Convicted

I curse the season I'm in and absolutely can not wait for true joy to be restored. And yet, there is something...comforting about this season. The vital reliance the Lord has revealed as necessary to me and my desire to know Him more has been awakened. He has been teaching me to reach out to Him first and before anyone or anything else - to cry out to Him, hold my thoughts captive, lay my desires, my emotions, my here and now, my future at His feet. Thank you, Lord, for all You are and all You are teaching me. I pray that this reliance and wholly seeking after You remains, long after this season. In every season, Lord, You are still God. I still need You, my every breath depends on You no matter where You lead. Let any fear of losing this intimacy with You be vanquished. You are King and You hold my heart.

Thank You, Lord for breaking hidden bondages that have kept me from knowing Your truths. As I draw close to You, as I seek You, You have revealed some of the lies I've come to accept as truths: that I do not have a role in ministry, that I'm manipulative and nothing without control. I ask, Lord I plead that You continue to break them down. Bring to the surface any other lies i have come to know, and break their bondages. Replace them with Your truth.

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This past week, I've been convicted of a couple things that I feel called to share. When we confess our struggles, our sins, our fears and any transgressions we've clung to, we allow the Lord to come to our rescue. When we cry out to Him, and even share our struggles with a friend or brother/sister in Christ, the Lord's light shines through the darkness of our struggles. Truly, freedom is the fruit of our confessions - that we no longer have to hide something eating away at us. "Blessed is the man against whom the Lord counts no iniquity, and in whose spirit there is no deceit. For when i keep silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long." -Psalm 32:3 Keeping silent is one of Satan's biggest footholds in our lives, resulting in shame, remorse, and guilt.

I have been convicted of passing judgement. Yes, we all judge. Of course - that is the human in us. But when we claim to be free from judgement, as "good Christians are", I think we tend to ignore the times we actually do judge. Recently, i found myself judging others of a 'weaker' faith. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Oh my gosh, how the Lord has been chipping away this LIE. I am an unworthy, disgusting sinner. I sin in my judgement, i sin in my own struggles, i sin in my thoughts. I am NOTHING without the Lord's grace. Without His tender mercies, His forgiveness and His life, I am damned. Whoa, talk about perspective, huh? As disciples seeking Christ and living for His glory, convictions such as this are necessary. We must be aware of our own sins and shortcomings and see all sin as equal in the eyes of the Lord. We must realize our insignificance and our NOTHINGNESS without the Lord. At the same time, to balance this humbling thought, we must allow the joy of the Lord and His choosing to love us all the same, to save us and use us in ways so much bigger than our own to be our eternal mindset. Friends, may we realize our judgement. May our judgements not lead to guilt but to us asking the Lord to break our hearts and humble us. May He point out our own sins and failures, and follow with the life we have in HIM.

I have also been convicted of having too much STUFF. Clothes, more specifically. I am a bargain hunter, a smart shopper. But, when I forget what clothes i have, that is a problem. That is DISGUSTING. Seriously, stuff and clutter so gets in the way of the simple life the Lord calls us to leave. What happened to storing my treasures in heaven?! I'm definitely in need of a good Spring cleaning/purging and to reexamine my finances and where my money is going. May my life's goal be the furthering of Your kingdom alone, God.

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This is sort of a heavy post. Coming back from spring break, I felt rejuvinated and my creative juices flowing - there were a number of things "i" wanted to talk about. But, they will have to wait. For these are the cries of my heart. I hope to post some pictures from my family's trip to Hawaii, some ENGAGEMENT pictures I had the honor of taking of a beautiful couple (Luke Olsen and Macai, his fiance), and reflecting on the Lord's blessings...soon. For now, may i leave you with some quotes from John Piper's When the Darkness Will Not Lift, a book that has given me new perspective on the Lord's hand and purpose in this season. May the Lord speak to You through it :)

"Confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed (James 5:16). There is a release and healing that flows from confessing not only to God in the secret place of your heart, but also to a trusted friend, or the person you have offended. The tender words, "I'm sorry, will you forgive me?" are one of the surest paths to joy [Piper, 56]".

"The almost incredible hope of confessing and renouncing sin is that the Lord does not then rub it in our face but cancels it...Therefore, we should not fear to confess and let go of any cherished sin. The shame will not haunt us. Christ clothes us with his own righteousness (2 Cor. 5:21) [Piper, 55]".

"...Satan cannot do anything apart from God's sovereign permission (Job 1:12, 2:6), which is governed by God's infinite wisdom and covenant love...so even if Satan has a hand in your darkness, he is not free to do more than your loving Father permits, and God will turn it for your good (Luke 22:31-32) [Piper 57]".