogs on creaking, wooden planks, their minds focused on the view awaiting them.

After an hour or so into the pilgrimage, one of the hikers began to wonder how much longer it would take to get to the tippy top. She began to feel discouraged, as the trail seemed to be leading them lower and lower, rather than to the glorious peak. The impatient and weary hiker began to ask those that passed by, on their way down from the peak, "How much further?" Rather than feeling encouraged, she began to feel frustrated at the mixed responses: "Oh, you're not far. Keep going" and "You've got quite a ways to go" and "about 300 yards" and "about 1,000 yards, and a steep climb left" and "You're not even close to the top". Though she knew she was well on her way to the glorious site on that mountain top, she was burdened by the need to ask questions and the reception of inconsistent responses.
Kim, one of the four friends, led the way. She was a weathered veteran and had climbed to the tops of many high places. She kept her eyes focused on the path ahead, and encouraged her discouraged friend to keep moving and stop asking questions.

Allison, the third friend, brought comic relief and a breath of fresh air. Though silent for most of the journey, (as she contemplated the mounds of rocks she had to climb over and the surging rivers in front of her in her own life) Allison only allowed kind and encouraging words to escape from her mouth. She made her discouraged friend laugh, as they relieved themselves in the forest and scared passer-byers.
Cassie, the fourth friend, would break out in laughter at the most random things. Joy flowed from her, as she brought up the rear. Her steps were careful, her strides were thought out, as she focused on finding firm footings and the path that lay ahead.
And finally, the four friends reached the hardest part of the trail - the side of the mountain. The trail went from horizontal to a strictly vertical climb. As the four friends heaved and stopped to catch their breath occasionally, the discouraged climber became frustrated: "How much FURTHER?!" she said, short of breath.

Before any of her friends could answer, the four noticed a clearing. They stopped in their tracks, for they knew, they had FINALLY reached the mountain top. The highest place in all the land provided a view of the valley below - the treetops miles below them, meshing together, the rivers and lakes nestled in between. The view alone brought sheer ecstasy and excitement, as the weary travelers realized their journey was more than worth it. Every rock, every bump, every frustration or river that needed to be crossed made the view even more delightful. And so, the four friends soaked up this glorious view and found sweet rest.

THE END

The Sovereign Lord is my strength!
He makes me as surefooted as a deer,
able to tread upon the heights.
-Habakkuk 3:19

His Glory Appears

2010-08-15T22:59:00.000-07:00

"Who is like you among the gods,
O Lord -
majestic in holiness,
awesome in glory,
working wonders?"
-Exodus 15:11

This heart is soaring, in wild abandonment and crazy joy, as the Lord's glory has been so thick, lately. Something in me is different. Something has shifted, something has been rearranged, rewired...reawakened. It seems as though this change of heart and sudden joy has crept up on me, unexpectedly. Like the formation of a river, i know this reawakening has taken time - while glimpses of hope and the Lord's work were seen every once in awhile, i felt like my heart was dormant and doomed in the darkness. And yet, the Lord is so incredibly faithful. His light has shattered that darkness; His presence provided abounding joy.

The season of looking inward has long been gone; rather the Lord prompting me to look outward has opened my eyes to the magnificent glories that surround me; He is SO at work in this fallen world. When we marvel at how the Lord is working in others' lives, when we wonder (and sometimes envy, as is only human) how this person can be so close to God, how blessed this other person is that they can sense the Lord's presence, rest assured the Lord is at work in this person's life, and this other person is sharing in His glories, i think we're missing something. Sometimes, all it takes is opening our eyes - letting scales fall off, shedding disbelief and doubt like winter jackets, wiping away the sleep from our eyes, breaking through self-absorption or self-wallowing - to see that the Lord is truly at work in our lives, too. Sometimes, sharing and witnessing the Lord's glories takes patience - You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory - Psalm 73:24. We may have to journey through a season of despair, grief and loss or enter into a desolate and lonely period where the Lord appears absent or unresponsive. But trust, in times that require great patience and heart, His glory WILL appear.

His glory is so apparent at times - on mission trips, in worship/church service, in Bible studies, etc. -when we are tapped in or pressing in to Him. In the mundane routine, the day to day life, we tend to overlook, ignore and forget to acknowledge and look for the Lord's glories. He is always at work, even if we are not aware.

***

I had sat down at the computer tonight to write about camp, the humility of feet washing, the remarkable beauty of new life or the sweetness of divine appointments...yet this is what the Lord has laid on my heart. Whether or not i feel led to write about these topics in the days to come, they all point to God's glory. His ways are perfect, His love is magnificent, His mercies are humbling. The life He gives, His creations, redemption, revival, babies, new beginnings, forgiveness, service, solitude, laughter, divine appointments - all of these are reflections of His glory. GLORY - this is the word that Has been laid on my heart, affirmed by a divine appointment at work today. Glory, glory, glory. All to the Lord. Do you sense it? Do you see it? If not, what is He asking? That you allow Him to open your eyes? That you remain steadfast in Him and have patience?

Glory, Lord. May we see Your glorious presence, your workings around us and within us, as we seek You more and praise You all the days of our lives.

1 Even the wilderness and desert will be glad in those days.
The wasteland will rejoice and blossom with spring crocuses.
2 Yes, there will be an abundance of flowers
and singing and joy!
The deserts will become as green as the mountains of Lebanon,
as lovely as Mount Carmel or the plain of Sharon.
There the Lord will display his glory,
the splendor of our God.
3 With this news, strengthen those who have tired hands,
and encourage those who have weak knees.
4 Say to those with fearful hearts,
“Be strong, and do not fear,
for your God is coming to destroy your enemies.
He is coming to save you.”
5 And when he comes, he will open the eyes of the blind
and unplug the ears of the deaf..
-Isaiah 35:4-5

Be exalted, O God, above the heavens; let your glory be over all the earth.
-Psalm 57:11

Songs to Check Out:
-Show Me Your Glory: Jesus Culture
-His Glory Appears: Hillsong
-Glory of it All: David Crowder Band

Pedestals

2010-08-11T20:41:00.000-07:00

Do you have something/someone you have kept on a pedestal? I'm not talking about someone you admire, appreciate or look up to; rather, someone you hold higher than necessary. I'm referring to someone/something you've built up to be something great, to a point where you are blinded by their imperfections, flaws, inconsistencies, their humanness? Whether you've put money, a parent, a friend, a career, a relationship, a significant other, a boy/girl, a mentor, a celebrity, a car, a clothing item, etc. - i pray that we allow the Lord to absolutely annihilate anything we have on a pedestal other than Him.

In a matter of 24 hours, i have been convicted of keeping someone on a pedestal. And in the same 24 hours, after God has fully opened my eyes to how i act, how i've compensated for and reacted in the shadow of that pedestal, i am floored. I have made up countless excuses, i have defended their actions and behaviors until my last breath, i have allowed myself to be stomped on and taken advantage of. In the past, i've felt a need to impress, to reach out and interact with this particular person, to be swept off my feet and focus strictly on the beauties this person holds. After realizing that the past however many months have been lived underneath this pedestal, i was finally finally able to release it - to allow it to come crashing down. I have finally had enough. Today, i went through so many emotions - sorrow, a feeling of liberation, anger, injustice...quite the roller coaster, let me tell you. Yet a necessary roller coaster, that has allowed me to purge and gain clarity on the situation.

Whatever we hold high, whatever we build pedestals for, we serve and worship, in a sense. People/things/possessions/relationships - whatever it is, if it is on a pedestal it is an idol. Sometimes, we unknowingly place things on pedestals. We think we are serving the Lord, but there are times we may realize there is something else we are holding in high regard, in a place it does not belong. I urge you, dear friends, to examine your lives. Ask the Lord to test your heart - what, if anything, am i putting on a pedestal? What am i serving, besides God? What exerts power over me, who do i try to impress, what possessions do i idolize? What person - their reactions, responses, the things they say, the advice they give - do i allow to control me? When we allow God to convict us, it is then He is able to break down pedestals, and we may turn our gaze fully back to Him. When we keep the place we hold people/things in check, we are able to be released from a need to serve anyone/thing other than God.

Trust me, when you try to serve someone or live in the shadow and the control of what you have placed on a pedestal, you will be let down. You will be living a life in bondage. The Lord is the ONLY good and perfect One, the ONLY constant, the ONLY one that will NEVER fail or forsake us. It is Him we should serve, with EVERYTHING we have. It is under His shadow, under His power and faithfulness that we should live. It is bowing in adoration, falling facedown at His feet that we should resort to.

Lord, shake up our worlds. Tear down any pedestal we may have constructed and let us worship You alone.

Late Night Musings

2010-08-10T10:35:00.000-07:00

I spent yesterday evening with two of my best friends - Kim and Allison, and Ally's family. We made a veggie pizza and a huge cookie and just hung out before Al headed off to Las Vegas on a family trip. Surprisingly, i got home by 11 and tried to go straight to bed. It didn't work. I turned off the lights, only to turn them on a few minutes later, feeling a need to read my book and turn to scripture. Those nights when you're so exhausted and just want to sleep and you can't are definitely frustrating - when your mind keeps racing, or you're too hot/cold to fall asleep, etc. But last night was different. After reading for a while, i ended up listening to some Shane and Shane and dozed off eventually, in the early hours of the morning. I woke up again at 5:30 am and was alert. My eyes were exhausted, but i could not rest. I felt awake and a need to press into God. I don't know what's different about today, or why i was so restless last night, but it's definitely the Lord working on my heart.

As a lover of reading and writing, i am so blown away when the Lord speaks directly into my situation through a passage, a book, an excerpt. In this situation, late late at night, not knowing what God wanted or what to pray for, i read a beautiful reminder about prayer. While this spoke to my heart and affirmed different ways to pray and dwell in the Lord, it also reminded me of the difficulty and fears we have in learning HOW to pray. Some of my lovely middle schoolers and high schoolers are apprehensive about praying out loud and often claim they don't know how. While i was reminded of some of them in particular, i think this is an issue people have in many other walks of life, as well. We need to affirm and encourage each other regarding the beauty and intimacy of, and the inability to mess up prayer. God just wants us to do it - to commune with Him, spend time with Him, behold Him, however that may look. Let me share this passage with you:

Prayer is another area that many struggle with because they aren't aware that in the freedom of the Spirit there are as many ways of praying as there are individual believers. The cardinal rule in prayer remains the dictum of Don Chapman: "Pray as you can; don't pray as you can't".... A little child cannot do a bad coloring; nor can a child of God do bad prayer.

A father is delighted when his little one, leaving off her toys and friends, runs to him and climbs into his arms. As he holds his little one close to him, he cares little whether the child is looking around, her attention is flitting from one thing to another, or just settling down to sleep. Essentially the child is choosing to be with her father, confident of the love, the care, the security that is hers in those arms. Our prayer is much like that. We settle down in our Father's arms, in His loving hands. Our mind, our thoughts, our imagination may flit about here and there; we might even fall asleep; but essentially we are choosing for this time to remain intimately with our Father, giving ourselves to Him, receiving his love and care, letting him enjoy us as he will. It is very simple prayer. It is very childlike prayer. It is prayer that opens us out to all the delights of the kingdom
-The Ragamuffin Gospel, Brennan Manning (p 155-156)

Prayer is communion with our Creator, our all loving and merciful Lord. In prayer, He may reveal something to us, He may do a working in our hearts that is unseen or undetected by us, He may answer a prayer. Whatever the outcome, we are spending time with our Lord and Savior.

To end, listen to this song. I can't get enough of it (ignore the video) :) Have a blessed day.

El Salvador Part 3: There is God

2010-08-08T10:38:00.000-07:00

Almost three weeks after our return, I feel as though my heart is ready to reflect on just a portion of God's movement in our trip. It is Sunday - a day of rest, and i am just beginning to understand the importance of responding to the Lord's call to put aside a Sabbath day.

On this unforgettable journey, the Lord revealed Himself on so many levels. As a team, we grew closer as the trip progressed. We cast aside any differences or fears, we were open with where we were at and we allowed God to move in our hearts - to soften them, break them and use them as He willed. Watching each one of the students and fellow leaders pursue Him and enter into the school/orphanage assemblies with passion and joy, to reach out to those God placed in our paths - despite the language barrier was SO humbling. One of my most favorite memories in watching the Lord work in our team was the prayer night the fifteen of us women entered into. Day 3 of the trip (the second day in El Salvador), the power went out as a storm rolled in; the girls were making bracelets as usual and winding down for the evening. Surely the power outage was God-ordained - we felt an urgency and calling to press into Him - to pray for unity, personal healing and the preparation for the hearts of those around us. Oh my goodness, did GOD MOVE! What seemed like a half hour turned into FOUR solid hours of prayer. Some of the girls were baptized in the Holy Spirit - God was totally at work. Walls came down, prayers were answered. One woman prayed out loud for a friend, as her fears and feeling of inability were broken. One woman received a clear response and instruction of what to do in a situation that had been weighing heavy on her heart. Probably three hours into the prayer session, I felt God calling me to sit in silence and BEHOLD. At first i felt confused why i couldn't pray anymore - it seemed like i was taking a backseat and succumbing to my exhaustion. And yet, the Lord comforted me as I felt His presence so strongly in taking in the sight. The girls, these beautiful women of Christ, were singing to the Lord - praising Him in beautiful harmony, gathered around each other in UNITY. I didn't need to be part of the prayer for God to move - how HUMBLING and BEAUTIFUL to sit in reverie and watch how He moved.

As the team bonded and witnessed the wonderful power of God, there He was at work in Guatemala and El Salvador (as He always has been). In the schools and orphanages, there He is - in the smiles of each child, in the laughter, in the tears. He reigns over EVERY situation. In the game of softball we had the opportunity to play with some El Salvador women, there He was. In poverty, in riches, in pain, in joy, there He is. To see the Lord move, to see His power and presence at work in these beautiful countries was astounding. It was SUCH a joy to witness His workings for ten days.

Part of the school assemblies involved putting on a human video to the song Everything by Lifehouse. The song is hauntingly beautiful, and when paired with a skit that portrays the Lord's redeeming love and His mighty hand even through our addictions and distractions - to sex, alcohol, money, drugs, depression, suicide, etc. He is beckoning for us to return to Him, He redeems, He forgives, He transforms ashes into beauty. The students performed this skit more than a dozen times - and each time i was reminded of our amazing Savior. It was neat to see the students' faces - the big eyes and gaping mouths, standing in awe of the message of salvation :)

Another place we saw God move was on our way from the base camp in Guatemala to El Salvador. As the countries are in the middle of their rainy season, it torrential downpoured the majority of the drive. When we came to a bridge we needed to cross in order to get to El Salvador, we found out it had collapsed a month ago. So we took an alternative route - through a muddy field and side of a hill, already slippery and worn down from so much use. The river was raging. We had to cross a part of it to get to the makeshift series of bridges. Let me tell you, these bridges were barely big enough for one vehicle to pass - they were constructed on tiny spots of land amongst the raging river. As we tried to cross, we ended up reaching a traffic jam. Since the bridge was only big enough for one car to cross, traffic coming from both directions created a standstill. And we were at the front, stuck on one of the bridges. When confronted by the traffic coming from the other direction, Jonathan refused to move - we couldn't, as cars were lined up behind us and unable to turn around. The men coming from the other direction flashed their handguns, but Jonathan (our missionary) still refused to move. Jackie, one of our team leaders felt the urgency to pray. So, in our fear, we cried out to God, asked Him to reign over the situation. Within seconds of us finishing the prayer, the oncoming traffic started to back up. And somehow - all the glory to God - we made it over the bridge and into El Salvador. GOD IS GOOD. I turned to the Psalms for comfort and just "happened" to come across this one:

The clouds poured out water;
the skies gave forth thunder;
your arrows flashed on every side.
The crash of your thunder was in the whirlwind;
your lightnings lighted up the world;
the earth trembled and shook.
Your way was through the sea,
your path through the great waters;
yet your footprints were unseen.
-Psalm 77:17-19

How amazing is that?! God brought us to the great waters - His way was through this raging river. We needed to rely on His power and trust in His presence in a situation totally out of our control. He had a way and a plan for us in El Salvador, and while His footprints were unseen, He LED US. I was reminding that the Lord brings us through and into situations that are much too big for us so that we may cry out to Him and surrender, so that He may work.

Finally, on a more personal note, there is God in our individual experiences. He speaks to us on a personal level. In our last orphanage visit, we spent time loving on the kids in a Special Needs orphanage in Antigua. Here, the Lord affirmed my God given passion for kids. Simply saying their names would make the kids light up and smile. A simple touch, a simple outreach spoke of the Lord's love. Whether the Lord leads me into an elementary school/middle school/ different country/ ministry, I trust He will prepare me and give me the passions. All for His glory.
I am still in awe of how the Lord has proved that HE IS FAITHFUL, and that He truly does work everything together for our good (Romans 8:28). While I have struggled amidst a season of darkness over the past year, God has given me a testimony. God has used my scars, my wounds, my grievances to show His power and His redemption. I lost a love, only to find out more of the Lord's eternal love. I gave into temptations, to lust. And while it tore apart a relationship, it has given me stories and grounds to relate to other young women in similar situations. I now KNOW the necessity of keeping the Lord the center of all relationships, i now KNOW i am forgiven and renewed. I have seen God work through my past struggles to give me a testimony. And there are a few girls in particular that God allowed me to relate to, reach out to and bond with. The thought - that my pains, my struggles, my story of lost love bringing others to see the beautiful redemption of the Lord, His faithfulness, power and works - brings me to my knees. God is faithful. GOD. IS. FAITHFUL.

I have seen prayers answered. I have seen God's workings in my heart and the hearts of others - even back here in Lakeville.
While the team was able to take part in the Lord's movings in Guatemala and El Salvador for a brief period of time, the Lord is still at work. He was, He is and always will be present, active and reigning. And He is good. In every season, in every circumstance, there is God.

El Salvador Part 2: Beauty in Simplicity

2010-08-03T08:55:00.001-07:00

Our world is saturated with grace, and the lurking presence of God is revealed not only in spirit but in matter - in a deer leaping across a meadow, in the flight of an eagle, in fire and water, in a rainbow after a summer storm, in a gentle doe streaking through a forest, in Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, in a child licking a chocolate ice cream cone, in a woman with windblown hair. God intended for us to discover His loving presence in the world around us - Brennan Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel (p 91)

Truly, there is beauty in the simple things. When life isn't crowded by stuff, when we live in each day and focus solely on the present moment - simplicity. Something that really struck me in Guatemala and El Salvador was how different the act of living seemed. It was more laid back, less constricted by time and appointments. That could just be what i experienced, but i will say that life in these countries was totally different from life here in the US.

Simplicity is beautiful. As a photographer, photos that are simple in content, yet so brilliantly constructed are my absolute favorites. As a follower of Christ, i am floored when the Lord uses the simplest of concepts, the simplest of events or parts of nature (that are complex) to speak to us. When our hearts are softened by a child's laughter - as happened for so many of us at the schools and orphanages we visited - when a simple meal is widely celebrated and appreciated, when you catch a glimpse of the Lord's power and majesty in the crashing waves or the view outside an airplane window. Simplicity.

This revelation, this renewed appreciation for simplicity has been tugging on my heart. To bring simplicity into my crazy, busy (yet fun) schedule, to realize how much consumerism and a need to complicate my life with STUFF has a grip on me. Thank you, Lord. I love how our complex, multifaceted, HUGE God reveals Himself in the simplest of ways, in the simple things at times, so that our tiny human minds can catch sweet glimpses of who He is.

Let me close with a quote from a book i'm reading (I LOVE READING, just putting that out there):
The deeper we grow in the Spirit of Jesus Christ, the poorer we become - the more we realize that everything in life is a gift. The tenor of our lives becomes one of humble and joyful thanksgiving. Awareness of our poverty and ineptitude causes us to rejoice in the gift of being called out of darkness into wondrous light and translated into the kingdom of God's beloved Son.
-Brennan Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel (p 81)

It's simply really, and humbling. God sent His son to die for us - to take on ALL of our sins, to redeem us. His blood has set us free, free to choose a relationship with Him or not. His longing for us is simple - that we may trust Him with our lives, lay our lives at His feet and take up our cross. His love, while complex and deep and wide and HUGE, is simple because it's unconditional. It's forever. Embrace simplicity.

Also, check out my dear friend Brie Peters' blog - living in the moment. I had the privilege to help lead the mission trip with her and grow in relationship with this amazing woman so passionate for the Lord. Her blog is insightful and beautiful, and i know she has so much of her own to say about this trip. :)

Simplicity. May God give us wonderment, open eyes to detect and embrace simplicity.

El Salvador Part 1: There is Need

2010-07-31T19:09:00.000-07:00

Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience... And above all these put on love which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful - Colossians 3:12-15

Ten days ago, i returned to the United States, after spending 10 days in El Salvador and Guatemala. I'm frustrated that i've allowed a busy lifestyle to keep me from seriously reflecting about all the Lord revealed on this trip. Or perhaps in this reflecting of the trip, He's seriously continued to teach me just how much need there is - for Him, in any and all that we do.

Upon first arriving in Guatemala and El Salvador, my 'American', white, middle class perspective instantly detected how much need exists in the two countries. Homes are made of cement, concrete, tin, whatever is available; yards fenced in with jagged sticks and scraps. The bright paint on the majority of homes has become dull - worn, chipped, corroded, unkept. Some of the dirt roads are more like rocky, muddy and uneven terrain, simply used as a road because they've been worn down and used so much. There are stray dogs everywhere, mangy and emaciated - a look of hunger and closeness to death gleaming in their eyes. The plumbing systems are unable to break down toilet paper, bridges aren't exactly the safest, drinking the water is NOT recommended, Burger Kings and McDonalds are patrolled by armed security guards. Clearly, there is need. There is need.

As i stared out the window of the van, heading to El Salvador, God truly revealed something to me. I watched the torrential downpour turn roads into sloppy messes. Safe and dry in the van, we passed families forced to evacuate their houses, as they started to flood. I kept thinking - there is NEED. THERE IS NEED. So much need here. It disgusted me. I become outraged as i began to pray and ask God how it could be so. Why am i so blessed to live in the safety and security of the United States, comfortably in a middle class family?! How unfair. I have too many clothes to count, i am educated, i have a car. I have everything i need and then some. And yet, here in the United States, there is still need. Our society is selfish and highly individualized. Money = success. We do not allow ourselves to be seen as weak or to admit our faults and failures, strength is coveted. We wear masks to conceal our biggest pains, fears, hurts and true state of being. We buy more than we can afford. We are highly consumed and caught up in commercialism. This is our need.

And while the need in El Salvador and Guatemala is more apparent in different ways, especially with the mentality and mindset of a United States citizen, God revealed to me that there is need everywhere. This is the condition of this fallen world. But in our need - whether it's poverty that grips us, addictions, obsessions, hurts, scars, wounds, pain, etc. - we realize our need for something MORE. Something NOT of this world. Someone bigger than ourselves, bigger than the pains and poverty. We need Jesus. Whether we live in Guatemala, El Salvador, Africa, the US, or any other nation, we need Jesus. Once we admit that we are absolutely nothing, that we are completely depraved without Him, can He truly meet our needs. In reaching out to our brothers and sisters in poverty and different parts of the world, may the Lord soften our hearts as well, and identify our own need for and necessary reliance on Him. May we reach out to those in poverty - not because we are better or greater, but because we have been blessed immensely and are called to share the wealth and resources.

There is need. There always will be, until Jesus comes back. May the Lord reveal our own need for Him. May we respond to His calling and humble ourselves before Him. May the needs of this world not hinder us, cripple us or bring us to an apathetic state, but open our eyes and RESPOND. Bring revival, God. Bring a further reliance on YOU.

Give me neither poverty nor riches; feed me with the food that is needful for me, lest i be full and deny you and say, "Who is the Lord?" Proverbs 30:8 My prayer is that the Lord changes my heart, to truly be more than satisfied with not being rich and not being poor. I want to be at a place where i rely on Him always, where i recognize my need for Him in any state of life.

"I see the cloud i stand in,
i want to see your glory as Moses did.
Flashes of light, rolls of thunder,
i'm not afraid. i'm not afraid.

Show me Your glory, show me Your glory.

I'm awed by Your beauty,
lost in Your eyes,
I want to walk in Your glory like Jesus did.
Your glory surrounds me,
i'm overwhelmed"
-Jesus Culture

Addictions and El Salvador

2010-07-23T11:46:00.000-07:00

The team has returned from Guatemala and El Salvador. Wow, what a trip. The Lord is astounding and powerful and faithful. His works and ways are perfect. As i was on the trip and dwelling on all that the Lord was revealing, i felt called to write about experiences that fall into three parts and plan on blogging them during the next week:

Part 1: There is Need
Part 2: Beauty in Simplicity
Part 3: There is God

I was so blessed to meet so many amazing people on this trip, to bond with the team and see the Lord's hand. Being the photography lover i am, i took over 1,000 photos and can't wait to include them in the next few blogs! Keep checking in - they'll be up soon :)

For now, I'll keep this short and sweet, as God is still revealing so much, post-mission trip. Some call it culture shock. Already, I am so shocked at how consumerism, commercialism and a need to have so much STUFF grips America. I'm addicted to shopping. Yes, I only bargain shop, but i get suckered in to buying so much STUFF. Clothes, mostly. It seems as though our addictions are most apparent and most tempting when we're under stress or pressure, or our emotions are out of whack. Isn't that crazy? That's when the Lord wants our hearts and attention MOST - when we are vulnerable and feel the weight of the world and need His sweet love and mercy. So why, why do we turn to our addictions to temporarily satisfy us? I feel called to give up clothes shopping for a year. 365 days. That seems impossible - especially for me!! But i fully believe i can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. It will be a battle, that's for sure - no shirts, no pants, no jeans, no accessories, no SHOES, no NOTHING. Nothing for 365 days. Until July 24,2011. Christ Jesus, give me strength. Give me Your heart, an ability to see the need in this world. A desire and thirst for You that cannot be quenched by consumerism or any other addiction.

Busyness, Beauty Pageants and El Salvador

2010-07-11T09:02:00.000-07:00

"For i know the plans i have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope..." Jeremiah 29:11

Last summer, my 'plans' did not include being a part of the Miss Lakeville Scholarship Pageant. Last summer, i never would've seen myself heading to El Salvador. Last summer, I had NO idea of the Lord's plans for me - to grow me and mature me. And though yes, it was and has been an excruciatingly painful journey, there have been sweet moments and beacons of hope, pointing to the Lord's promise. I would not, i could not, exchange the pain and loss and pruning of my heart for the relationship i now have with the Lord. Though sometimes i struggle in choosing the Lord's will over my own, He is constant, He is worth it, His will is always good and righteous.

So, in a super brief summary, my life has been CRAZY! I love the go go go, but i also have felt a lack of God-time impact my heart and i am thirsting for more of Him. Let's see...busyness. I've been keeping busy with TONS of photography editing, some wedding shoots, engagement shoots, BABY shoots - thank you God, for the opportunities :). I have also been working to complete my last online class before i technically 'graduate'. I've been trying to see as many amazing people and spend time with them. Spending time with family, preparing for El Salvador, working at Applebees and Data Entry and most recently, being crazy busy with Miss Lakeville stuff. Which brings me to my second point - Beauty Pageants. I have been blessed to spend time with 10 amazing women as we have practiced and prepared for the Miss Lakeville scholarship program. The pageant was on Wednesday night! It all went so fast. The highlight for me was praying with all the contestants before the show went on, giving God all the glory. It's so easy to get caught up in ourselves, i feel, especially in a pageant. And the Lord deserves all the glory and honor. As the pageant went on, thank you God - i was not nervous! I can truly say, trusting in Him with the outcome helped relieve that nervousness. And wow, i was honored to receive Miss Congeniality and First Princess, runner up to the beautiful Miss Lakeville - Jenna Diercks. I love all the women that competed, they have such beautiful hearts and a variety of passions. And i look forward to spending the next year with Tiffany Payne and Jenna as we are ambassadors of Lakeville - what!? Crazy title, huh?! Haha. Yesterday was crazy busy with the parade and all the Pan O Prog events. Today is the Appreciation Picnic and then it's time to pack for El Salvador.

Mmm, El Salvador. I have the amazing opportunity to help lead, along with Brie Peters, Nathan Lyke and Jackie Koch a group of 17 wonderful high schoolers on a 10 day mission trip! We leave TOMORROW at 3:30 in the MORNING! Can you believe it?! It has come so fast!!! We'll be traveling through parts of Guatemala and El Salvador and visiting orphanages, performing skits we've prepared, and just reaching out to people and sharing the love of the Lord and the Good news. I can not wait. I would be more than thankful if you would pray for the team - for the Good News to be heard and accepted, for the hearts and lives of those in El Salvador and Guatemala, for healings, for miracles, for safety and health, for unity. Thank you, SO MUCH. This missionary's heart is SO excited to see God move.

So, until July 21, I will be in El Salvador. And in this busy, joyful season, I have learned the importance of making time to spend with the Lord. It is necessary - for peace and for our heart to remain steadfast in Him. Do you feel that thirst? That unsatiable desire and need to spend time in Him? BEHOLDING Him? It is truly what we all need more of. What's been going on in your life? What has the Lord been revealing? I would LOVE to hear about it!

*Ignore the cheesy music video, this song is AMAZING.

Naked Faces: Makeup Fast Reflection

2010-07-06T21:59:00.000-07:00

This is a reflection, in response to a previous blog post and challenge: One Week: No Makeup.

I went five days without makeup. Truth be told, i felt ashamed of a naked face at times - less put together, less...beautiful. At the same time, being free from the bondages of makeup was liberating! There was no need to check my face to ensure my makeup hadn't run, no need to touch up, no chance to hide behind a mask that covers my flaws.

As i have prayed about this follow up post, i can't shake the thought that our obsession with makeup and appearance is directly related to the Fall. In the beginning, Eve was not ashamed of her nakedness - which had to include a natural, naked face - as she dwelled in the presence of God and walked alongside Him. So when [Eve] saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was to be desired to make one wise, she took its fruit and ate...then the eyes of [Adam and Eve] were open and they knew that they were naked. And they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loincloths - Genesis 3:6-7 Eating from the Tree of Knowledge went directly against God and, from the received knowledge, made us ashamed of our nakedness. I think it is safe to say that here, an obsession with beauty and a craving to be perceived as such, entered the lives of all women. With shame came a need to cover ourselves - and makeup does just that.

So, my next step? I truly admire women that have chosen to live their day-to-day life makeup free. For now, i feel that God prompted this fast as a rude awakening and to instill an awareness of just how pressing the need to be beautiful is for the majority of women. For now, i will continue to wear makeup on most days. While there isn't a perceived lifestyle change, there is definitely a change in mindset and heart. I will not be ashamed to walk out of the house without makeup. I will not allow makeup to define me, to rule over my heart and be directly associated with beauty. Every time i put on makeup, it will be necessary to examine my heart and question my intentions. There may be future times when the Lord calls me to give up makeup again. And, first and foremost, the true beauty that every woman holds comes from her spirit. As 1 Peter 3:4 reminds us, this beauty is not fleeting, it is not fading, nor perishable. This beauty is eternal, as our spirit is of the Lord - the one and only constant, the Creator of all things beautiful and good.

You have captivated my heart, my sister, my bride; you have captivated my heart with one glance of your eyes...how beautiful is your love, my sister my bride! How much better is your love than wine... - Song of Solomon 4:9-10 Our Bridegroom is enthralled by us, He is ravished by our beauty - what could be better than our CREATOR finding us simply stunning, just as we are? Do you believe it? I mean, do you truly trust that who we are in the Lord is where our true beauty comes from? We, sinning and imperfect, are beautifully redeemed, made beautiful in Him - beauty from ashes, life from His death. Not MAC, not Clinique, not Maybelline, nor any other makeup, not the clothes we wear, the jewelry, the tattoos, the...stuff we adorn ourselves in define us or make us any more beautiful. It is the Lord, and His love for us. Let our souls find rest in this, let our thirst for beauty be satiated in how the Creator looks at us. May we invest more time and concern in our relationship with the Lord than our outward appearance - that is my prayer in all of this.

I challenge each one of us to examine our hearts - do you truly know and TRUST HE has made us beautiful? A relationship with the Lord is the essence of beauty.

Take a look at these lovely women, embracing the natural, genuine beauty each of them possess. <3 Behold, you are beautiful, my love; behold you are beautiful; your eyes are doves. - Song of Solomon 1:15

{Captured Glory} Photography

2010-07-03T19:13:00.000-07:00

The Lord is faithful. And everything is in His time. While i had hopes of starting a photography business years ago, major life changes occurred and i reached a plateau, in a sense. Now, after new opportunities - clients that are understanding and willing to give an aspiring photographer a chance, and a newfound passion - my dream of having a side business of photography is becoming reality!
God has blessed me immensely with talented individuals who are willing to mentor me and share some of their secrets and skills. Check them out: Brianna Millet, my lovely spiritual mentor and an amazing photographer: Brianna Colleen Photography and Kiki D has offered to teach me some of her skills - i cannot wait to learn more about photoshop and getting photos just right from her: Little Feet Photography Plus my lovely, lovely friend Heather Wydeven, an amazing graphic and web designer, has offered to help me make and launch my website this summer! Check out HER stuff and definitely get in contact with her: Heather's site
So, i have much MUCH more to learn - i think photography is a passion you never stop growing in! There's always more to learn, areas to grow in, ways to take better pictures. But i think photography is beautiful in that you grow and learn through experience - as you put yourself out there and capture the world around you. My one goal in my photography career (can i say that?!) is that it glorifies God first and foremost. Any gig i get, anything i shoot, all the glory to Him. He gave me this passion, and it will remain fruitful and growing until He sees fit. Amen?

And so, the name: Captured Glory photography. Of all the sights, emotions, moments and scenes photographers capture, I feel like they point to one thing: God's glory and His astounding creations. The only thing photographers do, is capture His creations and make time stand still. Plus, CG Photography, for short are my initials. :)

I urge you to check out some of my dear friends and aspiring photographers, as well:
Mrs. Ria Thurston at Ri Photography
Miss Katelyn Bladel at Pieces of Zion Photography

The included photos are from my most recent weddings, engagement sessions and photo shoots :)

One Week: No Makeup

2010-06-29T18:58:00.000-07:00

I feel the pressures of social norms and the grip they have on my life. Since when are we unable to leave the house without putting makeup on - even if it's just a quick touch up with mascara and powder? Why do we feel the need to make ourselves up and put so much time into our appearance? Since when does make up and putting time into our appearance so directly effect our self esteem - why must it define us and hold this much control over our lives? Disgusting. I am not bashing people who wear make up - i enjoy getting dolled up just as much as any other girl. I also think make up can accentuate the natural beauty each of us posses. What i am bashing is the make up industry partnering with society's power to make us feel like we NEED make up. To associate so much beauty with stupid products. I'm upset that we, that i, as a woman have allowed myself to buy into the lie that i need makeup. So, i feel the Lord prompting me to fast - from any and all makeup whatsoever. Instead of spending time painting my face, I hope to invest this time and energy in the eternal hope and relationship i have with the Lord. Instead of checking my face and making sure my make up doesn't need touching up everytime i look in the mirror, i want to see beyond and rest assured knowing true beauty is not external.

Make up

Make up FREE! Day 1

Do not let your adorning be external - the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear - but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious - 1 Peter 3:4

May the condition of our hearts and the hearts of those God puts in our path be our priority - all the glory to God and not to us. May we truly understand the beauty of seeking the Lord and the IMPERISHABLE, EVERLASTING beauty each of us possess in the relationship we have with the Beloved. All of the lies we've come to believe as women - God, crush them. May we find our beauty in you. So, one week. Until next Tuesday; I will not wear makeup of any kind - chapstick is the only exception.

We Cry Out

2010-06-09T22:21:00.000-07:00

The righteous cry out and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. -Psalm 34:17

I worked at Applebees until late tonight. The whole drive home was a blur, since i was exhausted from a busy night at work. After flipping through radio stations, good old 91.5 came to my rescue with this song: Jesus Culture's We Cry Out. Simple lyrics, simple message, yet so so POWERFUL.

Oh Lord, we cry out, we've been lost
We need your mercies, O God.
We repent for our ways, and we turn to You again.

O Lord,we cry out, we've been lost
Change our hearts to YOURS, O God.
We repent for our sin, and we turn to You again.

O God, we cry out for Your mercy
O God, we cry out for Your grace
O God, we cry out, set us free
O God, we cry out, once again.

In those seasons and those days when we are weary and exhausted, the Lord brings restoration and REST. He delivers, sends a REVIVAL for our hearts and our souls. May we cry out to Him amongst any and all trials, joys and jubilee. Thank you Lord for your unfailing Love, for Your mercy and Your abounding grace that covers the entirety of our sins and unworthiness. Bring revival, God. Shake hearts of stone, make them beat in and for Your name once again. Bring passion. We cry out to you, Lord. It is all for You. We need You, oh how we need You.

Glory in his holy name;
let the hearts of those who seek the Lord rejoice!
Seek the Lord and his strength;
seek his presence continually!
Remember the wondrous works that he has done,
his miracles, and the judgments he uttered,
O offspring of Abraham, his servant,
children of Jacob, his chosen ones!
~Psalms 105:3-6

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
"The Lord is my portion," says my soul,
"therefore i will hope in him."
The Lord is good to those who wait for him,
to the soul who seeks him.
It is good that one should wait quietly
for the salvation of the Lord.
-Lamentations 3:22-27

ONE voice.

2010-06-06T17:12:00.000-07:00

'Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. For i was hungry and you gave me food, i was thirsty and you gave me drink, i was a stranger and you welcomed me, i was naked and you clothed me, i was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.' Then the righteous will answer him, saying, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you...?" And the King will answer them, "Truly, i say to you, as you did it to one of the least of my brothers, you did it to me." -Matthew 25:34-40

Who am i to have the security of living in safe suburbia? Who am i that i have the opportunity to receive a good education? Who am i that i have more than enough food to eat whenever, wherever, at my disposal? Not to mention clean water, medical services, shopping centers, parks, sidewalks, paved roads, cars, beaches, clean air, eye glasses, immunizations, and money.

And who would i be if i remained an ignorant, white woman who never looked beyond the safety and security of the community i was blessed beyond BELIEF to grow up in? Who would i be if i didn't share the resources, the blessings, the opportunities, the gifts I've received surely by God's grace alone? Who would i be if i didn't reach out, if i remained ill-informed and apathetic? Who would i be if i didn't use my one voice for the good and well being of others?

As i drove home from the Waite House today, all of these questions ran through my mind. I have been given an opportunity to be educated, to open my eyes and to serve others in my community - to hear about, witness and spread the news of others without the security i have. I tend to shy away from politics - i guess, in a sense, ignorance is bliss. But if i am ignorant, if i do not fight for what i believe is right, if my voice remains silent, ignorance is crippling. Is my faith enough? Surely, the answer is yes. My faith in a God who sent His beloved son to walk on this earth and touch the untouchable, reach out to those in need, feed the hungry, tend to the sick, RAISE PEOPLE FROM THE DEAD, welcome any and all - that is my God. That is Jesus Christ, my Lord, and my reason to fight. I went to a prayer vigil at the Ramsey County Prison this afternoon, and boy, was it powerful. To see others join together in this fight to partake in the most powerful, yet simple thing was astounding - the power of prayer! It was amazing to see strangers give my U of M classmates and i money to put towards our Food Shelf Drive for the Waite House - simply humbling.

Yes, immigration is a tough issue. I'm not saying i have all the answers or know of a solution to this tough topic. But what i am sure of, is the need to look beyond the title of "alien", "illegal immigrant", "latino" or "black" or "white" and see a human LIFE. There is a need to look past patriotism and love of country and begin to love on and serve others in NEED. There is a reason why so many risk their lives crossing dry deserts and deadly bodies of water in attempts to seek refuge in this country. Truly, this is not a threat but a cry of DESPERATION. And who are we to quickly point fingers at 'outsiders' as the root of our economic problems or current state? That is a truly ridiculous lie. As followers of Christ, are we not called to welcome strangers? Since when does patriotism come before our everlasting faith in our everlasting King? There must be a better solution, than to violently turn foreigners away; than to have the right to demand proof of citizenship from anyone that appears "foreign", for this is truly racial profiling. There must be a better way to approach those held in detention centers by refusing them food/drink, a clean place to stay and taking all their belongings. There MUST be a better way. And it may involve reaching beyond the boarder to the root of the problem.

In the choice between patriotism and humanity, can the well being of human lives be compromised for love of country? Certainly not. "A man may have to die for our country: but no man must, in any exclusive sense, live for his country. He who surrenders himself without reservation to the temporal claims of a nation, or of a party, or a class is rendering to Caesar that which, of all things, most empathetically belongs to God: himself" -C.S. Lewis

How could i stay silent, apathetic and in the dark all of these years? I am but one voice. But backed with purpose, a faith in the Lord's power and the need of fellow human beings, one voice can be a catalyst to a powerful change.

What is your voice being used to proclaim? How will your life make a difference in the lives of others? In what way will you share what you've been blessed with? We have but one life, one chance, one voice - i urge each of us to use it in bettering the lives of others and living out a life of faith.

Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality -Romans 12:13

On My Heart

2010-06-03T20:34:00.000-07:00

Can't Sleep = Ramblings, photos, thoughts, dreams on my mind and heart

Healing. Lover. El Salvador. India? Long-term missions? Adoption! Renewed. The Latino community. Teacher. Mentor. Student. Disciple. The complexity of the issue of immigrants without documentation. Marriage counselor? Make me to know your ways, O Lord; teach me your paths. Lead me in your truth and teach me, for you are the God of my salvation; for you i wait all the day long. -Psalm 25:4-5 "Preach the Gospel at all times and when necessary use words". Blessed. Stubborn. Determined. The Psalms. Busy-ness. Applebees. Student teaching. Art. Hermitages.

Missions and Helping

2010-05-25T14:48:00.000-07:00

"If you have come to help me,
you are wasting your time,
But, if you have come
because your liberation is bound to mine,
let us work together"
-Lila Watson, Aboriginal Australian Activist

What a quote to start off my first day of May Term. I'm taking a three week Spanish course entitled "Latino Immigration and Community Service". Besides the time we spend in class learning about pertinent issues, we also complete 30 additional hours of community service within the Latino Community. While i was nervous and a little overwhelmed with the amount of time this class will take, I can not WAIT. The above statement and even the discussion from this first day have inspired me. Ah, i LOVE when the Lord provides words, an event, a person, etc. that gives you so much passion and desire to learn more or do MORE. I have a heart for missions. But this is a prompting and definitely awakening me to the STIRRING and restructuring i feel the Lord doing in my life - regarding my mindset, my heart, and how i view missions.

After giving my opinion about what i thought this quote meant, my teacher pointed to my summer mission plans (representing missions in general) as an example of potential ignorance - when we go to "help" people, what does that say about how we view them? I think the word 'help' may sound innocent, from the perspective of the missionaries and people reaching out. But what about those we reach out to? Is it saying that we perceive them as lesser or weaker than us? That they need our help? That we are in a place to offer help and they are not? Think about it. We ask God for help because He is significantly greater, All-powerful and bigger than us. We cry out for help when we are in distress and in our moment of need. Asking God for help acknowledges His greatness and our dire need for Him. It also emphasizes that He is more than us. Could this perhaps be the outlook of those we reach out to - that we are reaching out to them because we think we are "greater" than them or know better than them? That we are superior?

I have much, much more praying and meditating to do. I ask that the Lord will open up my eyes during this course and during my travels and missions this summer. After the class and throughout work, my mind was exploding with questions and countless, interconnected thoughts. My heart was brimming with joy and God-given passion. I crave to know more and see more and experience more so i can better know 'missions'. Here is where I'm at, for now. I am looking for and asking for feedback, thoughts, questions, ideas, and where you see God's hand in the following places:

1) My coworker is from Mexico. A few months ago, he ranted about how stupid short term mission trips are. He claimed that mission trips seem to be a place for missionaries to 'feel good about themselves' and increase their self-esteem by taking pictures of themselves holding a kid at an orphanage or building a house. In some ways, his views are valid. I so appreciate his outlook, as it takes on a similar perspective to Watson's quote. It is true, short term mission trips can only do so much (in relation to long term mission trips. However, i am not undermining God's power and ability to work in His timing :)) - there is a time constraint as far as building relationships, serving the community and reaching out goes. However, short term mission trips, if sought out with the appropriate state of mind and heart can be extremely powerful and good. Even one day in another country reveals the needs of others, affirms the abundance of blessings we have as Americans in the United States, breaks down walls of ignorance and feeds a deeper passion and calling. I truly believe the Lord works in short term mission trips. He is there before us, working in the hearts of those we meet; we are merely His instruments. And the biggest visible change may take place in the hearts of the missionaries, as we become aware of Christ and the dire needs of this world. Had we not ventured out of our comfortable teeny-weeny part of the world - with fast food available on every corner, the security we have and the excess amount of..stuff available to us - how could we know of our ignorance, our wealth and our blessings? It is necessary to open our eyes to the needs of the world. It is essential that we thank the Lord for all He has given us. BUT, we can not stop there. When we are made aware to the needs of those around us, when our eyes are OPENED to the depravity, we must ACT. And, if our hearts seek the Lord in the missionary field, short term missions shatter the walls of ignorance in front of our eyes and stir the passion to serve everybody everywhere.

2) Is there a difference between 'helping' and 'serving'? When i say i want to serve others, does it still come off as, "I'm better than you?" Being a servant requires you to go lower, to take a spot of inferiority, to devote your life to serving others. I think the root issue of 'helping', 'serving' and other words is the condition of the heart. When we reach out to others, is it because we feel we are 'better' and 'superior'? Or do we acknowledge our own depravity and serve others with a humble heart? Do we reluctantly give because we feel pressured based on our wealth? Or do we give with a glad heart, knowing the Lord has blessed us abundantly and wanting to bless others instead of hoarding what He has given us? Our actions and serving will glorify God if we acknowledge that we are not 'better', but rather in the same state of need and dependence on God - in a moment, our comfortable way of life could be stripped away. That is, I think, what Watson means when she says, "let us work together" because "your liberation is bound to mine". We are all one body, our lives are bound to one another.

3) Another question - what is the best way to share the love and salvation of Christ as a missionary? Can we merely interact with a community and serve them by building houses and doing more hands-on labor? Should we solely be sharing the word of the Lord? Or must the labor and God's word be shared together? Are building relationships necessary in sharing the Good News? Should we build houses and communities and/or equip peoples with the skills to help themselves? What of the saying, "Give a man a fish; you have fed him for today. Teach a man to fish; and you have fed him for a lifetime"? There probably isn't one right or wrong answer. Mm, but my prayer is that we lean not on our understanding and seek the Lord as we serve and reach out.

One thing i am certain of - as we give, we receive. The Lord moves in us - He breaks down our misconceptions, demolishes prejudices and humbles our hearts. Missions teach everyone involved. We are exposed to a new way of life and living. For those of us that are going on mission trips, whether internationally or locally, short term or long term, this summer or eventually, may we learn to BEHOLD the Lord and His hand. May we enthusiastically embrace the new cultures, ways of life and traditions of those we serve. May we excitedly LEARN just as much as we teach and share. May we look past the obvious and the seen and delve into the unseen - learn what is behind the cover. And may Christ be the center of it all.

Ultimate Satisfaction

2010-05-17T14:02:00.000-07:00

"God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him" This is the very idea of Christian Hedonism. I have just started reading "When I Don't Desire God" by John Piper, after a friend so graciously bought it for me a few weeks ago. While my desire for God and God alone has increased in the past few months (solely by the grace and mercy of God), the book is definitely still relevant and teaching me so much. I love the theology behind Christian Hedonism.So often as Christians, and even as non-believers, i think we perceive the calling of Christ as a task or as our life's purpose, but we fail to acknowledge the unsurpassable joy that accompanies following that calling. As Piper points out, "Christ is to be cherished, not just chosen" [Piper,19].To cherish is to hold something dear, or think of something longingly. In our following of the Lord, it is essential to adore Him and thank Him for everything. Sometimes, we stop at simply choosing God and fail to truly long for Him and cherish Him. It is my prayer that our eyes be opened to the beauty of Christ - that the beauties and wonders of His creations bring us joy, point to His glory, and allow us to truly cherish the Greatest Treasure.

Ultimate satisfaction in the Lord cannot be shaken, even amongst great trials and persecution. True joy in the Lord is so steadfast on His hope and His foundation, that we learn to rejoice amongst despair and persecution. Easier said than done, i will wholeheartedly admit. "[Finding satisfaction in the Lord] will happen when Christians don't just say Christ is valuable, or sing that Christ is valuable, but truly experience in their hearts the unsurpassed worth of Jesus with so much joy that they can say, "I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord" (Phil 3:8)," [Piper, 21]. We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance (Romans 5:3)

After reading this first chapter, I was reminded of a couple things. First off, a couple weeks ago, a classmate and i got off topic in class and started discussing Christianity in relation to his Atheistic beliefs. When he asked me what i thought the purpose to life was, I responded that it was seeking Christ with everything I am. To him, and to other atheists i'm sure, this sounds like a sick and twisted game. I do not know with complete certainty nor will not claim to know what the purpose of life is - only God does. But i do know, my life has purpose in living for Christ. Not just living, but finding ultimate satisfaction in Him, for it is then that He is most glorified. Finding that satisfaction is a lifelong purpose, as it is more difficult to find satisfaction and joy amongst trials. However this, i believe, is the ultimate calling - sustaining and living for Christ through any and all things. Though our faith will waiver, He will not.

Another thing i thought about was a conversation with a dear friend after a church service last summer. She was "turned off" in a sense, to what seemed like strict rules and regulations that accompany a life with Christ. In the service, the works of the flesh were listed and compared to the fruits of the spirit: "Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity...drunkenness, orgies..etc." -Galatians 5:19-23 I could tell my dear friend felt judged, ashamed and hurt by what seemed like religious intolerance. Being able to comfort her and shed understanding on the beautiful redemption and reasons behind these "rules" has been something I've since been praying about. After reading this first chapter, I feel like choosing to live not out of the flesh acknowledges our satisfaction in the Lord. Living and bearing fruits of the Spirit rather than choosing to live of the flesh is a choice - when we choose God, we acknowledge that living for Him is so much more fulfilling than anything else. Our desires are shifted, replaced, as we seek the constant source of Joy and Satisfaction. Instead of perceiving the lifestyle that chooses to abstain from sex outside of marriage and refraining from drunkenness as judgmental, strict and prude or getting angry at the restraints, think about knowing the Ultimate Reward - our Sole Desire. "Christ is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him" - not the things of this world. They will pass and perish, but a relationship with Christ will not. As we grow in relationship with Him, as we open our eyes to our great disparity and dire need for Him, we learn to trust that His ways are perfect. The "rules" that we follow when we choose life with Him are because we trust that He is working everything for our good - He is protecting our hearts, and desires for us to know Him. I want to be most satisfied in God throughout anything life throws at me, so i choose to follow His ways and not the ways of the flesh (imperfectly, of course) that lead to confusion, distraction and destruction of my life's purpose.

Satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love,
that we may rejoice and be glad all our days.
-Psalm 90:14

Lord, in any and all seasons, You are God. May we be satisfied in Your steadfast love and truly be glad all our days - through all trials and persecutions, God. May we truly LONG for You, may we crave life in You and acknowledge our dire need for You, Lord. Let us glorify You by being satisfied in You. Shed light on the love and purpose behind living in the Spirit and not in the flesh, God. Shed light in the glorious purpose of life in You.

Beautiful Bridal Shower

2010-05-16T17:06:00.001-07:00

The murmur and laughter of women sharing in the joyous season of my beautiful friend Jodi simply warms my heart. I just got back from a wedding shower thrown by her church family - it was WONDERFUL! My favorite, favorite part was that it was God-centered - even the cleverly constructed Jeopardy game! What an encouragement it is to see the body and support God has provided for her and Grant as she enters into this season. I'm taking pointers for the next showers i get to plan - prayer circle is a definite must! What a better way to send the bride-to-be/couple-to-be off than with prayers, blessings and glory to God!

I am so thankful for the women God has placed in my life. Being able to spend time with Chana and Zach after being away from them for so long has been so great. And knowing that my dear roomies, Jod and Rach, though they are no longer roomies, are still available and dear friends is encouraging beyond belief. Thank you GOD for these three. Thank You, GOD for today and Your glorious sunshine. Thank You for coffee ministry with my dear friend, thank You for all You are. You are my everything. Continue to guide me and lead me - wherever and whenever that may be. I love You, i love You.

Check it: My Hope is Built by Shane and Shane: Click HERE

The Habit of Having No Habits: Oswald Chambers

2010-05-13T10:11:00.000-07:00

I love Oswald Chambers' wisdom. So often, the Lord uses Chambers' words to speak to the very place my heart is at or the situation i find myself in. Here is yesterday's (May 12) My Utmost entry:

The Habit of Having No Habits

"If these things are yours and abound, you will be neither barren nor unfruitful..." (2 Peter 1:8)

When we first begin to form a habit, we are fully aware of it. There are times when we are aware of becoming virtuous and godly, but this awareness should only be a stage we quickly pass through as we grow spiritually. If we stop at this stage, we will develop a sense of spiritual pride. The right thing to do with godly habits is to immerse them in the life of the Lord until they become such a spontaneous expression of our lives that we are no longer aware of them. Our spiritual life continually causes us to focus our attention inwardly for the determined purpose of self-examination, because each of us has some qualities we have not yet added to our lives.
Your god may be your little Christian habit - the habit of prayer or Bible reading at certain times of your day. Watch how your Father will upset your schedule if you begin to worship your habit instead of what your habit symbolizes. We say, "I can't do that right now; this is my time alone with God." No, this is your time alone with your habit. There is a quality that is still lacking in you. Identify your shortcomings and then look for opportunities to work into your life that missing quality.
Love means that there are no visible habits - that your habits are so immersed in the Lord that you practice them without realizing it. If you are consciously aware of your own holiness, you place limitations on yourself from doing certain things - things God is not restricting you from at all. This means there is a missing quality that needs to be added to your life. The only supernatural life is the life the Lord Jesus lived, and He was at home with God anywhere. Is there someplace where you are not at home with God? Then allow God to work through whatever that particular circumstance may be until you increase in Him, adding His qualities. Your life will then become the simple life of a child.
-Oswald Chambers

Lord, break any habits that we have established, either consciously or unconsciously, that keep us from knowing You in all areas of our life. Keep us from worshipping the habits and let our hearts worship You and You alone. May we be immersed in You, so lost in Your infinite and mighty being that we are not aware of ourselves. Instead of hoping to gain spiritual pride, i ask that our time with You humble us further. I ask that as we spend more time with You, we become more aware of our shortcomings and our dire need for You.

My Utmost online: http://www.utmost.org/

The ONLY Constant

2010-05-11T11:28:00.000-07:00

All flesh is grass,
and all its constancy is like the flower of the field.

The grass withers, the flower fades,
when the breath of the Lord blows on it;

surely the people are grass.
The grass withers, the flower fades,
but the word of our God will stand forever.
-Isaiah 40:6-8

Nothing is constant but the word of God. Nothing will endure or stand the test of time but the unending, unconditional and STEADFAST love of the Lord. Human words will fail. Our promises are feeble. Our love is broken. Our hearts are futile.

Relationships will come and go. Friendships will be prominent in one season and fade in another. Spiritual leaders will be with us for a time. There will be seasons of joy and seasons of sorrow; those too, will fade. The ebb and flow of time, of seasons, of emotions - they are all fleeting.

Our God is the only constant. Our God remains while people in our lives do not. His word is the only thing we can count on. In Him alone should our hope reside; on God, our Solid Rock alone should we build our fortress and find our refuge. Through Him we have life; apart from Him we have nothing.

Do our hearts truly trust this? Do our hearts find peace in knowing the Lord is our only constant? Or is it so unconceivable, as everything around us comes and goes? Let us not perceive the Lord's constancy, the solidity of the Rock based on our inability to comprehend eternity. Instead of resorting to hopelessness and distrust in the Lord's constancy when people enter and leave our lives, may we find a renewed hope and a restored passion in Our Only Constant. Lord, let our hearts rest in your constancy. Let us praise You and Your consistency, Your steadfast love, in and out of seasons. You. Are. Constant. You will never fail or forsake us.

As for man, his days are like grass;
he flourishes like a flower of the field;
for the wind passes over it, and it is gone,
and its place knows it no more.

But the steadfast love of the Lord is from
everlasting to everlasting on those who fear him...
-Psalm 103:15-17

You, Lord, laid the foundation of the earth
in the beginning,
and the heavens are the work of your hands;
they will perish, but you remain;
they will all wear out like a garment,
like a robe you will roll them up,
like a garment they will be changed.

But you are the same,
and your years will have no end."
-Hebrews 1:10-12

Let Hope Rise...here in the Now.

2010-05-05T13:56:00.001-07:00

Name above names,
Lamb that was slain,
Beautiful God.
You're King above kings,
God of all things.
Beautiful God

There's no other name like Jesus
We give You all of the praise, O Lord Jesus
Let HOPE rise and DARKNESS TREMBLE in Your holy light...
-With Everything, Hillsong (see video)

What a cool version of one of my favorite songs. I stumbled across an album entitled Awakening - Passion 2010. There are several songs from Chris Tomlin, David Crowder, Christy Nockels and others! SO AMAZING. Check it out here and buy it on Itunes!

God is teaching me to find hope in the here and now. Often, we get so lost in thinking about the future or drown ourselves in the sorrows of the past that our present here and now becomes meaningless. We are only certain of the here and now - right now, in this very moment. Why worry about the future? Do we not believe it is truly in God's hands? By learning to live in the here and now, we allow ourselves to further develop a trust in the Lord and His character. When we live life one moment at a time, we can ask the Lord for guidance in our present worries while fully appreciating the beauty in each moment.

"Therefore, do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is it's own trouble" -Matthew 6:34 (ESV...sounds like Yoda's version)

I'm nearing the end of Manning's Ruthless Trust. My favorite chapter thus far is his chapter entitled "The Geography of Nowhere". In the journey towards ruthless trust in our King, Manning emphasizes the importance of living in the present: The music of what is happening can be heard only in the present moment, right now, right here. Now/here spells nowhere. To be fully present to whoever or whatever is immediately before us is to pitch a tent in the wilderness of Nowhere. It is an act of radical trust - trust that God can be encountered at no other time and in no other place than the present moment. Being fully present in the now is perhaps the premier skill of the spiritual life" [Manning, 150].

The here and now the past few days has been rough. But the Lord has provided and showered me with blessings i do not deserve. I had a rough Monday, even concentrating on the worries of that day alone. As i headed down to my car to meet some friends, i dreaded having to fill it up with gas. Turns out - my brother had filled it up completely and wrote me a note - "Happy 1/2 birthday. Love, Luke". I cried. My brother's random act of kindness spoke multitudes of encouragement and love into my crappy day and downtrodden mood. If anything, I've taken a lot of my situation out on him - only for him to repay me with love and generosity. THAT broke me more than a mean word or a cold shoulder ever could.

Living in the here and now, I've spent some amazing time with two of my dearest friends (and married couple) - Chana and Zach. They just returned this week from studying abroad in Venezuela. Spending time with them has given me so much joy and been a HUGE blessing. I love their hearts, i love to see and hear about what the Lord has done in them as a married couple. Chana shared with me their "desert" experience. It's neat to see how God stripped so much away from their lives - brought them out of their comfort zone - only to emphasize His love, His power and His sameness everywhere, while growing them TRULY into "One - Husband and Wife - a triple braided cord". Their relationship is so beautiful - a testament to the faithfulness of the Lord and His plans for them for the advancement of His kingdom. I love these two more than they know.

Living in the here and now has been tough. When my mind wanders to the future, it requires surrender and acknowledging the Lord's power as the single source that can keep me trusting Him with the moment i am in. Right now. When i broke down on Monday, i received texts of encouragement and phone calls that seemed so random. An "Unknown" number called me as i lay in bed Monday night. Turns out, it was my best friend, Kim - calling from AUSTRALIA. Just to check in. I could not believe it. And i am still in shock. Ah, the Lord's timing. He's blessed me with so many sources of encouragement.

I want to worship the Lord in the here and now. Wherever my heart is at, i want to cry out to Him. I want to soak in the present, hope for the future and release the past. I will run through the halls of my empty apartment - full of bittersweet memories - and worship my Savior. Mm, and how much easier it is to live in the present when our mind is stayed on the Lord - the only constant :).

"When my mind is replaying past glories and defeats or imagining unknown tomorrows, the music of what is happening is muted. When i spin fearful scenarios about the future, my agitation prohibits my awareness of the living present"[Manning, 151].

"The effort to free ourselves from concerns and the willingness to put aside fuzzy distractions involves a kind of death in order to take up the cross of the present moment"[159].

"Being in the now removes us from endless and fruitless self-analysis. Morever, in the absence of self-observation, guild and shame mysteriously disappear. Removed from the sphere of our feelings, thoughts, and analyses, we are free to hear the music of what is happening. Lost in the Nowhere, we are found in the infinity of the eternal Now" [154].

Real living is not about words, concepts and abstractions but about experience of who or what is immediately before us [156].

Live in the now.

So Much More Than a Valentine...JP

2010-05-02T08:42:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting in my dark bedroom at home - blinds closing out the light of day, the faint glow of the computer screen barely shedding any light. After catching up on some blog reading, I started reading John Piper's blog. He's the man...only because he brings so much understanding and glory to the Real Man, if you know who i mean ;). I scrolled through tiny snipets of his words of wisdom, and came across a valentine blog he wrote to Noel, his wife. It is amazing - the words reflect so much more than that day. There are pictures and memories and so much...love behind his poem. Simply beautiful.

Check it: A Valentine for My Wife in Picture and Rhyme by John Piper

Humility

2010-04-29T17:32:00.000-07:00

"The great weakness in the North American church at large, and certainly in my life, is our refusal to accept our brokenness. We hide it, evade it, gloss over it. We grab for the cosmetic kit and put on our virtuous face to make ourselves admirable to the public. Thus, we present to others a self that is spiritually together, superficially happy, and lacquered with a sense of self-depricating humor that passes for humility...we have not come to terms with the tragic flaw in our lives: the brokenness that is proper to the human condition -Brennan Manning, Ruthless Trust [122].

Humility - a modest or low view of one's own importance; humbleness. Manning takes it a step further to say humble men and women have "NO opinion of themselves, because they so rarely think about themselves" [120]. How cool is that!? A humble person is completely overwhelmed by our God - so blown away by His creation and left craving more. A humble person's heart, mind and life are CONSUMED with the desire to know the Lord's thoughts, His heart and His will. A humble person's identity does not derive from their profession, their relationship/socioeconomic status, or what they look like - their identity is found in the Lord. A humble person accepts his brokenness - he is authentic with where he's at: his struggles, his fears, the real condition of his heart. While a humble person exposes his brokenness, he finds joy in his weakness, for it is in our own weakness that the Lord's strength is most seen.

Lord, make me humble. Humble me, humble my heart. Consume my life. Lord, bring me to my knees - a true position of humbleness and a place to acknowledge that I am nothing and You are everything. May i kneel in Your awesome presence. Expose my brokenness. Shed Your light into the darkest and most inner places of my heart, that i have kept hidden. I want to be real. I want to see churches everywhere - the body of Christ - cast off their masks and be true to the broken conditions of their hearts. Break us, God. Humble us. May humility invade the churches - let us become so real with one another. Shed your light through any darkness. And through humility, God, may we rest, on bended knee, in Your presence. May we crave nothing more but to bow at Your feet. Let us lose ourselves in our brokenness, cast ourselves at Your feet, and find our identity in You. At Your feet does Your grace and Your mercy consume our brokenness and give us a name. I love You. I want more of You, God. Break me.

Shipwrecked

2010-04-27T22:16:00.001-07:00

Painting is my new fix :) All these images and ideas are filling my mind that i cannot wait to paint! The one i finished tonight reflects a place of turmoil and darkness amidst the crashing waves of a brutal storm. It's a mixture of Matt 8:23-27, Psalm 107:28-30 and other scripture. I've found myself in this volatile ocean time and time again in the past few months. And, though God calms the seas and brings comfort and relief, He still allows the waves to crash against my vessel and is leading me through the roughest waters.
As i sketched the piece and Googled pictures, i "stumbled" across this page of poems. The first one was SO dead on - to the image i had envisioned myself painting, and to the place the Lord is calling me through. I could not believe it. Truly, this was no coincidence. It was definitely a blessing and God used it to speak to my heart in this very place.

"The Blessing of a Storm"
by Wendy Greiner Lefko

I did not know His love before,
the way i know it now.
I could not see my need for Him,
my pride would not allow.

I had it all, without a care,
the "self-sufficient" lie.
My path was smooth, my sea was still,
not a cloud was in my sky.

I thought i knew His love for me,
I thought I'd seen His grace,
I thought i did not need to grow,
I thought I'd found my place.

But then the way grew rough and dark,
the storm clouds quickly rolled;
The waves began to rock my ship,
I found I had no hold.

The ship that i had built myself
was made of foolish pride,
It fell apart and left me bare,
with nowhere else to hide.

I had no strength or faith to face
the trials that lay ahead,
And so i simply spoke His name
and bowed my weary head.

His loving arms enveloped me,
and then He helped me stand,
He said, "You still must face this storm,
but i will hold your hand."

So through the dark and lonely night
He guided me through pain.
I could not see the light of day
or when I'd smile again.

Yet through the pain and endless tears,
my faith began to grow.
I could not see it at the time,
but my light began to glow.

I saw God's love in brand new light,
His grace and mercy, too.
For only when all self was gone could Jesus'
love shine through.

It was not easy in the storm,
I sometimes wondered why.
At times I thought, "I can't go on."
I'd hurt, and doubt, and cry.

But Jesus never left my side,
He guided me each day,
Through pain and strife, through fire and flood,
He helped me all the way.

And now i see as ne'er before
how great His love can be,
How in my weakness He is strong,
how Jesus cares for me!

He worked it all out for my good,
although the way was rough,
He only sent me what i could bear,
and then He said, "Enough!"

He raised His hand and said, "Be still!"
He made the storm clouds cease.
He opened up the gates of joy
and flooded me with peace.

I saw His face now clearer still,
I felt His presence strong,
I found anew His faithfulness,
He never did me wrong.

And now i know more storms will come,
but only for my good,
For pain and tears have helped me grow
as nothing ever could.

I still have so much more to learn
as Jesus works in me;
If in the storm I'll love Him more,
that's where i want to be!

Watercolor

2010-04-26T20:56:00.000-07:00

Oh my goodness, how i have missed painting. I took a class in high school and LOVED it! But it's one of those things i didn't have much "time for" after the class ended. I'm sick of the busy body-ness this world has come to accept and encourage - always needing to be on the move or working or doing SOMETHING. What about our passions? I've been hoping to learn the guitar (hoping since a mission trip to Poland), grow in photography, paint, and read MORE - as many books as i possibly can before i die. Many of these passions and acts of worship have been put on the back burner, as i've grown accustom to this busy life.

So tonight, I finally bought some water colors and sweet water color paper and painted. I spent time listening to worship and went to town. It is SO amazing. I feel the Lord calling me to stay off facebook for awhile, and just focus on Him. Seriously, what a conviction - facebook satisfies me in a way. It's a place to connect and "get filled" almost, by connecting with people. But i can get so lost in the facebook world (as many of you do too ;P) - when i could spend that time lost in my Savior and dwelling in Him.

Painting is so...symbolic. It takes time and patience. It requires vision. The painting comes together slowly - as you add each brilliant color, and allow the water to seep together, colors colliding and mixing and filling the page. Each form takes shape, slowly but surely. The painting becomes more and more complete as you work on it, spend tedious hours pouring out your heart and your mind and hoping your vision comes to life. Sometimes, your painting is not quite what you imagined. Sometimes, it's better. But either way, it's a work of art. An original. Can you picture our Creator God 'painting' us, the water color? The Potter behind His wheel, shaping us and refining us until we are a useful and sturdy vessel? Something to marvel at, something that reflects the Creator Himself?

Lord, create in me a clean heart. Be the Potter at Your wheel. You want it all. Teach me to slow down and rest in You. Give me a passion to seek you and dwell in Your steadfast love. There is no place I'd rather be. Thank you for art - for painting, for photography, for music, for worship. Thank You for creativity, a tiny taste of You - the most creative and imaginative Artist.

P.S. I'm graduating in two weeks and can't even believe it!! The Lord is merciful and the only source of strength that could've possibly gotten me through!

Bits and Pieces of Understanding

2010-04-22T18:49:00.000-07:00

1) "You Can Never Really Have Something Until You Give It Away." Once upon a time my fortune cookie said that. And yes, fortunes are silly and random, but i do keep them from time to time. I think this fortune cookie had it right on, even from a Christian perspective - as followers of Christ, we are taught that "...whoever loses his life for my sake will find it" - Matt 10:39. In giving our life away, we find life in Christ and through Christ and for Christ. Not just life, but an abundance of life, full of the reassurance of God's promises. We can't really have life until we give it away and lose it. Recently, I've been learning this about love. Several months ago, i had to do one of the hardest things i've ever done in my short, teeny weeny lifespan: I had to give up someone i love. The love i had was true and it was good, but it was also stunted and tarnished. When I finally relented and gave in to the Lord's leading, He affirmed the truth within that love. He also convicted me of the futile areas within my heart and my life: I looked to other relationships to fill a void (in which God could and can fill alone, on purpose). I let anger control me, selfishness have dominion over me. I did not truly trust the Lord - following Him in this decision and letting go was one of the first steps in learning to trust in His faithfulness. Eleven months ago, I was a disgusting, sinful wreck. God called me into the wilderness, He begged me to leave that life behind and seek Him.

My beloved speaks and says to me:
"Arise, my love, my beautiful one,
and come away,
for behold, the winter is past;
the rain is over and gone..."
-Song of Solomon 2:12-11

Boy oh boy, did God and does God have a plan for my life. In these past months, He's matured me, refined me, grown me more into the woman He created me to be. It has been a painful, exhausting and weary journey. To be honest, I've loathed parts of it. I've questioned Him and whined and groaned for much of the way. But God's work is perfect and spans further than the human eye or mind can comprehend. I realized, eleven months ago, that i wasn't able to love the man i loved wholly and selflessly and as he deserved; as God intended love to look like. And God used this desire for that man and that "true" love to be restored as a catalyst to this journey on which He's led me. It was an indicator that things needed to change, a reminder that we cannot fully love another creature until we love God. He taught me that we must be complete as individuals, know who we are in Him, and have a firm foundation, rooted in Him before we can fully love another.

You cannot love a fellow-creature fully till you love God - C.S. Lewis

And so, now, eleven months later, I am still on a journey. Only this time, it's into the unknown future, with a hope in the Lord's glory and power and wisdom. I am still a disgusting, sinful wreck, as i was when i first embarked on this journey. Only now, i hold more steadfastly to the promise of God's salvation and a hope in the Lord. I am learning to trust Him whole-heartedly and long for the day He heals my heart completely. I want to seek Him and pursue life for His glory alone. I had to give a mini, stunted version of love away to find LOVE. LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE. The true, divine, perfect, unending, unconditional source of Love; the kind that comes from God alone.

2) You make all things work together for our good (Romans 8:28). We face temptation, struggles and hardships so we can encourage and share in the struggles and painful journeys of others. Though every situation is different, our struggles provide doors to sharing God's grace and mercy. Our hardships, temptations, sins, and conquered sins are areas that allow us to boast about the Lord as the Redeemer, a source of Strength in our weakness, and a God that makes all things new. He conquered the grave, He conquered our sins, we just have to surrender to Him and feel His overwhelming power. In that previous relationship, I understand that temptations presented themselves and i reacted out of weakness. Even at the cost of that relationship, i wouldn't have it any other way. The Lord has provided an area to relate to students in junior/senior high, even to adults that have given in to temptation, struggles, lust. And in the journey that has followed, He has led me through times of sorrow, of broken heartstrings, and other temptations. But, oh my goodness, I find joy and peace that i may share in the deepest hurts of others and point to God's unending, unfailing love, forgiveness and faithfulness. Thank You, God.

"As Henri Nouwen once remarked, "One of the most arduous spiritual tasks is that of giving up control and allowing the Spirit of God to lead our lives." On the other hand, presumption is such an insidious perversion that trust is not merely tainted but corrupted by it. In presumption, we assign to God the task of doign for us what we should be doing for ourselves." -Ruthless Trust, Brennan Manning [115].

3) I know jack squat. Nothing. NOTHING. I don't "feel" like i trust God more or that He's really been working in me. But i can sense it. As i draw close to Him, He draws close to me. When i am willing to surrender, to allow the Lord to do a work in me, He does and He will. WOW. I don't get to know the big picture, the whole reason why. And i finally accept that. In some twisted way, i've found peace in that. I must keep my gaze so steadfast on the Lord and Him alone. He reveals things to us when our hearts our ready. And that, my friends, is beautiful.

Truly, you are a God who hides himself... -Isaiah 45:15 (ESV)
Truly, O God of Israel, our Savior, you work in mysterious ways -Isaiah 45:15 (NLT)

Keep me trusting, Lord. Keep me focused on You. Your will, God, not mine. Your way, Your heart, Your love.

For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
-Isaiah 55:8-9

"Often trust begins on the far side of despair. When all human resources are exhausted, when the craving for reassurances is stifled, when we forgo control, when we cease trying to manipulate God and demystify Mysery, then - at our wits' end - trust happens within us, and the untainted cry, "Abba, into your hands i commend my spirit" surges from the heart." - Brennan Manning, Ruthless Trust [117].

Wordless Thanksgiving II: Chicago and 'My Place'

2010-04-21T08:19:00.001-07:00

Into your hand i commit my spirit; you have redeemed me, O Lord, faithful God -Psalm 31:5

Prove me, O Lord, and try me;
test my heart and my mind.
For your steadfast love is before my eyes,
and i walk in your faithfulness.
- Psalm 26:2-3

"Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord,
whose trust is in the Lord.
He is like a tree planted by water,
that sends out its roots by the stream,
and does not fear when heat comes,
for its leaves remain green,
and is not anxious in the year of the drought,
for it does not cease to bear fruit"
-Jeremiah 17:7-8

Soon

2010-04-20T08:29:00.000-07:00

"And behold, i am coming soon...Surely i am coming soon." - Revelation 22:7, 20

I heard Hillsong/Brooke Fraser's song Soon for the first time yesterday. What a song full of promise and reassurance of the Lord's power and glory and honor. I look forward to the promise, the Lord is coming soon. Until then, my heart holds fast to Him, hopes in His salvation and will strive to bring Him glory. Nothing compares to His steadfast love - do you realize how often those two words appear in the bible? In the Psalms alone? Steadfast. Love. His love holds strong and true. And He is coming soon.

Bless the Lord, O my soul...who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy..." -Psalm 103:3-4

Beloved, we are God's children now, and what we will be has not yet appeared; but we know that when he appears we shall be like him, because we shall see him as he is. And everyone who thus hopes in him purifies himself as he is pure. - 1 John 3:2-3

And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed in the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit. -2 Corinth 3:18

Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you. So i will bless you as long as i live; in your name i will lift up my hands. My soul will be satisfied... -Psalm 63:3-5

Can you picture the glorious scene in Revelation? The elders and angels gathering around His throne, casting down their crowns and their own glories in awe and reverence. I think this is my favorite verse in the song: the procession of the elders and angels.At His feet i lay my crowns, my worship. Laying down our crowns at His feet and acknowledging His awesome glory, soon united with the one we Love, the one who Loves us wholly. Can it get any better?

And whenever the living creatures give glory and honor and thanks to him who is seated on the throne, who lives forever and ever, the twenty-four elders fall down before him who is seated on the throne and worship him who lives forever and ever. They cast their crowns before the throne saying, "Worthy are you, our Lord and God, to receive glory and honor and power, for you created all things, and by your will they existed and were created." -Revelation 4:9-11

Tear Down the Walls: Hillsong Concert Reflections

2010-04-18T18:21:00.000-07:00

Seeing Hillsong in Chicago was a dream come true! What an amazing worship team, anointed church and men and women of faith! I had the opportunity to visit one of their church campuses when i was in Sydney the Christmas day before last. And i secretly wish i could go back in time and attend their college in Sydney...i guess there's maybe still time for that, huh? :) Anyways, the concert was absolutely...NEEDED. A breath of fresh air, an encouragement, amazing. I love when concerts become about glorifying God and worshipping God with fellow brothers and sisters, and less about the group themselves. What an act of humiliation and worshipping our Savior! Though i just returned from a seven hour drive and have much more to reflect on, I felt an urgency to write a few things that God has been revealing to me, changing in me and things He affirmed at the concert.

1) The concert - the worship was astounding. Joel Houston and the Hillsong team are truly inspiring! To see how they "made themselves available" for the Lord to work in them and through them is AMAZING! There were times during the worship God just really broke me down. Literally - i was moved to tears. Like, i could not stop crying if i tried! It was so LIBERATING and FREEING. Tears of joy in knowing the Lord was breaking me and continues to do so more as I "make myself available". I don't think there's much that is more beautiful than worshipping Our Creator and Beloved Father with thousands of fellow believers, striving to know HIM and MORE OF HIM!

2) One of the songs that absolutely hit my heart was "Tear Down the Walls". Wow. I can not describe the...fulness i felt in that moment. Just pressing into to the Lord and lifting my hands in sweet surrender and worship brought a sense of wholeness. Truly, i could and would stay in that moment for eternity. Worshipping Him, trusting Him, and seeking Him is where i want to be. During that song, I just felt a lot of my own walls crash down. I felt an overpowering reassurance and a desire for the walls of people all over this world to be torn down and replaced with the unshakable and unfathomable love of Jesus Christ!

Look to the skies, hope arise,
see His majesty revealed.
More than this life, there is LOVE,
there is hope and this is real.

I was reminded of a thought that had plagued my mind a couple of years ago, and a discussion i had with someone that was very dear to my heart -why do people stop loving each other? How does that happen? I had this image of each of us - whether it be in a romantic relationship, friendship, etc. building up walls of hurt, anger and fear - brick by brick, unknown to the other person in that relationship until it was towering between the two of them/us. We build walls. To "protect ourselves" or even to isolate ourselves. I have to pray and dwell more on why the Lord brought this thought back to me in that moment, but this is the facebook note that i wrote a couple years ago that briefly touches on this idea HERE

Lord, no more walls. Tear them down, in Your name. No more darkness, no more isolation. May we see You in Your glory. Tear down our walls. Break any barriers that inhibit us from loving our brothers and sisters. Our friend. Our spouse. Reveal Yourself to those that have built up a wall isolating them from YOU, the One True Source of LOVE UNENDING!!!

3) In that time of worship, I had this image involving focus. Yes, it may have been sparked from looking through and figuring out my new lens during the concert (haha), but whatever the case, the idea of "focus" was laid on my heart. As i praised God with my eyes shut, truly "focused" on Him, I pictured the entire room and all that surrounded me go in and out of focus - the hands raised in adoration, the band, everything. It was as if I was looking beyond that - seeing past the walls that enclosed the venue, and just picturing Christ - His hands outstretched and opened towards the heavens, taking in all His creation. As everything around me continued to zoom in and out of focus, the image of Jesus never did. He remained the center of the image, everything revolving around Him. He is the only constant, the only thing we can rely on for eternity.

...let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith... -Hebrews 12:2

4) I had a weird dream a few nights ago. I'm not usually one to study my dreams, as a lot of them are absurd, silly ones that seem to be nothing but compilations of thoughts, ideas, and people that are on your mind. But this one was different. While a couple people in it may have been on my mind that day, the idea of the dream was different. I dreamt Scripture - that's DEFINITELY a first for me. Since this was new, I didn't just forget about the dream. After talking to my mentor, I feel an affirmation that the dream was about of one my biggest fears - a fear i haven't been able to let go of. And, while my biggest fear came true in the dream, the Scripture that someone spoke into it was an affirmation of God's power and truth and love. While someday, this fear may very well come true, God is so much bigger than my fears. I'm not going to get into the dream, but the scriptures that were so clearly spoken in the dream were: "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear" -1 John 4:18 and "Even though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death, i will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me" -Psalm 23:4

5) I want nothing to stand in my way and inhibit me from following God to the ends of the earth. Wherever He leads, I want to go. No hesitations, no second thoughts. I want to follow Him. A year ago, I wouldn't have wanted to leave the familiarity. Now, i want nothing more but to seek Him wholeheartedly.

Let us make ourselves available to the Lord.

I've Found a Love

2010-04-14T19:34:00.000-07:00

Lord, I am reminded by Your unfailing love each and every day. Your mercies are new every morning. My soul makes its boast in You, my hope and joy is in You alone.

Fully to enjoy is to glorify. In commanding us to glorify Him, God is inviting us to enjoy Him -C.S. Lewis, Prayer of Praise

"When i call on Your name, You answer.
When i fall, You are there by my side.
You delivered me out of my darkness.
Now i stand in the hope of new life.

By grace, I'm free,
You've rescued me.
Now all i am is Yours.

I found a love, greater than life itself.
I found a hope stronger and nothing compares
I once was lost, now I'm alive in You.
I come alive in You.

You're my God and my firm Foundation.
It is You whom I'll trust at all times.
I give glory and praise, adoration
to my Savior who's seated on high."
-I've Found a Love

Scissors, Prayer & El Salvador

2010-04-12T21:23:00.000-07:00

My dear friend, Lindsay Stadler shared with me a truly accurate representation of us (well, me in this case) giving God control. Her pastor used the analogy of his grandson holding a pair of scissors. When the pastor asked his two-year-old grandson to give him the scissors, the grandson put the scissors down. Right by his side, still within his reach. Do you get it?! A lot of times, when God asks us to give something up, to surrender something and give it over to Him, we don't comply. Or we're convinced we've given that thing, that situation, or that person "over to Him" when really, we have "put them down" right next to us, where they're still within our reach and able to be picked up again whenever we choose. As scissors are dangerous to a two year old who does not fully know about the sharp edges, how to handle and hold them, a lot of the things the Lord asks us to give up are dangerous to us and where our hearts are at. The things we hold onto inhibit us from trusting Him truly, letting go and letting God have it ALL. This image was right on; it matched my heart and what God has been calling me to do. I've been holding the scissors. They have cut me, deeper than i know. What I've held on to has wounded me. And though there have been times where I let it go, it's always been set right next to me. Within reach. Time to place it in My Father's hands. Time to lay it on the altar. Lindsay came over today and just prayed with me, in my favorite place at the U of M campus (by the river :P). She even brought a balloon over and i "let it go" :). What a sacred place - a place I've built my altar, a place where God has exchanged beauty for ashes and is creating in me a clean heart. Thank you GOD, for new life. And for dear friends like Linds.

"Even the weakest saint can experience the power of the deity of the Son of God, when he is willing to "let go." But any effort to "hang on" to the least bit of our own power will only diminish the life of Jesus in us. We have to keep letting go, and slowly, but surely, the great full life of God will invade us, penetrating every part. Then Jesus will have complete and effective dominion in us, and people will take notice that we have been with Him." -Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest (April 12)

This weekend, I've really felt God calling me to examine how i pray and commune with Him. I love love LOVE to worship, to dance around my room and just feel His presence in music. Sometimes, I cry out and plead with Him, call out to Him, tell Him what's on my heart and the desires in which i hope in. But sitting in silence, in reverence, and just taking Him in is SO hard for me. I think if we all looked at our lifestyles, sitting in silence and BASKING in Him is a difficult concept to grasp for us busy bodies. But it is necessary and absolutely essential in coming to know Christ and His heart. When we sit in silence, when we truly DWELL and take the time to let all worries, concerns and preoccupations fall out of our heads, we are able to find His peace. Sometimes, i think we don't "hear" the Lord because we don't allow Him a time or place to speak. He knows what's on our heart, and in those moments when we sit in silence with Him, He is able to have His will. His way. He is able to bring us His overwhelming peace and truly do a work in us. I'm spending the next couple weeks focusing on a Centering Prayer: repeating one WORD about God or a phrase from scripture and whispering it for fifteen minutes or more, allowing God in (for example, peace, Jesus, Lover, Redeemer, Healer, and i chose Beloved). BAHHH it's so hard to make my brain just STOP sometimes. But i know prayer is a discipline and it will take time; it will truly be worth it to know Him more. I encourage YOU to take time to dwell in Him. In silence. Thank you, lovely mentor for lending me this handbook :)

In other news, tonight the El Salvador team met for the first time! Oh my goodness, I am so excited to see the Lord move - in each team member as we prepare for the trip, in uniting us as a team, and in the hearts of those we'll meet during our time in El Salvador and Guatemala. I'm leading the trip with Brie and Nathan - two amazing followers of the Lord, who are so passionate and welcoming. I CAN NOT WAIT! And the team - 16ish high schoolers just opened up and poured out in fellowship after minutes of knowing each other! Mmm God, you're doing a work in them, in each one of us. Prepare our hearts. Let us trust You will provide the funding and are paving the way. May we follow after You and seek Your glory alone. Mm, what joy this meeting has brought me. What a reassurance and a peace to my heart :) I'll definitely be keeping you guys posted - we leave in the middle of July! If you are interested in praying/giving/ANYTHING don't hesitate to contact me :)

What a night - a night of letting go, trusting in the Lord and marveling at His ways and works.

Hope

2010-04-11T16:58:00.000-07:00

"Most people, if they had really learned to look into their own hearts, would know that they do want, and want acutely, something that cannot be had in this world. There are all sorts of things in this world that offer to give it to you, but they never quite keep their promise." -C.S. Lewis, Hope (from The Joyful Christian).

Lewis goes on to explain that the offerings of this world include the greatest marriage, the most beautiful sites and scenery, a job that is the perfect fit for you - the "best possible [things]". Even the greatest of these would leave us wanting more, hoping for more. Lewis emphasizes the importance of allowing our minds to be "occupied with heaven". For if our thoughts are focused on the hope of the next world, the everlasting and perfect after life spent in the presence of the Lord, our temporary lives here on earth will be lived more fully.

What are my hopes? What are my sincere hopes for something more, things that are not yet seen? As I meditated on the works of Lewis, paired with John Piper and Scripture, I dwelled on this thought. Introspectively, I hope for the day God will "wipe away every tear from [our] eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away [Rev 21:4]". I long for the day the Lord will make all things new [Rev 21:5], the day He will create in me a clean heart. I ultimately long for a wholeness that can only come from a relationship with Jesus Christ. While i accept my present conditions, I hope for the day I am free from heartbreak, from sorrow, from pain.

I hope for a steadfast and unshakeable union - the lifelong journey a single wedding day celebrates. I hope for a love that goes so far beyond the white wedding dress, the flowers and that diamond ring. I want a love that wouldn't mind being celebrated in burlap sacks in the middle of the street with nothing but a string tied around my finger. Okay, yes, that is slightly exaggerated, but the love-everlasting is the love i hope for. Not the day. And for now, my heart is at a place where only the Lord can satiate this desire. It is Him, it is Him tying the string around my finger, clothing me in white. For isn't a marriage just that - a hope in and tiny piece of the most unconditional, perfect and everlasting source of Love that exists?

I hope for our eyes to look to heaven, for our hearts to find rest there, for our souls to find a passion and a longing to live for the day Hope comes to earth. I hope for chains to be broken, for the Spirit of the Lord to bring freedom, and for us to truly crave the single source of Hope. To know and follow hard after it.

What do you HOPE for? What are the things not yet seen that you HOPE to know? To see? To experience?

"Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience - and with joy (Romans 8:24-25). Therefore, "rejoice in hope!" (Romans 12:12). This will prove to be your strength in the Lord. " -John Piper, [Taste and See, 256].

Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. - Romans 12:12

Wordless Thanksgiving...sort of

2010-04-10T09:46:00.000-07:00

I love the idea of blog posts that are solely pictures - pictures i've taken, artistic shots, recent happenings, photos that bring me joy...the works. So, picture-only posts may come up more often. This 'wordless' post is full of the blessings and fun times i've captured in the past three weeks :). I had the honor of taking engagement pictures for a beautiful couple and brother and sister in Christ: Luke Olsen and his fiance Macai. I went to Hawaii with the family. I went on a night photo shoot with my dear friend Kelli. A quick overnight trip to spend some time with my cousin at St Bens. I spent some time with two beautiful ladies who have absolutely touched my heart - Emily and Kylie :).

But i would also like to post a prayer my counselor showed me on Friday that brought me to tears. It's so where i'm at, it's my plea and the prayer that God has been preparing me for. I hope it reaches anyone of you in a similar place, those of you in need of letting go of something :)

The Welcoming Prayer

(Gently become aware of your body and your interior state)

Welcome, welcome, welcome

I welcome everything that comes to me in thi moment

because i know it is for my healing.

I welome all thoughts, feelings, emotions,

persons, situations and conditions.

I let go of my desire for security.

I let go of my desire for approval.

I let go of my desire for control.

I let go of my desire to change any

situation, condition,

person, or myself.

I open to the

love and presence of God

and

the healing action and grace within.

-Mary Mrozowski (1925-1993)

The creator and spiritual mother of the welcoming prayer practice

Amazing Women and a Prayer of Gratitude

2010-04-08T15:28:00.001-07:00

Thank You, thank You, thank You, Lord, for the women You have placed in my life during this sacred season. Brianna Millet. Liz Staszak. Heather Wydeven. Kristin Langlois. Becki Etzel. Jodi Buckentine. Rachel Tabalba. Lindsay Stadler. To name just a few You have blessed me with in the past 48 hours ALONE. You are good, You are good. You are my one and only. You know the depths of my heart, You know what's best for me and for Your kingdom.

You have delivered me, You have redeemed me, You have brought me to where I am here and now. It is You i ultimately seek. So i surrender any and all things on an altar to You. This is about YOU and YOU ALONE. Thank You for hearing me. Thank You for Your strength and for the clean heart You're creating in me. Thank You for affirming a love i've held on to, for affirming it's validity and for asking for me to lay it down once and for all. Thank YOU. I will strive to know Your joys in any and all.

My Everything

2010-04-05T14:47:00.000-07:00

God, my God, in an instant You dry the bitter tears that flow out of a broken heart.

And in the next moment, Your power, Your love moves me to tears and I weep at Your feet.

You save me and You rescue me from flames of affliction;

yet You refine me in the flame, my faith more precious than gold to You.

In You, I am an heiress, I am clean, I can not be conquered. I am all of this while still a worthless sinner.

What love is this? How great are You, Lord. In my struggles, over my sorrows, You reign. In my pain, there You are. In my triumph, in my joy, when i seek You, when I turn away from You, You are there.

The Orchestrator. Valiant Ruler. Lover. Comforter. Good Shepard. Breath of Life. My everything.

In everything good and true.

You can not be shaken, Lord. You are the firm foundation. The true source of hope. I put my hope in You. I look to You and You alone. I fix my eyes upon You, do not let me waiver. It is You. It is You. My everything. The ruler of my heart.

"Our trust in Jesus grows as we shift from making self-concious efforts to be good to allowing ourselves to be loved as we are (not as we should be). The Holy Spirit moves us from the head to the heart, from intellectual cognition to experiential awareness. An inward stillness pervades our being, and the time of prayer is characterized by less rational reflection and speaking and more contemplative quiet and listening. Self absorption fades into self-forgetfulness, as we fix our gaze on the brightness of the Lord. In the words of Paul, "We are transfigured much like the Messiah, our lives gradually becoming brighter and more beautiful as God enters our lives and we become like him" (2 Cor. 3:18 The Message). -Brennan Manning [Ruthless Trust, 92-93]