Sunday, August 7, 2011

I Am {Purposefully} Single

Recently, someone laid out priorities in this order: 1) God 2) family (spouse first, then kids) 3) your ministry. Someone else shared a shift in her life from a thirst for adventure to wanting to be known as a Godly woman, good mother/wife and someone who always has freshly baked cookies in her kitchen. Still another person that knows me fairly well was shocked as we caught up and exchanged news of friends and family members' progressing romantic relationships, and i did so in a seemingly cynical manner. As I've sought council on my current predicament, I've come to realize it's not cynicism at all. I am completely overjoyed for my dear friends and their sweet relational seasons and marriages. I cannot wait for the day marriage is (perhaps) in my own horizon.

About a month ago, God gave me this vision of myself sitting in a room surrounded by doors - some are wide open, some are locked, still others are open just a crack. As I sit there, God is instructing me to wait. Instead of waiting, I've made attempts in moving forward anyways. A friend recently pointed out to me that "drama swirls around you like a tornado". While part of me gets offended (I blame the thinker in him and the feeler in me butting heads ;P) I do know this "dramatic" season has been in large part due to the fact that I have attempted to act out of confusion and take steps forward solely based on my "in-the-moment" emotions. I've self-prescribed my singleness as "unhealthy". I've blamed past relational baggage. I've wondered what is wrong with me in not being able to move forward with one of the most amazing men I've met. I've looked at all these doors and wondered if I'm having commitment issues, in fear that walking through one door will require me to shut all the other ones. While some of these fears and possibilities could perhaps be playing an underlying role, I'm beginning to believe this season of singleness is a God-ordained season full of purpose.

I've placed myself on a track that much resembles the "Christian American Dream", as I refer to it: that drive to find a partner in ministry/spouse at a young age, settle down, etc. etc. which has led to disappointment and failure due largely in part to the fact that God's journey and plans for my life are entirely different.

In talking with my mentor, I realized this is yet another time in my life where God is calling me to yield and surrender EVERYTHING to Him - my relationships, my singleness, my career, my school, my passions, my dreams, literally my all. This thought and act of surrender doesn't seem too difficult at the moment, seeing as I'm in a place where I'm not clinging to anything or refuse to give anything up. Seeking the Lord and waiting for His instruction are the only things I can really do, sitting in this room surrounded by doors. Not to mention, I've seen the Lord's faithfulness in past moments of surrender - where He has taken my petty, humanly-constructed plans and replaced them with a bigger calling and better-fitting journey in Him.

There are seasons of singleness that are unbearably painful - perhaps after a divorce, a death, a brutal break up, separation etc. Sometimes, singleness is cast upon us and we have no choice but to grin and bear it. This particular season, however, is purposeful, sweet and indefinite. I am not putting a time frame or restrictions on it, but trusting God will allow it to continue until He sees fit, as I continuously yield to and lean on Him. I TRUST that He will make it clear in moving forward and that He is continuing to heal and prepare me for the next season.

For now, my priorities are my Lord and my ministry and that EXCITES me. I do not have to attempt to fit into a relationship or move forward when I am clearly not ready. I firmly believe love will be awakened when the timing is right. And one day, while I'd love to be a Godly woman, good mother and wife, with cookies readily available (probably store bought cookies, in my case ;P), I will enjoy this wild adventure and sweet season as a single woman seeking to know and draw closer to the Lord. :)