God, my confidence is wavering and i am so so confused. I've done what You've instructed, I've cut him out of my life completely, i've abandoned any form of friendship, i've stepped out. I've severed all ties and all contacts. Because that is what You've asked. And though it was and continues to be a painful process, i understand You're trying to protect my heart. Trying to heal it, mend it, render it closer to You. Though his absence is still unbearable at times, it's slowly been getting easier each day as You draw me near. And though I still do not completely understand why it has to be, I accept it and know it is Your will.
So why why why why did i even have to see him last night??? I was growing accustom to the idea of 'out of site, out of mind'. I was accepting it. So why did i refuse to talk to him or look at him if you're healing me? Aren't i supposed to be free from this? Is this always going to haunt me? Always? Is this another layer? Cause i am so weary. I am so tired of this pain. I trust You. Can i say that amongst all this CRAP?! I TRUST YOU. But, oh my goodness, is it HARD. Your will, God. The trust i have in You is the only thing keeping me going. You are worth it. Your plans are infinitely better and whole and more true than mine. I've sensed that this next month is going to be trying.
God, keep me trusting. My broken heart begs for this. I need You. I need You MORE everyday. You won't relent until You have it all. TAKE IT. I caught myself thinking i could try and prove myself to him. Look at how God has grown me, matured me, refined me. But GOD, help me abandon this lie. I do not need to prove anything. I do not need to gain or earn anything. I can not help anymore. I can not aid, i can not love. I CAN'T. I need to be challenged, pursued, loved where i am at, no question. I do not need to try to fix, help and mend. That is of You.
Please, take this away. Reveal Yourself. Come to my rescue.
Come, let us return to the Lord. He has torn us to pieces; now he will heal us. He has injured us; now he will bandage our wounds. In just a short time he will restore us, so that we may live in his presence. Oh that we might know the Lord! Let us press on to know him. He will respond to us as surely as the arrival of dawn or the coming rains of early spring. -Hosea 6:1-3
I'm praying for you Katy!!! I praise God that you are relying on Him to get you through this tough situation instead of trying to do it alone!! Hugs to you my friend <3
ReplyDeleteMmm thanks so so much, Em. Couldn't do it without relying on Him. :) you're such an encourager-er :)
ReplyDeleteOh. I feel so special with the extra -er added onto encourager....like I really laughed outloud :) Have a super awesome week Katy! :)
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