1) "You Can Never Really Have Something Until You Give It Away." Once upon a time my fortune cookie said that. And yes, fortunes are silly and random, but i do keep them from time to time. I think this fortune cookie had it right on, even from a Christian perspective - as followers of Christ, we are taught that "...whoever loses his life for my sake will find it" - Matt 10:39. In giving our life away, we find life in Christ and through Christ and for Christ. Not just life, but an abundance of life, full of the reassurance of God's promises. We can't really have life until we give it away and lose it. Recently, I've been learning this about love. Several months ago, i had to do one of the hardest things i've ever done in my short, teeny weeny lifespan: I had to give up someone i love. The love i had was true and it was good, but it was also stunted and tarnished. When I finally relented and gave in to the Lord's leading, He affirmed the truth within that love. He also convicted me of the futile areas within my heart and my life: I looked to other relationships to fill a void (in which God could and can fill alone, on purpose). I let anger control me, selfishness have dominion over me. I did not truly trust the Lord - following Him in this decision and letting go was one of the first steps in learning to trust in His faithfulness. Eleven months ago, I was a disgusting, sinful wreck. God called me into the wilderness, He begged me to leave that life behind and seek Him.
My beloved speaks and says to me:
"Arise, my love, my beautiful one,
and come away,
for behold, the winter is past;
the rain is over and gone..."
-Song of Solomon 2:12-11
Boy oh boy, did God and does God have a plan for my life. In these past months, He's matured me, refined me, grown me more into the woman He created me to be. It has been a painful, exhausting and weary journey. To be honest, I've loathed parts of it. I've questioned Him and whined and groaned for much of the way. But God's work is perfect and spans further than the human eye or mind can comprehend. I realized, eleven months ago, that i wasn't able to love the man i loved wholly and selflessly and as he deserved; as God intended love to look like. And God used this desire for that man and that "true" love to be restored as a catalyst to this journey on which He's led me. It was an indicator that things needed to change, a reminder that we cannot fully love another creature until we love God. He taught me that we must be complete as individuals, know who we are in Him, and have a firm foundation, rooted in Him before we can fully love another.
You cannot love a fellow-creature fully till you love God - C.S. Lewis
And so, now, eleven months later, I am still on a journey. Only this time, it's into the unknown future, with a hope in the Lord's glory and power and wisdom. I am still a disgusting, sinful wreck, as i was when i first embarked on this journey. Only now, i hold more steadfastly to the promise of God's salvation and a hope in the Lord. I am learning to trust Him whole-heartedly and long for the day He heals my heart completely. I want to seek Him and pursue life for His glory alone. I had to give a mini, stunted version of love away to find LOVE. LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE. The true, divine, perfect, unending, unconditional source of Love; the kind that comes from God alone.
2) You make all things work together for our good (Romans 8:28). We face temptation, struggles and hardships so we can encourage and share in the struggles and painful journeys of others. Though every situation is different, our struggles provide doors to sharing God's grace and mercy. Our hardships, temptations, sins, and conquered sins are areas that allow us to boast about the Lord as the Redeemer, a source of Strength in our weakness, and a God that makes all things new. He conquered the grave, He conquered our sins, we just have to surrender to Him and feel His overwhelming power. In that previous relationship, I understand that temptations presented themselves and i reacted out of weakness. Even at the cost of that relationship, i wouldn't have it any other way. The Lord has provided an area to relate to students in junior/senior high, even to adults that have given in to temptation, struggles, lust. And in the journey that has followed, He has led me through times of sorrow, of broken heartstrings, and other temptations. But, oh my goodness, I find joy and peace that i may share in the deepest hurts of others and point to God's unending, unfailing love, forgiveness and faithfulness. Thank You, God.
"As Henri Nouwen once remarked, "One of the most arduous spiritual tasks is that of giving up control and allowing the Spirit of God to lead our lives." On the other hand, presumption is such an insidious perversion that trust is not merely tainted but corrupted by it. In presumption, we assign to God the task of doign for us what we should be doing for ourselves." -Ruthless Trust, Brennan Manning [115].
3) I know jack squat. Nothing. NOTHING. I don't "feel" like i trust God more or that He's really been working in me. But i can sense it. As i draw close to Him, He draws close to me. When i am willing to surrender, to allow the Lord to do a work in me, He does and He will. WOW. I don't get to know the big picture, the whole reason why. And i finally accept that. In some twisted way, i've found peace in that. I must keep my gaze so steadfast on the Lord and Him alone. He reveals things to us when our hearts our ready. And that, my friends, is beautiful.
Truly, you are a God who hides himself... -Isaiah 45:15 (ESV)
Truly, O God of Israel, our Savior, you work in mysterious ways -Isaiah 45:15 (NLT)
Keep me trusting, Lord. Keep me focused on You. Your will, God, not mine. Your way, Your heart, Your love.
For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
-Isaiah 55:8-9
"Often trust begins on the far side of despair. When all human resources are exhausted, when the craving for reassurances is stifled, when we forgo control, when we cease trying to manipulate God and demystify Mysery, then - at our wits' end - trust happens within us, and the untainted cry, "Abba, into your hands i commend my spirit" surges from the heart." - Brennan Manning, Ruthless Trust [117].
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