Dreams

My dreams are changing:
From neatly packaged visions, wrapped tightly in perfect bows
to boxes ripped open - wrapping paper torn to shreds and tissue paper scattered everywhere.

Had my dreams for my future been in charge,
Seminary sure wouldn't have been in the cards. Youth ministry/marriage and family therapy? Probably not. A photography business? DEFINITELY not.

Point being: My dreams have changed. And continue to do so. Up until recently, my dream for the future included getting married young, starting a family, being an elementary school teacher living in a comfortable home. Now? Apparently, marriage is further from my mind than i thought...or maybe it will take just the right guy to come along and awaken that dream again? Who knows. What i DO know is i've been given a wonderful opportunity for more education - one that encourages me in and grows me spiritually. This mixed with a wonderful church family and community, an amazing internship, a caring family and so much more - life is GOOD. God is good. And thank the Lord His plans are so much greater than i could ever fathom.

One Year Ago: Sweet Grace

While i should be working on the homework i've allowed to pile up, I can't help but be swept up in an unshakeable peace. A little over a year ago, I was at my lowest of lows. This one horridly painful night I will never forget - grief had overtaken me and i remember choosing to wallow in my anger and self-loathing over God. I literally turned away from Him, and went so far as to curse Him for allowing me to experience such heartbreak. How far He has taken me in this past year. How much He has redeemed me, poured out His love and blessings over me, looked at me with favor. Don't get me wrong - it sure wasn't smooth sailing immediately following this particular night. But the more room I gave God to move in my life, the more He awakened my desire for Him, the more He was able to restore. It was in this painful season I realized we were never meant to do life alone.

Now, here is where my mind is blown. On the one year anniversary of this painful night, guess where i was? I was with my middle school ladies at a church retreat for the weekend. And on this very night, I watched the Prayer Walk i had spent time planning and praying about in my internship come to life. As I helped lead a station centered around forgiveness and being washed clean, my heart was so uplifted as i watched hundreds of young woman spend time before the Lord. This image will forever give me goosebumps.

To see how far God has grown me and to watch Him become Lord in my life more and more each day even in this past YEAR alone is evidence of His beautiful restoration and plans for our lives. My God, it took walking through darkness and despair for me to truly rejoice over the vibrance and richness the next season held. I am so grateful for the opportunity to go to Seminary, to be a part of Substance church, to be able to watch God move in the middle and high school students at Hosanna!

The word to describe this season is grace. It is by grace we have been saved (Eph 2), His grace is freely given. His grace is what pulled me through, His grace is what redeems and saves me from a sinful nature each day. How evident His grace is.

Reflecting

Day 3 of fasting make-up and eating out. I'm having most trouble with the make up fast. Already, I have caught myself wrestling with feelings of inadequacy and not feeling "put-together". It's crazy how much more i feel exposed and transparent with a bare face. Even walking into my class Tuesday I felt self-concious as questions of my worth and vicious lies swirled around my brain. Praise Jesus that self consciousness isn't an area i typically struggle with. But this fast has already revealed how much I find confidence in feeling "put together" as far as looks are concerned.

As I sit here, day one of my internship with the amazing Middle School/Senior High Ministry team at Hosanna!, I'm brainstorming ideas for a prayer walk for the middle school girls retreat. One of the reasons I'm fasting make up for the next three weeks is on behalf of these students and their own faith journey, and in preparation for the retreat. While the prayer walk project involves creativity, planning and leading middle school girls to know and experience the love of Christ (all passions of mine! :P), I also want the prayer walk to glorify God first and foremost. I want it to be original and creative, to really make the girls think, meditate on and spend time with the Lord rather than cheesy and redundant. God, be the passion and fuel behind this planning.

As God is uncovering areas in my own life where I find confidence outside of Him, I have this amazing opportunity to use that in ministering to middle school girls. How SWEET is that?! God, be the source of our self-worth. As we experience more of Your love, may we allow it to transform our lives, from the inside out, so that we may be a testament to your grace, mercy and all things good.

Awakening Fast: 21 Days

Twenty one days of fasting starts today. Substance church is partaking in the Awakening fast (check it: http://www.awake21.org/) Sunday's sermon really put the idea of fasting into perspective. The idea of fasting can be written off as outdated and unimportant in today's day and age. The purpose of fasting can be misunderstood - as God's way of making us suffer or as a method of bartering with God (we give up this, if you give us this in exchange...) Pastor Nick Foulks really hit home with this main idea: "We don't fast to get something from God, we fast to ALIGN ourselves with God". When we are truly aligned with God, He is able to do a new work in us. So often does the clutter of this world and our focus on the tangible, immediate situation that surrounds us (rather than focus on the ever-present, unchanging LOVE and plans the Lord has) distract us and trap us in our bondages and footholds.

The idea of fasting is insanely relevant and extremely essential to our lives. If you feel called to give something up - whether it is a traditional food fast (giving up one meal a day, fasting for a 24 hour period one a week, refraining from fast food or dessert, etc.) or takes another form - join us for the Awakening fast. I guarantee God will move and work wonders in your lives and the lives around you. As Pastor Nick reminded us, fasting allows our sins to be broken off and for us to become aware of the needs and live s of people around us. Check it: 6Is not this the fast that i choose: to loose the bonds of wickedness, to undo the straps of the yoke, to let the oppressed go free, and to break every yoke? 7Is it not to share your bread with the hungry and bring the homeless poor into your house...8Then shall your light break forth like the dawn and your healing shall spring up speedily; your righteousness shall go before you; the glory of the Lord shall be your rear guard. -Isaiah 58:6-8

I feel the Lord calling me to fast a couple things:

1) Make up. It's so easy to go without make up on a mission trip in a foreign country. And i gave up make up for five days this summer (check out the blog post here). But in the ordinary ebb and flow of normal life, it is HARD. I love putting make up on - it's like an art (as cheesy as that sounds). It also covers up blemishes and enhances...well, your appearance. But how much time do i spend in front of a mirror each morning, getting ready for the day? This fast will not only give me more time to spend with the Lord each morning, but it will emphasize the importance of finding our self worth in Him. I also feel called to give up this area on behalf of the middle and senior high girls in my small groups! May their own faith walk be strengthened by knowledge of God's great love for them, may they find their self worth in the Lord, for their purity, for their hearts to find strength in God and not things of this world.

2) Eating out. See ya later, Panera, Caribou, Flame, etc.! I spend so much money eating out when a peanut butter and jelly sandwich from home would be cheaper and just as delicious. If i can put so much of my finances towards eating out, isn't there a better place for them? I'm hoping that this fast from eating out will lead to more clarity regarding finances, investing in my business, savings, and most importantly - giving more for Kingdom advances.

So, do you feel called to fast anything? If so, seek God first and foremost. What is it He's calling you to give up? What area of your lives have you not trusted Him to enter and are afraid to give to Him? Surround yourselves with people that will support you in this fast and set goals you can actually reach so you are not bogged down by failure but focused on the reason for fasting - alignment with God.

Musing on the New Year

New Years Resolutions are lousy. In attempts to better our lives, we firmly decide to do or not do something for the upcoming year. While the first of January marks a new year and new beginnings, why must we wait until the new year to strive for a better quality of life? It's also an ongoing joke that New Year's Resolutions are broken not long after they are put into place. That diet, that work out routine, that decision to go to church more or read our bibles more or whatever shape our resolutions take are kicked to the curb long before the beginning of the new year. So much for resolutions being "firm" decisions if we are able to dismiss them so quickly.

While i fail to see the point of New Year's Resolutions, i do think it is essential to strive for a better quality of life. But what if we took the time to evaluate our life - to notice areas of weakness or places that require upkeep, to locate areas of spiritual dryness or that need refinement - on a monthly or weekly basis? What if we took time to spend intimate time with the Lord on our own, while allowing fellow brothers and sisters in Christ to surround us, build us up and provide us with fellowship and community? Let's not stop there - what if we took the time to give back to strangers and reach beyond the walls of church in outreach and service? It is my prayer that you - no matter where you are in your faith walk, whether or not you have chosen to believe and follow God - and me enter into this new year open-hearted and anticipating a better quality of life.

I have been convicted time and time again, by my parents and other friends, that i am far too busy. I over-schedule myself, am always on the go and am hard to reach. Even in this Season of Rest (that is rapidly drawing to a close) I still found myself running around quite frequently. In Brennan Manning's The Wisdom of Tenderness, he asks readers to examine our lives and ask ourselves a series of questions. Here are just a few that convicted me:
-Have I kept others waiting?
-Have i carelessly forgotten (or simply not kept) an appointment or a date?
-Have I been difficult for others to reach, feeling too busy to put myself at their disposal?

Talk about a shot to the heart - these are areas of my life I so struggle in. So i pray, that into this new year, God refines me and teaches me the importance of keeping appointments and not allowing a busy lifestyle to interfere with reaching others and spending time with them in fellowship.

It's a new year. Instead of making a resolution that you fail to keep, i challenge you (and myself) to continuously take the time to examine our lives and strive to find a better quality of life. God, teach us to love more, to give more, to serve more, to reach out more and to seek you wholeheartedly. Open up our eyes to You and Your merciful ways.

Full Circle

God is the most magnificent Healer. In the moments that bring revelation - when loose ends are tied, or long-awaited closure finally arrives - we are greeted by this supernatural peace and overwhelming reassurance that God truly is in control of our circumstances.

When we are able to survey the wearisome and trying journey from the higher ground - look down on the path that had led us through darkness, through deserts and despair and see how far we've come (or rather, how far the Lord has led us) - it is a glorious moment. In that place, enraptured by the Lord's splendor, His strength and faithfulness, all you can do is stand in awesome wonder, taking in all He revealed & refined on the journey. While the journey may have been brimming with pain and the testing of your faith, you now can say for certain, "It is worth it - any journey that leads me closer in relationship to Jesus Christ, that makes me more like Him, is worth it." No matter the intensity of the heartbreak, the sickness, the loss, the pain, the effort - knowing Him more is worth it. Yes, this is easily said in the reflecting stage, as you bask in the sweet sunshine on higher ground. However, when our faith must be our eyes and we are in the thick of the journey, the proclamation that "it is worth it" may be either the furthest thing from our lips or said through our teeth, as our jaw is clenched together in pain.

Regardless of where we are on the journey, we must remember the beauty that is Romans 8:28 - God causes ALL things to work together for our GOOD. Even every bump on the road, every callous we obtain, every time stumble or fall flat on our faces. In the words of Brennan Manning, "The wisdom of tenderness allows us to love our whole life story and know that we've been graced and made beautiful by the providence of our past history. "Even from my sins," wrote Augustine of Hippo, "God has drawn good." All the wrong turns in the past, the detours, the mistakes, the moral lapses - everything that's irrevocably ugly or painful melts and dissolves in the light of accepted tenderness" [Manning, The Wisdom of Tenderness, 32]. Right now, here, today, I can thank God for the people He placed in my life for a brief moment, and no longer question why they may not remain. As i listened to my Ipod on shuffle yesterday during quiet time, two songs played in a row that had once sent twinges of pain through my heart, as they were linked to memories and old emotions. Yesterday was different - i was able to thank God for the sweet memories, but also thank Him for the new thing He is doing. SO SO SO SO GOOD!!!!!

God will bring healing. In His perfect timing, He always does. And when we are in the most brutal battle or deepest valley, we must hold on to this promise and keep our eyes fixed on Him. When we are reveling in wholeness and redemption, we must remember all the Lord has revealed and taught us through the journey.

"It is only a faithful person who truly believes that God sovereignly controls his circumstances" [Chambers, My Utmost For His Highest]. God, give us the faith to believe that you control our circumstances. As you remain sovereign and reign with goodness and compassion, may we trust you with our future, while relishing in the moment that is today - the here and now.

Road Tripping

As Hannah and I are enjoying this crazy, spontaneous adventure, I'm learning so much. Like for instance, though I am very much an extrovert, i NEED NEED alone time to regenerate at times. I can't wait to hit the beach today and just read listening to the sound of the ocean. I have also learned you really get to know someone on a road trip. Hannah and i joke - we've been on 3 official "dates" before we headed on this road trip. So, though we seem pretty friend and travel compatible, there is so much left to learn about each other. Kind of like any other relationship, huh? Takes time. A third thing i have learned - i love the open road. Yesterday i drove for 8 hours straight. Give me some great music and someone to talk to every once in awhile, and i'm good to go. There's something therapeutic about driving.

And the final thing i've learned: road trips are about the journey. I was blessed to grow up with a dad working for the airlines and being able to fly everywhere for free - Japan, London, Australia, New Zealand, Mexico, Poland, Spain, Amsterdam, Guatemala, El Salvador, all over the US, you name it. Flying is mostly about arriving at your destination, getting there as fast as possible. And while i greatly appreciate the speed and the service of flying, road trips are necessary at times. Though we had an ETA for reaching Florida, we drove until we were tired, we stopped at random attractions - some, big landmarks i've only seen in pictures, others less known but just as amazing (like the giant sized Superman :D). When you enjoy the journey, the destination is just another phase. And while Florida and the condo we're privileged to stay in are awesome, the open road and random stops were sweet, as well.

Hmm...just a little of the more in depth thoughts I'm processing as we tackle some pretty silly bucket list items and dares. :) See you all in a week or so!