Here's a quick summary/beginning of the email i sent to my parents this morning:
I'm sorry to spring such a huge life decision on you last minute...and now my advisors would like to know in a matter of hours. The thought of taking a semester off just hit me last night. I've been praying about really honoring the idea of a Sabbath day and setting aside Sunday as a day of rest - yesterday was my first one. So, after going to church and resting while seeing friends, it's sort of a God thing that this thought were to hit me while i gave more time to God.
My life has always been go, go go. You have known and seen that. And school sort of fell into "the plan" - aka, my plan: Go to college, graduate as early as possible and, since i was in this really great relationship with this really great guy, we'd get married fresh out of college. And when God asked me to surrender the really great relationship, i was still left with this really great career i had been passionate about since...forever: teaching. So i sucked it up, and kept on going, full speed ahead (if not faster).
And here i am, a college graduate (well one lousy paper away from graduating). About to start student teaching and embark on the part of the journey i've been anticipating all this time. And the night before, THE NIGHT BEFORE, i feel a thought enter my mind: Take a semester off. Uhh...what? WHAT?! This is not like me. I have planned since day one, and though i'm "go with the flow" at times, my plan is where it's at mostly. But when the thought came in, i just felt a lot of peace. It was like this heavy and huge thought crushed a lot of the walls i had built and wiped out a lot of fear and need to control. The reason i'm so at peace with this thought is because it's really not anything i'd construct or think of. It's quite the opposite. I know God has been calling me to rest and slow down, lately. And though you may not have seen many results of that, it's been happening slowly but surely. I never would've thought in a million years it would mean slowing down this much.
...
So, this is a season of rest. I am still praying about taking the middle school class in mid-November so i could still be on track with the Licensure Program if i do so choose to go back in the Spring. At this point, i don't know what's next. There's been things that pop into my head - long term missions, ministry, going to school for family counseling? All of those things are good, but they are also a safety net of plans keeping me from facing, truly, the UNKNOWN. I need to let God...be God. Things WILL fall into place. Whether i go back to school or not, next semester or in five years, this is where i need to be.
I feel really passionate about devoting more time to the girls i mentor - investing more into their lives, being able to start a bible study, etc. I also feel really passionate about being involved with middle school/senior high ministries at church. So that's a start. And while i already feel a need to fill my now EMPTY schedule up with...more plans...i must refrain and face the unknown. I have a passion for teaching. I do. But i am now aware teaching may look different than in an elementary school. I don't know where God's leading. That used to freak me out, and though i'm a little apprehensive still, i'm so very at peace.
Today's (August 29) My Utmost For His Highest had a perfect, fitting verse: And this same God who takes care of me will supply ALL your needs from His glorious riches... -Philippians 4:19.
So, this is where i'm at. I'm FINALLY seeking refuge in the watchtower. I HATE waiting...but God's calling me to rest, so i may earnestly wait.
I will climb up to my watchtower
and stand at my guardpost.
There, i will WAIT to see what the Lord says
and how he will answer my complain.
-Habakkuk 2:1
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