Apathy, Fears and the Daniel Fast

This weekend was rough. The image of Jacob wrestling with God (Gen 32) is an image full of hope, in my eyes. God seeks out Jacob and wrestles Him. God is so pleased when we take our struggles, our fears, our confusions and our limited human perspectives and wrestle him with it. To me, this is not an act of challenging His sovereignty, but allowing Him to bring understanding or acceptance. Wrestling with God allows us to succumb to His will and to bring all that we are struggling with before Him. We acknowledge His greatness and affirm that He and He alone is all powerful. In wrestling with God, we get tired out, so His strength and His will can reign.

But this weekend, I felt all of my strength and trust in Him waver. The sinful human nature and thinking i knew what was best for me, literally choosing to be disobedient, weakened me. I challenged God. I decided i was done with this glorious wrestling match - sick of being weak and laying things down at His feet.

I just started running almost a month ago. It has become such a source of rejuvenation and triumph! It was...an escape. And now, the top of my right foot sends shooting pains up my foot, making it impossible to run. Even for someone as stubborn as me, who thinks i can suck it up and keep running on it until it stops hurting. So, i caught myself blaming Him, asking, "God, you're taking this away from me too?!" and wondering why I have to take days off from running. I have no motivation to do the piles of homework surrounding me. And they keep piling up. I've let some of my dearest friends down. I'm tired of dealing with this broken heart. So, i snapped. Literally, haha. I am not myself. I've chosen numbness, anger and standing on my own. Not only did i cross a boundary God specifically set up to protect my heart, but I blamed Him when i crossed it. Boy, did i reap what i sowed. Literally, haha. :/

So now, i'm here. Looking up from this dark hole I've dug myself, staring at the blinding light of truth and hope and Him. All around me, in this darkness, are my fears, my stubbornness, my escapes. My apathy. All i have to get done. Any distorted thoughts that i can stand without Him. That i can function without Him. Love lost. My past mistakes. Saturday.

But that light still shines, even when we choose to close our eyes or dig a deeper hole. The light and hope the Lord offers is a constant, unwavering radiance that shatters the darkness. "The light shines through the darkness, and the darkness can never extinguish it" -John 1:5

It's up to me to open my eyes. To stop digging this hole. It's up to me to fight against my own filth and human nature and reach for the light reaching down to me. Oh, Lord. May Psalm 51 be my prayer and penetrate my heart. Break this heart of stone. May i lean on You and You alone:

Oh, give me back my joy again;

you have broken me -

now let me rejoice.

Don't keep looking at my sins.

Remove the stain of my guilt.

Create in me a clean heart, O God,

and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

Do not cast me away from thy presence,

and do not take thy Holy Spirit from me.

Restore to me the joy of thy salvation,

and sustain me with a wiling spirit.

-Psalm 51:8-12

It's funny how a time of... rebelling/challenging, just happens to be the week my roomies and I planned on doing a Daniel fast - fruits, vegetables, and water ONLY for seven days (See Daniel 1). And no Facebook (another of my addictions...it's stinkin crack for social people). Not only is this fast a way to cleanse and detoxify the body, it's a fast that acknowledges the connection between mind, body, and spirit and giving the Lord it all. We started today. During this Daniel fast, i hope to glorify God and be reminded that He is all i need. Truly, this fast couldn't have come at a better time. Though i am reluctant, i will praise Him and give up the comfort of food. When my stomach growls (as it is right now), I will say a prayer and acknowledge His glorious blessings and love. May this week truly be a time of restoration - a purging of the old and an embracing in of His will. During this week, I've asked Rachel and Jodi to write a little about where they're at and the struggles/revelations/joys/awkward bodily functions they experience as they fast, too. Stay tuned for fast updates :)

Rach and Jod - my lovely roomies and fellow fasters.

One of my all-time favorite songs: She Cries by East West. Gets me everytime. Just let the lyrics sink in. Picture the Lord whispering these words to you, allow your heart to soak it up.

"It doesn't matter where you've been before, on a night like this.

It doesn't matter where you've been before, i'll love you like this.

And she cries.

Can't you see? I won't leave.

But you have to open your eyes.

Here i stand, take my hand.

Let go of the fear that you hold"