Search Me, O God...

Search me, O God, and know my heart!
Try me and know my thoughts!
And see if there be any grievous way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting!
-Psalm 139:23-24

At my church's worship service tonight (Deeper at Substance - check it out!), this Psalm became my prayer. The Lord has led me to the verge of something NEW, something HUGE. What's ironic about this psalm is that God already knows us, inside and out - our thoughts, our hearts, etc. But when we invite Him in, in fact when we command that He enters, as in this Psalm, He is able to move and bring things that are not pleasing to Him to our attention. Sometimes He uproots things, sifts through our hearts and makes us aware of footholds or areas in our life we were not even aware of before!

Minutes after praying this, i felt a need to reach out to someone - someone who i felt i deserved justice from, and have a strong desire to be reconciled with. However, after reaching out countless times in the past, i know this desire for reconciliation is out of my control. I have put myself out there, but now is my time to give this person space and allow them all the time he needs. SO, point is, this very thought and need to contact that person was a FOOTHOLD, a grievous way the Lord brought to my attention! At first, i did not connect my praying of Psalm 139 to this thought. This thought caused me to hit a wall, as i became frustrated and stopped worshipping. After finally forcing myself to seek council in the prayer chapel, the walls of confusion came down.

It's crazy how that works, huh? When we reach out, when we allow others to pray over a burden or foothold, when we let people in to the things we've kept in the dark....there is true freedom. As it says in the Psalms, for when i kept silent my bones wasted away... (Psalm 32:3) The Lord has created community and given us brothers and sisters in Christ so that we may be uplifted in prayer and encouragement. After seeking refuge in the prayer chapel, both for affirmation in the calling i feel the Lord has placed on my life and in further releasing this foothold, i broke down. Gosh, there is so much freedom in breakdowns sometime. I love it. The Lord affirmed a couple things that i would so love to share with you all:

1) Sometimes, there are deep-rooted lies we've come to believe as truths. When we ask the Lord to test our hearts and examine our thoughts, He may bring these lies to the surface. I had come to believe a lie a few years ago - i was not cut out for ministry or potentially being a pastor's wife. Though the Lord has absolutely crushed this lie and replaced it with His calling, there seems to be remnants that have remained hidden beneath the surface. I can say now, with full assurance, the Lord is calling me into ministry. For now, I am hesitant to share what exactly that entails, regarding my future career and mission field, for the Lord's call and direction could change once again!

2) I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me - even conquering footholds, though i am impatient and still a little frustrated. As i turn to Him and admit my weakness, man oh man does He MOVE!!

3) I suck at being pursued. I am such an excitable, outgoing, go-getter. While i can attribute this to my personality, i will also willingly admit it's a fault and shows a lack of trust in the Lord. Praise Jesus, He's working in me. And gosh darn, i don't have time to pursue a relationship right now! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Haha...i guess that could be my excuse in any season, but i'm so turned off to pursuing and slightly open to being pursued, given the right man.

4) In praying for my future hubby/ministry partner tonight with two amazing women (that's weird to type...and think about haha), besides it being completely necessary that he is a man after the Lord's own heart, i also realized there is a need for him to be ready and willing for our mission field to change. While my mission field is currently in Lakeville and the Twin Cities, who knows where the Lord will lead (and to what different state? country? CONTINENT?!?!?) So exciting, right?!

:) God is good. Allow Him to search you. If you invite Him in with an open heart, He has room to move - even if that means correcting, sifting, disciplining (for surely a loving Father disciplines those He loves). I also strongly strongly encourage people in all sorts of faith walks to not hesitate in seeking council and being prayed over. It is freeing to allow others in, to gain prayer warriors who will uphold you in prayer!

I am blessed beyond BELIEF to have such an amazing community of brothers and sisters!! THANK YOU LORD!